Photography Journey: Part 4

Photography Journey: 2008-2014

2008:

2008: one of the first photos I ever took with my new camera. 

2008: Portraits were fun!

2008: Juji as a baby was a popular subject.


2009

2009: blurry is artsy!

2009: New Hampshire is just naturally beautiful!

2010:

2010: One of my first gigs: shooting my cousin's Senior Portraits!

2010: Another Senior Portrait session!

2011:

2011: Engagements were awesome fun to shoot!

2011: A lil bokeh, a heart...how cliche can I get? 

2012:

2012: Balloons! This was the year all about COLOR!

2012: Have I mentioned how much I *love* engagements?

2012: Piano & color, two of my fallbacks for school assignments!

2012: The portrait that won me Best of Category in the Spring Exhibit!

2013:

2013: Engagement Ring

2013: Freedom From Fear - a school project.

2013: Freedom of Worship - a school project.

2013: Books are magical

2014:

2014: Self-portrait

2014: Tea cups are my thing.

I kinda chuckle as I look back over the years and see how my photography was so horrible when I first started out. But then I also smile and feel a sense of accomplishment as I see how far I've come as well.
It's been one hell of a journey and I've grown! I love that. I love the looking back and seeing how
I've changed and how my photography has changed. I love seeing my techniques expand and

change as the years go by. It's only been 6 years (only??) but I'm excited to see where my 

photography takes me in the next 6 years. 

Photography Journey: Part 3.

My second semester was an improvement over the first, mostly because I was more in-depth in my photography classes, surrounded by other photographer-wanna-bes, and finally feeling like I was being initiated into that club I so wanted to be a part of. That second semester, I made friends, slowly and quietly found myself entering a small group within the photography classes where inside jokes were born and where we all worked hard alongside each other, the competition absent and instead a sense of encouragement for one another and acceptance. We didn't see each other as "the competition"...we were in it together, we were friends. It made school so much more bearable.

The classes weren't easier or the work load smaller, but working with others made it easier in a way.
And I threw myself into my photography classes. They only reassured me that I was where I was supposed to be. I loved every part of it (except perhaps those damn tool caddy assignments!).
The more I learned, the more I became part of that club. My first class in-studio was
extremely intimidating. The more advanced students knew wherever went, and how to set everything up, while I stood to the side, helpless and feeling very much the part of a newbie. But I also remember the semester where I, too, walked into that studio, the pro. As my friend Kate stated, "For once we're the pros and not the newbies..." Such a good feeling, let me tell you!

2012: we weren't competitors. We were friends.

School still wasn't without its share of tears. The studying was a killer. Late nights...the night I sat up until 3am, bawling over math because I had a test the next day...the headaches, migraines over studying....the notes galore, the photos I snapped...it all went into the days of school.

Along came my required Business class. I went into it still determined to have my own photography business one day. Then the class came and smacked me across the face. Who knew that to run one's own business, one has to devote 99% of her time to business and only 1% to photography in order to be successful? While some can be passionate about both photography and business and easily combine them, I just cannot. Business is NOT a passion and I decided there was no way I could start my own business. Perfect. I knew I loved photography but now I had no idea what I wanted to do, outside of perhaps work in a studio. The class made me question my priorities...did I love photography enough? I did, it turned out.

I entered 2 photographs into the Spring Exhibit at my school and one of my photos was chosen to hang in the exhibit. I was *thrilled*. Imagine my nervousness as I sat in the school cafeteria for the honor's night. One photo from the exhibit would be chosen as Best of Category. Would mine make 2nd place? I sat, surrounded by my family, barely noticing all the other awards being handed out for all the graphic design categories. Finally it was time. I heard my name. I heard the applause. I saw the blur of people and the floor and the walls as I got up and walked to the front. My photography teacher stood there, his hand outstretched and a grin on his face as he shook my hand and handed me the certificate.

For the first time in my life, I was proud of me. 

