Only Human

I covered it's been hard for me to embrace who I really am. In fact, I think I should admit that I still have no bloody idea who I am exactly. I'm attempting to discover myself, the person, the girl I am deep underneath the layers and layers of nature and nurturing I've acquired over the years of my life. Asking the questions, 

"Is this really me? Or is it a remnant of who they wanted me to be?" 

"Do I really think like this, or is this left-over from the fake me?" 

"What *is* my style?" 

"What do I think genuinely about this?" 

I find myself wondering who the hell I really am. I attempt to extend myself grace as I learn the little things about myself. I attempt (and fail) to love myself. As I ask these questions, however, I sometimes forget that this self-discovery is just not that: self-discovery. It is more. It is the discovery of who I am to the world as well. It is the discovery of who I am to other people while finding myself.

Am I the girl who loves herself only to forget to extend that love to others? Or does it make me more susceptible to extend grace and love? I find myself struggling to take in grace and to give it.

I am harsh with myself, loathing of all the negative qualities that seem to consume my life. But not

only that but I am also not as giving as I could be when it comes to others and the negativity I face 

from them. 

I think of my best friend and the qualities about her very self that tend to rub me the wrong way. There's nothing wrong persay with what she does, but it annoys me and as a result I look at these actions as offensive, my sensitive mind glaring at her because she's late and I'm early, she's stubborn in the moments

where I am not and I am stubborn where she is not. You'd think we balance each other out quite nicely, and we do. Normally I just smile and roll my eyes because we are best friends and that's just what best friends do. We irritate each other. 

However there are the days where I am just not easily amused and want to speak harshly.

And while I don't, because I'd feel much too guilty to say anything, I do tend to lock these feelings up inside, harboring them. What good is there in harboring feelings? When, one day, I was faced with a sudden realization that I was the one being completely unreasonable and selfish in my expectations of those who surround me in life. 

I was reading John Green's Paper Towns. And a friend of the main character says to him: 

“You know your problem, Quentin? You keep expecting people not to be themselves. I mean, I could hate you for being massively unpunctual and for never being interested in anything other than Margo Roth Spiegelman, and for, like, never asking me about how it's going with my girlfriend - but I don't give a shit, man, because you're you. My parents have a shit ton of black Santas, but that's okay. They're them. I'm too obsessed with a reference website to answer my phone sometimes when my friends call, or my girlfriend. That's okay, too. That's me. You like me anyway. And I like you. You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually.” 

This is my problem. I keep expecting people to not be themselves.

How can I expect the world to accept me, the real me when I am unable to accept others for who they are? 

Real acceptance isn't about embracing the likable parts. It isn't about accepting the bits we like about each other. It is about accepting each other as wholes. Not a part of me, not a part of you, not halves, not pieces: all of each other. Taking the good with the bad, extending grace to one another for the screw-ups, showing forgiveness for the hurts, acting kindness for the mistakes, and above all being loving through the moments when we least feel like it. 

I have written on my hand, "Only Human", because I am that obnoxious girl who writes on her hands.

But also because it is the reminder I needed this week. The reminder that I am only human not only as I struggle to find and understand myself, but also as I learn to grow and live with those around me. I want to remember that not only am I human, but so is the rest of the world. I do not live in a bubble, I do not live alone, nor do I want to be alone. And because of this fact, I want to remember that those around me?
They are only human too.

Photography Journey: Part 3.

My second semester was an improvement over the first, mostly because I was more in-depth in my photography classes, surrounded by other photographer-wanna-bes, and finally feeling like I was being initiated into that club I so wanted to be a part of. That second semester, I made friends, slowly and quietly found myself entering a small group within the photography classes where inside jokes were born and where we all worked hard alongside each other, the competition absent and instead a sense of encouragement for one another and acceptance. We didn't see each other as "the competition"...we were in it together, we were friends. It made school so much more bearable.

The classes weren't easier or the work load smaller, but working with others made it easier in a way.
And I threw myself into my photography classes. They only reassured me that I was where I was supposed to be. I loved every part of it (except perhaps those damn tool caddy assignments!).
The more I learned, the more I became part of that club. My first class in-studio was
extremely intimidating. The more advanced students knew wherever went, and how to set everything up, while I stood to the side, helpless and feeling very much the part of a newbie. But I also remember the semester where I, too, walked into that studio, the pro. As my friend Kate stated, "For once we're the pros and not the newbies..." Such a good feeling, let me tell you!

2012: we weren't competitors. We were friends.

School still wasn't without its share of tears. The studying was a killer. Late nights...the night I sat up until 3am, bawling over math because I had a test the next day...the headaches, migraines over studying....the notes galore, the photos I snapped...it all went into the days of school.

