INFJ Part 1

Growing up, I've always had a sense of conflict within me, personality-wise. I grew up deathly afraid and shy of people. I'm not sure why or how that sense of fear was instilled into me, but I remember being terrified as a toddler, and refusing to greet even my grandparents. As I grew older, I came slowly out of my shell. Soon I found it easy to talk to people, to start up a conversation, to enjoy the connection the socializing. 

The fear was gone. However, there were days when I found myself just completely opposed to interacting with people. The idea of just stopping in Dunkin Donuts to order a coffee from someone made me feel particularly crabby. I know many people assumed it was because I was shy and didn't want to make the face-to-face connection with a stranger.  But it wasn't. I just didn't *feel* like doing it. There's no other way to describe it. I went days feeling like I loved the world, only to switch to feeling completely withdrawn the next day.  Even within one day, I could go a whole morning chipper and exuberant and talkative...then suddenly in the afternoon, I hated people and just wanted to be alone. 

Slowly, as the years have gone by, I've discovered more and more about myself, learning exactly who I am and how my mind and personality actually work. I know I've changed somewhat as time has passed. When one of my best friends died two years ago, I withdrew into myself, a drastic shift that drew out more of my introverted side. Of course I denied being a full-on introvert. I couldn't possibly be an introvert. Not the way I was so people-friendly at times! Besides, being an introvert wasn't a positive thing. It meant you were scared and shy...and I wasn't scared or shy. I just liked to be alone a lot. 

I now know today that being an introvert is not a bad thing at all. And it doesn't mean you are either scared or shy at all! In fact, there are many different varieties of introverts. Just exactly who am I? 

I am an INFJ. What is an INFJ? Well, to begin with we INFJ's apparently make up only 1% of the population (I have no idea how true this is), which makes us a rare type of personality. 

I stands for Introvert. 

N stands for iNtuitive. 

F stands for Feeling. 

J stands for Judging. 

This personality is also known as The Protector. I am writing this to share with you what it is like inside my head. To help people understand why it is that I am so withdrawn sometimes, why I may appear to be snubbing someone when I'm really not...why I can become so distant, why I have odd quirks, and what it is that makes me tick. 

Let me begin with: 

Why I am an Introvert:

• I have limited energy. Every day I wake up with an amount of energy. Imagine a battery. Some mornings I wake up with my battery very full. And as my day goes by, I am using some of that energy for everything I do. Talking to strangers, interacting in class, helping patrons at my job, concentrating on homework, struggling to get an assignment done...everything uses a bit of this energy. Some days, the battery isn't as full when I wake up. This occurs when I haven't had sufficient rest for my physical body AND my mind. Both need to be fully charged and rested in order for my energy battery to be full. 
• I am a great listener.  I know there are many who look at me with disbelief when they hear me say this, because I am known to be quite a talker at times. But the way I work is, I go through spells of talking and spells of listening. Sometimes when people assume I'm being quiet because of shyness or fear, I'm really just taking a step back to listen and observe, taking in my surroundings. You'd be amazed just how much I listen. 
• I think quietly inside my head. You wouldn't believe what it's like inside my head. It is like a movie, with a narrator (me) talking to myself and viewing things. Perhaps this is enhanced by my photography training to see and note all that is around me. Either way, I think quietly and quite a lot inside my head. 
• I think then act.  I am a planner. I am so very uncomfortable when people make spontaneous plans with me or expect me to change at the last second or to make a decision contrary to original plans. Yesterday, I went for a drive with my best friend. Not knowing where we were going to end up had me flustered and starting to stress. I had to stop and say, "We are going here." just to settle my mind. I think, I plan before I act. 
• I feel comfortable being alone.  I know people think I am shutting myself off from the world, and I am. I know people think it is unhealthy for me to be alone so much. And I know some people don't understand why it is that I *enjoy* being alone. But if you only knew! The comfort of just having stillness. Of blocking out all the voices of other people, and just letting listening to *myself* for a change. Or just sitting quietly. It is my recharge time. It is when my energy battery is filling up. And as an introvert, who is in constant contact with other people, my battery runs out fast. I need as much time as I can possibly get to recharge. Otherwise it's like my system fails. I wish I could let you inside my mind to see how it can get with no energy. The chaos. The complete exhaustion and mixed up feelings. It is overwhelming. 
• I have good powers of concentration. So long as I can be left alone, I can work myself into a good concentration. It always helps when I have my earbuds in with music playing. I am not actually listening to the music the majority of the time, it is merely a way of blocking out distractions until my mind can get set into concentration mode. And then I become oblivious to those around me. It is key, however, for me to be able to work into that mode of concentration. I simply cannot just switch it on. I have to work up toward it. 
• I prefer to focus on one thing at a time. This is so true. I become easily flustered and mixed up when people try to make me consider various things at the same time. I work through one thing at a time. It is why I don't do so very well at debates in person. Because I don't have time to work things through in my mind and take each point one at a time. It stresses me out when I have to consider several things. This is why it is so easy for me to feel overwhelmed with my homework projects. I feel the pressure of all the work and have to remind myself to take one thing at a time. It's how my mind works. 
• I am self-contained and reserved. I do not like to show my emotions. If I'm sad or upset I don't like to talk about it. I tend to bottle things inside. It is only when I have been driven to a breaking point...when I'm over-the-top excited or mad or sad that things seem to bubble over. 

Next time...iNtuitive.