For my last semester, instead of taking just my last, four, required classes I decided to add a fifth class: photojournalism. Just as my first semester was hell, so was my last one in a way. Between the mixture of tough classes, confusing teachers, and mix-ups involving my classes and graduation, I found myself feeling very discouraged. On top of that, all the friends I'd made had graduated with their certificates in Photography the prior semester. I told a friend, "School can't let me leave without a fight." This past fall was difficult. I studied my butt off, feeling like it was never enough. Still feeling like a failure even though I hadn't acquired a grade lower than an A- in the past. My GPA was high, and yet I still felt like I had to fight to accomplish anything. The last 6 weeks of classes felt like they dragged on forever. And then finals came. And then. They were over. Time has sped by since then. And then, the other day the mailman dropped a white, thick envelope in the mail. I ripped it open and pulled out that little black book with the tiny piece of paper inside.

I did it. Two and half years of tears, fears, heartaches, headaches, constant tiredness, struggling, fighting, killing myself, feeling like a failure...and a tiny piece of paper saying it was all worth it. I'm not a failure. I accomplished something. I did this. I DID this. In spite of everything, in spite of the times where I felt like I couldn't, the times where I felt worthless and felt like giving up...there's a tiny piece of paper saying that I made it and that I did well. A friend asked me, "How do you feel to be DONE?" It feels...weird. It feels...great. But on one hand, it feels like...it's not done...it feels like just one step up a staircase. It just means I'm facing the next step. But I'm not worrying about that now. I'm taking delight in the fact that I'm done! I'm graduated! I've finished this chapter!

I did it.

Photography Journey: Part 2

2011: Boston. Shadows were intriguing!

I was very lazy and had no idea what a photography business entailed when I so proudly (and stupidly) announced I was going to run my own photography business. Sure, I had some photo shoots...a couple of them even paid! But they weren't polished, they were for "fun" and I made no effort to build my business. I never networked, I never bought studio equipment or went out looking for work...I just assumed it'd come to me. And the more I waited, doing nothing, the more nothing happened. I fooled myself thinking that shooting my friends was "building up my porfolio" and would help bring in business. I think if I could go back, I'd pat myself on the head.

It was a friend of mine who changed my mind. He was always talking to me about school, pushing and encouraging me to go. And in the end, I did decide to go, all because of the advice of this friend. Through his eyes, I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere and school would help me get somewhere. Even if it didn't help me with the photography, it'd be something to do while waiting for my business to get up and running. Plus, if I wanted my own business, I should probably know a little more about the business side of things.

I remember the day I told my parents I was going...and I remember asking my dad, "What do you think about me going?" I can't remember his exact reply but he told me I had his support but that he and mom were worried that school would change me. I assured him quite confidently that it wouldn't. What is it about being 20 and being so sure of the world?

2011: Oh selfies. And oh, what lighting. 

That same morning, as I was talking of school plans, my friend...the same one who encouraged me to go to school...died. I've talked about my friend's death on here before, hinting at the depression that I struggled with. And I only bring it up again because of the impact it had when I began school and because it was partially because of this friend that I am where I am today, that I am who I am today. 

2011: "Twins" assignment for class. 

The day I went into school to meet with an adviser and set up classes is very memorable for me. After a little mix-up about who was supposed to sit down with me, I finally got a meeting with the man who would become my photography professor. I'd already decided that if I were going to school then I wouldn't leave without a degree, even if that meant I had to major in Business since there was no degree in Photography. After discussing things, however, I discovered that the school was just beginning to offer a photography program where one could earn an Associates degree in photography, rather than just a certificate. Eagerly, I signed up for the first 5 classes listed. "Intro to Mass Media", "English 101", Math, Intro to Photography, and "Designing Business Graphics".

It was a hell of a semester. I had no idea what I was getting into. 5 classes was overwhelming and a heavy load on top of everything in my life. I came home from my first day of classes, called up a friend and burst into tears, bawling that I just couldn't do it. It was the attitude I had all semester long, under the pressure, I was just a basket case. Half-way through the semester, I remember feeling like I was a complete failure and always tired...school, depression...it was hard. My parents suggested perhaps I should drop out and go back to school at a later time. I refused, unable to bear the idea of going back to school and going through it all again. I plugged on and felt relief when the semester was over. In a way, my first semester was the most difficult but I survived.