Along came my required Business class. I went into it still determined to have my own photography business one day. Then the class came and smacked me across the face. Who knew that to run one's own business, one has to devote 99% of her time to business and only 1% to photography in order to be successful? While some can be passionate about both photography and business and easily combine them, I just cannot. Business is NOT a passion and I decided there was no way I could start my own business. Perfect. I knew I loved photography but now I had no idea what I wanted to do, outside of perhaps work in a studio. The class made me question my priorities...did I love photography enough? I did, it turned out.

I entered 2 photographs into the Spring Exhibit at my school and one of my photos was chosen to hang in the exhibit. I was *thrilled*. Imagine my nervousness as I sat in the school cafeteria for the honor's night. One photo from the exhibit would be chosen as Best of Category. Would mine make 2nd place? I sat, surrounded by my family, barely noticing all the other awards being handed out for all the graphic design categories. Finally it was time. I heard my name. I heard the applause. I saw the blur of people and the floor and the walls as I got up and walked to the front. My photography teacher stood there, his hand outstretched and a grin on his face as he shook my hand and handed me the certificate.

For the first time in my life, I was proud of me. 

For my last semester, instead of taking just my last, four, required classes I decided to add a fifth class: photojournalism. Just as my first semester was hell, so was my last one in a way. Between the mixture of tough classes, confusing teachers, and mix-ups involving my classes and graduation, I found myself feeling very discouraged. On top of that, all the friends I'd made had graduated with their certificates in Photography the prior semester. I told a friend, "School can't let me leave without a fight." This past fall was difficult. I studied my butt off, feeling like it was never enough. Still feeling like a failure even though I hadn't acquired a grade lower than an A- in the past. My GPA was high, and yet I still felt like I had to fight to accomplish anything. The last 6 weeks of classes felt like they dragged on forever. And then finals came. And then. They were over. Time has sped by since then. And then, the other day the mailman dropped a white, thick envelope in the mail. I ripped it open and pulled out that little black book with the tiny piece of paper inside.

I did it. Two and half years of tears, fears, heartaches, headaches, constant tiredness, struggling, fighting, killing myself, feeling like a failure...and a tiny piece of paper saying it was all worth it. I'm not a failure. I accomplished something. I did this. I DID this. In spite of everything, in spite of the times where I felt like I couldn't, the times where I felt worthless and felt like giving up...there's a tiny piece of paper saying that I made it and that I did well. A friend asked me, "How do you feel to be DONE?" It feels...weird. It feels...great. But on one hand, it feels like...it's not done...it feels like just one step up a staircase. It just means I'm facing the next step. But I'm not worrying about that now. I'm taking delight in the fact that I'm done! I'm graduated! I've finished this chapter!

I did it.

There Goes a Fighter

Life is about the mess-ups. The screw-ups. Falling down. The scars, emotional and physical. The pain, the hurt, the heartache.

It is these less than perfect moments that mold us into who we are. It is how we learn, it is what strengthens us, builds us up, causes us to become wiser and able to face what comes our way.


I've mentioned several times before that I am judged. But I am also accepted. I think, this year, the biggest step I've taken in my life and in helping me grow, is to accept who I am. I feel like eyes are on me, expecting me to be perfect, yet breaths are held, just waiting for me to fall and to fail.  People who disagree with my life choices, who are watching me, thinking that I WILL fail because they think I am not in alignment with God.

I see my friend Amy as she struggles with criticism and a lack of understanding as she embarks on a journey to a new country. People who watch her, expecting her, wanting her to fail.

I see my friend, a girl who chose a career over motherhood and how she is attacked for being ungodly...being watched by people who expect to see her fail because she's not following the supposed "will of God" for her life.

I see another friend who is seen as different and lives in sin for his life choices. I see the people around him, watching him, waiting for God to "strike him down".

I see a dear friend struggling with health issues and yet not letting that control her.

I see a kindred spirit pushing through physical restraints to accomplish her dreams.


What do I see in these friends? I see fighters. I see fear, judgment, pain, hurt, criticisms, scars, screw-ups, and heartache all faced with brave faces and strong wills yearning to overcome anything for lives meant to be lived. I see fighters fighting against the norm, fighting against the crowds boo-ing against them, all because they feel called to something. I see fighters living LIFE.

And I am inspired, I am filled with hope, I am encouraged by these people. I am drawn to them, I am in love with their bravery.

To you brave people in my life and to those of you out there who push through the hardships and to myself, I say,

Give em hell, turn their heads

Gonna live life til we're dead.

Give me scars, give me pain

Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter

Here comes the fighter

That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,

This one's a fighter

Part 3: I Am Loved

As I said already, even I struggle with accepting someone, showing them tolerance when they are so very different from myself. It's hard in those moments when you really don't understand why someone is the way they are, or why they make decisions as they do. But sometimes, when you make the deep connection of true, real friendship, you just *do*...there's no thought or question in your mind that you will accept them, you will tolerate them, because they are your bosom friend. 

Amy already shared with you her side of our story, now I am going to share mine. 