I just didn't realize how long and hard the rest of school would be, as well as fun and memorable. 

Photography Journey: Part 1

2008

I remember the day I got into photography...I was 18, bored, and it was a rainy day. I picked up my mom's little Canon point&shoot camera and walked around the house with it. I just looked for anything "interesting" (I seriously question my idea of interesting!) and shot anything and everything.
I shot a photo of one of the little girls holding...a bouncy ball. Yeah. A pink and white stripedy bouncy ball. It was as lame as it sounds. My composition was all about dead-centering everything and never knowing when to zoom in or NOT to zoom in!, lighting was provided by on-camera flash (aaaah the red eye days!), and I had no idea what the hell exposure, white balance, ISO, and all that "mumbo-jumbo" meant! Auto was my tool. Heaven forbid!  But I loved it. So much that I bought my beloved Booth, a Canon Rebel, who will be turning 6 in April.

2008: Raindrops didn't need to be in focus: artsy!

As before, I shot on auto, no idea what I was doing, but I was happy doing it. Raindrops on leaves was an especial favorite. Doesn't matter if they were in focus or not...blurry just meant artsy, right? (Hahahahahahahaha).

I decided I wanted to take photography lessons, because I finally discovered that my Canon Rebel did not only have an Auto function but, believe it or not!, it also had a manual function where some interesting words like exposure and lighting and f-stop were a true photographer's second language. It was like being in a club and I wanted to be in that club. I looked into taking private lessons from a photographer, even emailing him about what he charged and how such a lesson would occur. The parents vetoed my taking lessons alone with a guy, so I turned to the internet. I managed to find a photography course and paid $90 for the class. 

2009: Rule of Thirds? I really wasn't as clever as I thought.

I think I completed...3? lessons worth before I discovered how rubbish it all was. So I went back to just snapping photos as I liked em. I even discovered the "non-flash" function and how it sometimes worked better than flash! Oh and placing the subject of my photo in other "sections" of the photo instead of dead-center? I thought I was so clever and unique to compose differently.

As I grew older, I realized that reality was drawing nearer and the fact that I would have to eventually support myself was finally dawning. Marriage wasn't happening any time soon...so what better solution than to start my own photography business??

2010: I realized I loved photography!

My first real photography "gig" was my older brother's engagement photos. With my mom as a "partner", I shot photos of my brother and his fiancee in the lovely town of Amherst. I shot and shot, taking hundreds of photos (did I mention, I just snapped and snapped and snapped without stopping? It seemed much more professional to me if you could hear the shutter repeatedly clicking!), and the more I clicked, the more excited I became. I LOVED shooting. I loved the interaction, the posing, the capturing of so many pretty photos. This shoot was the first time I realized that photography was definitely what I wanted to pursue in my life. It was the first time I felt passion, the first time I loved doing something.

After that, I tried to fill my days with photo shoots, a mixture of senior portraits and engagement photos amongst my friends and family. I told everyone I was going to start my own business. I was warned that in order to succeed, I should probably go to school, but laughed and shook my naive little head. Why go to school when I could just start a business on my own? Why spend all that money and leave my comfort zone to just take some stupid classes? I thought I knew everything at 20. 

2010: I thought I knew everything.

I Am Not Who I Used To Be

Jan. 1, 2013. 

2013 was a long and hard year, full of self-discovery and struggles. I can see how I am still the same person I was on Jan. 1st, 2013 but I also see the changes, the growth. 

I'm not who I used to be. 

While I feel like in some ways I took two steps back for each step I took forward, I know that I've learned so much in 2013, about life, about myself.

I learned it's okay to love myself, that I don't have to be perfect in everything to still be worthwhile.

I learned it is far easier to ask forgiveness than to grant it, which is sad.

I learned that I am strong, I am smart, and I am worthwhile.

I learned that it's okay to be different...I am not the girl who wants to go out and party and have the same experiences as most adults in their 20s. I am quiet, I like being alone, I am bookish, nerdy, a planner, and not as spontaneous as some people wish me to be. And that's okay. 

I learned that it is not always easy to love others, but it is worth it.

I learned that the hard things, the struggles make the triumphs even more valuable.

I learned that opening myself up, being completely vulnerable is as scary as hell, but sometimes life calls for me to be vulnerable to those around me.

I learned that I make a difference in people's lives. Even though it is in the smallest ways, I do matter. 

I learned life's never going to be easy but fighting my way through the world transforms you into the person you were meant to be.

In spite of everything, I've learned that no matter how many hours, days, weeks, months, seasons, years go by...

I am still me.

Jan. 1st, 2014. 

I am Sam. 

And for the first time in forever, I love being me, imperfections and all.

Women of Strength: Part 3

Women of strength in  movies is great and all, and I definitely find encouragement to be more kickass, to pursue my dreams, to live life to the fullest, to not take crap from others, to laugh off the criticism, and to never falter even when people frown. I am encouraged to stand up for what's right, even in standing up to what I believe are damaging blog posts.

We've already covered women of strength in movies...what about the strong women in real life?

I look around me and admire the women I see around me. While, yes, I have those people in my life that talk down to women, believe they're subjected to men, and should "submit" and be "controlled" by men...I also am surrounded by the encouraging, wonderful, beautiful, strong women who are forging a path, whether it be side by side with a husband or on their own. They are true to themselves, never demeaning themselves to a man's wishes. And it is so incredible to see how their lives are good, encouraging, and doing good in this world! Who are these women who have impacted our world?


Jael. Yes, I am using an example from the Bible. This woman seriously was awesome. Little is written about her but what was written is pretty cool. First of all, she is linked to a story involving another awesome woman: Deborah! Because Barak wouldn't carry out God's plans unless Deborah went him, God allowed a woman to "save the day", so to speak.  While being chased by Barak and his men, Sisera made his way to Jael's tent. There she enticed him in, gave him something to drink, and allowed him to fall asleep in her own tent. Once he was asleep, what did this woman do? She defeated him. She nailed a tent peg into his head. She conquered the enemy and God so wished it. Instead of delivering Sisera into the hand of Barak, God allowed a woman "take down" the enemy. It's amazing how "Christians" will criticize fictional women in movies for "taking down" the enemy, instead of allowing the "heroes" do the work. God allowed a woman to have the credit of taking down an enemy that was being pursued by a man. Funny how that worked out. Jael was brave and strong and defeated the enemy because she could. 

Harriet Tubman. What a woman. Raised as a slave, born to a like of submission and being controlled being owned by a man, Harriet managed to escape. Having experienced the torture of slavery, Harriet returned not once not twice to help other slaves escape but 19 times, helping hundreds of fellow slaves. As a child, she had been beaten by her masters and been injured in the head. Because of her injury, she suffered from seizures, black-outs, and headaches. In spite of that, and in spite of the fact that she faced torturous punishment, even death, as a result of helping slaves escape, she heard a calling and listened. Harriet listened to the calling for her life and it wasn't staying at home or being protected by a man. Instead this strong woman protected and saved others. She saved lives at the risk of her own. You cannot find a more encouraging and brave example of a woman.

Irena Sendler. This woman was yet another that stood strong in the face of pain and death in order to save lives. When the Warsaw ghetto was built during WWII, Irena managed to smuggle more than 2500 children out of the ghetto and relocated them with various families who hid and cared for them. Not only that, but Irena managed to keep track of each child, writing down their names and where she had them placed. She stored all their names in a jar, which she buried to find at a later time. Captured by the Nazis, Irena was tortured...her legs and arms were broken and she was beaten. In spite of this, she revealed nothing and the children she had managed to smuggle out were saved. After the war, Irena was able to help reunite the children with their families.
This woman did what it took to stop the enemy from killing the innocent. She did what needed to be done, even when tortured. She was a woman, strong and determined against the enemy. She didn't sit back and let men do the saving...she saw the opportunity to do good and did it.

Dorothea Lange. I don't think many people view Dorothea as a woman of strength but she truly was a heroine. As a photographer, Dorothea saw how damaging the Great Depression was and stepped into the streets to capture the real life among the homeless and jobless. Through her photography, the reality of the Great Depression was placed before the public and impacted society into creating a change.  This woman faced the heaviness of the Great Depression. Her photographs didn't depict happy circumstances. Instead, this woman stood strong, capturing reality as it was: hard, heart-breaking...starving families, jobless men and women, mothers desperate to feed their children...Dorothea didn't stay inside her studio, creating a living for herself. She went out into the world and faced the horrible truth that few wanted to see. She was strong in revealing the truth when the truth needed to be revealed.


Like the movie heroines I listed in my previous post, these real-life heroines faced the odds, danger, pain, even death to do what was right. They didn't sit at home, letting the burdens of the world fall to the men. They pursued what they felt they needed to do. They took down the enemy when it was in their power to do so, the chose to do what was right when it was hardest to do so. I see these women and I feel empowered, encouraged, and inspired. If these women can create a life for themselves, pursue their dreams, choose to do right even when it was hard, who is there to say I cannot do the same? Who can be against me, when I have a calling? God gave me gifts, He gave me strengths, He gave me intelligence and the power to learn. With these gifts, strengths, intelligence...with all of these powers, I have the opportunity to become a woman of strength.
I was not born to just sit around and let men save the day. I was not born to become merely a man's instrument. I was made for more. I was made to serve and worship God in everything! I have a calling and I am called to be a woman of strength. No man, no woman, no one is going to take that away from me. For who is against me, when He is for me?

Women of Strength: Part 2

There is a lot of criticism out there about the women movies depict these days. I find it rather funny...because while there are many in Christian circles that criticize them, I am excited by them. I am encouraged, I am driven to be strong myself...

My theory is this...men in some Christian circles are scared by the idea of strong women.

I'm sure I've raised quite a few eyebrows with my words yesterday...

"Boys, I don't need you."

So horribly feminist of  me! However, this isn't about being a feminist. In fact, I rather love males. I have some terribly good male friends, I love dates, I love hanging out with guys, and I desire marriage someday. Guys, this is nothing personal. Obviously, we need guys in order to keep up the human race, and they're awfully useful to have around, not to mention fun and interesting. But as I keep saying...this isn't about feminism or belittling marriage or even about belittling guys. This series of post is about strong women, and only strong women.

As I've mentioned, girls, we don't need men/boys to be strong. We don't need boys to save us if we can do it ourselves. This is why I believe women of strength in movies are needed. Shall we take a look at how and why these women are great?


Katniss Everdeen. Oh, yes, you knew she was coming. What better place to start? She's all the rage right now, due to the series being turned into movies.
Katniss is a young teenage girl, living in a time of horror. Her country is needlessly killing off her peers in order to control the people. Not wanting to get involved and intent on watching over her fatherless family, Katniss keeps her head down, careful not to draw attention. Then the day comes when her little sister's name is drawn...drawn for almost certain death.
Katniss is a woman of strength...she shows the power of sacrifice and love by taking the place of her sister. Her love for her family is so strong she is willing to do what most people would not do...she faces death.

Natasha Romanoff/The Black Widow. Why are weak women in need of being rescued so desirable in the Christian world? Because in belittling themselves, they stroke a boy's ego, they make men seem more masculine, they cause men to appear strong...when in reality, by portraying all women as weak and incapable of strength, boys merely become lazy. While, yes, boys may tend to be physically stronger than some women, it should  not be a reason for women to slack off and remain weak. Natasha Romanoff is an example of a woman who fights for good, who doesn't let men domineer over her or belittle her. She has a purpose, a belief she stands for, and she is willing to be strong and fight for it. Yes, she takes down men, she conquers evil...I'm not sure why this is viewed as a bad thing? Since when has it become wrong to take down bad guys? Natasha Romanoff kicks ass. I love her character because I see how with a strong mind and a strong will, I can defend what I believe, too. I can strengthen my own skills, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to face a world of horrible things. I can fight to defeat evil.

Amelia Pond. Amy Pond from Doctor Who demonstrates strength in incredible ways. The woman who fights tooth and nail for her husband and daughter. The girl, who although so in love with the life of traveling and helping the Doctor save the world, didn't even hesitate to stay with her husband. The woman who learned that in order to stay with him, she would have to give up everything else she loved and actually have to face her greatest fears...and yet, she chose to. She chose to give everything up, to face her fears, all to be with her husband. Her strength is something to imitate.

Sam. What? Of course I had to choose a strong female character who shares my name! ;) Sam from The Perks of Being a Wallflower is not the obvious strong woman that most people notice. She is weak in the sense that she allows guys to use her. As she and Charlie discuss...

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?
Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

Sam originally accepts the love she thinks she deserves. But because of her friendship with Charlie (oh, my goodness, here I am again actually saying something *good* about a guy!) and his influence, Sam chooses to be strong. She chooses to reject those who held her down, the guys who belittled and used her. Instead, she chooses to reject that she's not good enough. She works hard to get into college, she chooses to stop dating the wrong kind of guy, and chooses to believe in something more than the love she believed she'd deserved. Her strength in choosing to leave weakness, to be strong, is inspiring.


What is it that all these fictional movie characters have in common? They chose to be strong...they defied the odds, they defied being held down by people who would belittle them. They chose to leave weakness and become strong. This is exactly the kind of example I love to see in the movie world. It is exactly the kind of imagery we as women need to see, to be encouraged by, to practice ourselves.

We need this kind of message in a world that would tear us down. A message of: be strong and take courage.

Next time...
Women of strength meets real life...

Women of Strength: Part 1.

This morning, hanging out with my friend Amy, we were discussing a blogpost written by an uber-conservative boy, reviewing the movie The Avengers. We strongly disagreed on his take of the movie, but...you know, to each his/her own, right?

Then I read something extremely disturbing.

Speaking of the Black Widow/Romanoff (played by Scarlett Johansson), this boy, named Gabriel Hudelson, wrote:

I wanted to conquer her, to remind her that I'm a man, and she's a woman, and she can't 'take me'.**

I've grown in a circle of friends where everyone looks down on tough women.  A girl who takes down guys? Sinful. Feminist. Unchristlike. These are the words attached to these women. But what this boy has written about this character goes beyond that. The thought this boy has portrayed implies an excuse to rape.  When has Christianity come to this? Belittling women and their strength? Where boys have to "conquer" women in order to prove their masculinity...where boys are so insecure and lazy that strong women scare them.

They should be scared. Maybe it'll scare the laziness out of them.

Just because a woman is strong, doesn't mean she isn't in alignment with God or rejecting femininity. Strong female characters are what the movie world needs.

As a woman, I don't need a man to save me. I don't need, nor want, a "knight in shining armor" to save me. Boys, I don't need you. The only person who can save me is God. Beyond that? Myself. This is not a post to promote feminism (though I am very much a supporter of feminists, in the sense that I seek equal rights)...this post is about women of strength.

God created me as an individual, to be strong and gifted and able to serve Him. To rely on Him. To be strong in Him. This means, I will be strong even when boys are weak, insecure, scared, lazy...I will not belittle myself, lower myself, pretend to be weak in order to boost a boy's ego. Who I am is not defined by a boy. I, myself, and my God define who I am. I prove my worth by following the calling of God, by using my God-given gifts to worship and serve Him, not boys. 

Do you notice how I keep using the word boy? I say this because only a boy would be insecure enough to implicate rape as a means of keeping women in control.

Women are not in need of being controlled. In fact, we are in need of being raised higher, our strengths being recognized and acknowledged and encouraged. We are strong because that is how we are meant to be, there is a need for strong women because the world needs to see, to understand, that women do not need men to be a strong person.  It is not a sin to be single and strong.

This is not to belittle marriage or a strong relationship between a husband and wife, where they support and encourage and lift each other up. This post is solely about the fact that women are meant to be strong and should never pretend to be weak when they are not. All for the sake of a boy.

Be strong, girls. Take courage, take initiative...create a life for yourselves! Do not rely on boys to define you. That is not how God has created us! Be who you were created to be, be strong because that is how He meant for you to be.


Next time...
Women of strength in movies are needed...

**Full blogpost found here:
http://allauthority.blogspot.com/2012/10/review-avengers.html

There Goes a Fighter

Life is about the mess-ups. The screw-ups. Falling down. The scars, emotional and physical. The pain, the hurt, the heartache.

It is these less than perfect moments that mold us into who we are. It is how we learn, it is what strengthens us, builds us up, causes us to become wiser and able to face what comes our way.


I've mentioned several times before that I am judged. But I am also accepted. I think, this year, the biggest step I've taken in my life and in helping me grow, is to accept who I am. I feel like eyes are on me, expecting me to be perfect, yet breaths are held, just waiting for me to fall and to fail.  People who disagree with my life choices, who are watching me, thinking that I WILL fail because they think I am not in alignment with God.

I see my friend Amy as she struggles with criticism and a lack of understanding as she embarks on a journey to a new country. People who watch her, expecting her, wanting her to fail.

I see my friend, a girl who chose a career over motherhood and how she is attacked for being ungodly...being watched by people who expect to see her fail because she's not following the supposed "will of God" for her life.

I see another friend who is seen as different and lives in sin for his life choices. I see the people around him, watching him, waiting for God to "strike him down".

I see a dear friend struggling with health issues and yet not letting that control her.

I see a kindred spirit pushing through physical restraints to accomplish her dreams.


What do I see in these friends? I see fighters. I see fear, judgment, pain, hurt, criticisms, scars, screw-ups, and heartache all faced with brave faces and strong wills yearning to overcome anything for lives meant to be lived. I see fighters fighting against the norm, fighting against the crowds boo-ing against them, all because they feel called to something. I see fighters living LIFE.

And I am inspired, I am filled with hope, I am encouraged by these people. I am drawn to them, I am in love with their bravery.

To you brave people in my life and to those of you out there who push through the hardships and to myself, I say,

Give em hell, turn their heads

Gonna live life til we're dead.

Give me scars, give me pain

Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter

Here comes the fighter

That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,

This one's a fighter

Part 1: I Am Judged

I am judged.

Wherever I go, I run into people who place judgments on me. I run into people who believe it is their "duty" to bash a Bible over my head, who feel it's "right and good" to shame and guilt me...to place me inside a box and tape the lid over my head. I run into people who take it upon themselves to implicate that I am not a Christian.  That because I live my life differently, then I am in sin.

The other day, I had a friend message me to tell me I was shameful for pinning photos of girls in bikinis on my Pinterest. "Supporting girls who dress slutty like prostitutes gives people an impression of yourself."   
I am judged for photos. And for the way I dress.

I've been told it is dangerous to read certain books. I am judged for reading Harry Potter, Pride & Prejudice and Zombies, Narnia, Lord of the Rings.
I am judged for what I read.

I've been told music with any kind of beat is of the devil. And I have been told that listening to Katy Perry, Rihanna, Avril Lavigne, and other such "godless feminists" only encourages me in a life away from God.
I am judged for the music I listen to.

I've been told I will no longer be pure if I use "swears" such as "hell" and "shit" and "damn".
I am judged for words.

I've been told that to watch a movie with a PG-13 or higher rating means that I am filling my life with filth.
I am judged for what I watch.

I receive emails, letters, private messages from girls (and guys) telling me that I appear "too blunt", "as a feminist", "too out-spoken". As a woman, I am supposed to be soft-spoken, demure, quiet, and just keep my mouth shut.
I am judged for who I am.

I have been told I live a legalistic life...I've been told I'm much too liberal, that I am not living my life according to God's way. I have been told out-right I am in sin, I have been told underhandedly that I need to rethink my life.
I am judged for what I believe.

That is what life is...

I have gone through my life feeling like I don't fit in, that I SHOULD fit in. As a teen, I felt like my very nature was all wrong. I felt that I was too loud, too obnoxious, too opinionated...and that people didn't like it. So I gave in, I tried to fit myself into other people's boxes. I tried to be quiet, and keep my mouth shut, and reject what I truly believed. I tried because I was a people pleaser. But it never stuck. Always, my true personality would make it's way out...I am not a quiet person when it comes to stating my opinion, and I am very opinionated. And when I believe something, I believe it hard.

I am told I'm not spiritual enough. My spiritual walk is just that. Mine. It is special, it is unique, it is personal. It is mine. What I discuss with God, what He says to me...it is treasured. And I don't need to share everything with the world. I've had people tell me to read certain Bible verses, listen to certain sermons, certain songs, read certain books...all because they doubt my Christianity, doubt that I am strong in my faith.

It is hard. And it wears me down.  My sister told me, "Right now, I think you need to be loud, but it does have a downside. You attract the judgers as well as people who agree." 

"Friends"...those of you who judge me, I have something I want to share with you.

I love God with my whole heart. Just because I listen to certain music, read certain books, watch certain movies, say certain words, believe certain things...just because I am different from you, doesn't mean God loves me less. 

I want you to know, I am not easily swayed. When I believe something, it is because I considered it long and hard. God is very much present in my life decisions.

I want you to remember...I am human. Yes, I fail in my walk with God. Yes, I mess up. But I am only human. Words and actions and judgments still hurt. You have no right to try to change me. It is not your place. I know I can fail and judge others too. I am guilty of it myself. But I want to share with you the quote that I constantly remind myself.

"When I think of my own failings, it allows me to look at others with tolerance and acceptance and forgiveness." 

I am not asking you to agree with me on my lifestyle or the choices I make. I am asking, if you are trying to be a true friend, put forth tolerance and acceptance. And I will extend you the same courtesy. In fact, I will try to extend the same courtesy even though you don't extend the same to me.

I know I will always be judged. It's what happens when someone publicly says or does anything differently. I expect it. But today I want to encourage tolerance and acceptance. I want to encourage grace.

I am judged but it's not going to change me.  I am who God made me to be.  I am where He wants me to be.  I am working on the woman He created me to be.  And I have accepted that.  Can you?




Watch for Part 2: I Am Accepted

Create a Life

I recently got into a discussion about single young women. And one girl said something that stuck out particularly to me.

"We need a life to share with someone else instead of waiting for a guy to come along with all the put-togetherness."

How true is this? I come from a conservative background where books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and When God Writes Your Love Story and Boy Meets Girl, as well as the ideals of courtship were promoted. I had friends who preached the necessity of a girl living at home until she was married and the evils of working outside as a single girl.

To this day, in conservative circles, the idea that a girl should stay at home and assist her father and brothers in pursuing their dreams is heavily pushed upon every young woman. I reject these ideas because this implies that God has created robot women, each one exactly alike with the same exact talents and gifts to be used in the same exact way. I believe in a God that created individuals not just genders or gender roles.

That having been said, I believe in creating a life for myself, based on the calling God has for me. If a girl sits around doing nothing with her life while waiting for a man who may never show, then she has wasted a perfectly good life. If a girl was meant to wait for a man to begin her life, then why wasn't she born the day of her wedding? The fact is, a man doesn't need to put together a life for himself AND then create a life for the girl he loves in order for him to marry her.  A girl doesn't need a man to create a life for her. She has the tools and gifts to do so for herself right at her fingertips. If a man cannot fit into the life that a woman has built for herself according to the calling God has led her on, then he is not. worth. it. A woman needs a man whose life is compatible with her own. God didn't create us to place man, a husband, as the center of our lives. He didn't create us to place a man and his life above all else, above the gifts and calling God has given to us individually. And while some say that this can fit into the form of a housewife and homemaker and mother, it doesn't always. Some women aren't called to that life.

Waiting to build a life around a husband is a waste. It is creating an idol out of  a husband. We can have absolutely marvelous lives if we'd only stop sitting around, waiting for a man who could possibly never show up on our doorsteps. I am an individual, a woman called to do something with her life. And if a man wants to enter this life, he has to be compatible with it, just as my life needs to be compatible with his. And in this way, I am not wasting my life away nor am I obsessing over an idol of a man, a husband.

If we create a life for ourselves, this does not mean that all men will be scared away nor that there won't be any room for a husband. Yes, perhaps it won't work out with the lives of a lot of men, but as Amy March said, "You don't need scores of suitors. You only need one. If he's the right one." Create a life that you're called to create...a life you can share not give up.