Amy was right...we are very different. And yet somehow it works. When I first met Amy, she had become a new member of a girls' only forum I ran. I intimidated her (me! intimidating HER of all people!!) and she...well, I distinctly remember thinking she and her sister were the two sweetest girls I'd ever met. So sweet that it didn't feel POSSIBLE. Boy, was I wrong. ;) It is possible. But that sweetness also hides a mischievous nature and an abundance of silliness. 

We both struggled as teens, discovering who we were, trying to become the perfect godly women we *should* be, and often we would nearly headbutt over how to go about that. Almost. But never quite. Because even during that time of being completely different, we tolerated each other. We accepted each other. All because we loved each other. 

I remember the one time where we each were intent on converting the other. And we agreed to present our case to each other. I sent her a book on keeping the Saturday Sabbath and Biblical Feast Days. She sent me the DVD of "Amazing Grace: The History & Theology of Calvinism". I laugh now, looking back...the two of us so determined not to be changed but wanting to be tolerant, and both of us digging into each other's beliefs to debate with each other at a later time. I remember our discussion after we both read/watched each other's book/dvd. I was growing frustrated that Amy wasn't appearing to understand and then I realized...she was probably thinking the same thing about me. And then it changed for me. I learned to accept that it was okay. 

That wasn't the true test of our acceptance for one another. In fact, when the true test came, I didn't even see it as a test. But looking back, I see how much I put Amy through and my heart just overflows that she stuck through the worst of times...for me. 

My best friend died. Quite suddenly and the impact of it all caused me to break down. In just a matter of days, I shoved everyone out of my life to grieve on my own. The sympathy, the love, the desire people had to show me they cared and wanted to talk and wanted to be there for me drove me crazy. I could not stand it. And I remember getting so angry and frustrated that Amy would not leave me alone. I was so blinded by my depression that I could not see that she was genuinely concerned for me. That she loved me so much that she wanted to stand with me while I hurt. Over and over and over again, I kept pushing her away. And it hurt her. So much. Now, it breaks my heart that it did. 

But. She did not give up on me. She waited. And when I finally let her back in my life, my testing her hadn't ended. I had changed through my depression. I was a completely different person. I'm sure I was overly-serious to the point of being obnoxious, I was even more blunt and I probably had a "I don't give a shit" kind of attitude toward the world. 

She accepted me, all the same. All because she loved me. 

To this day, Amy and I are still vastly different in so many ways. Seriously. How can my bestie love "The Newsies"?? THE NEWSIES! And Justin Bieber! *facepalm* And yet, if you talk to her, she'll say, "How can MY bestie love 'Harry Potter'??? And 'Napoleon Dynamite'??"

Oh, gosh, can she STILL drive me crazy! This girl is the energizer bunny compared to my tortoise self. She is always going going going, no matter what. And I am the evil Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde if I don't get enough sleep! Man, this girl puts up with so much crap from me, it's ridiculous! Oh, yes, and the creepy way she gets me to sing Taylor Swift in the car is just...embarrassing. I don't know how she does it.

But you know what? It doesn't matter. As the days and years go by, we seem to grow more alike in what is important. And when you agree on what's important and when you learn how to accept and tolerate differences, nothing holds you back in creating a beautiful friendship. 

Amy. This wonderful girl is amazing. She listens to my every rant with nothing but love and encouragement. She prays for me, no matter what the issue is. When we talk about getting together, she never puts it off. She is always ready to commit to a plan. We connect every. single. day, whether it be text or Facebook. People think friendship can last through random visits and sporadic chats. And maybe it can. But a best friendship lasts because of the strong commitment between two people. Amy is committed through not just the good times but the worst of times. She never gives up on me. And you don't know how that makes me cry. To be so accepted because of a strong love. 

Amy doesn't judge me. In fact, I learned through her example what true acceptance looks like. True acceptance is unconditional love. Do you know how rare it is to receive unconditional love? I thought about it and realized just how FEW people in my life right now love me unconditionally. How FEW friends love me unconditionally. And pretty much at the top of the list is Amy. 

I am going to make a reference that Amy won't get since she is so not a nerdy person who watches Doctor Who. *AHEM* *COUGH* *LOOKS POINTEDLY AT HER* 

But Amy, my bestie, so to speak, really is "...the girl who waited". She waited for me through the bad time and was still there when I returned to her. Her friendship, her sweetness, her acceptance, and most importantly, her love was stronger than ever. 

Do I understand her, with all her energy and silliness and her intense dislike of coffee (seriously, how are we even friends??)? Not always. But her love for me and her acceptance of me reaches beyond the petty things. And that is what connects us. Our love and acceptance for each other. Amy taught me to love unconditionally as a best friend. A love so strong that not even separation, whether it be caused by depression or bodies of water, can end it. 

Amy accepts me. And I know that because of her, I am loved. 

Part 2: I Am Accepted

Part 2 is written by guest poster, Amy, on the topic of acceptance. 

Acceptance - it's something that we hear about all the time in this culture. And for the most part we think we do - sure - I accept that person who is different then me. But when it really comes down to it, do we really understand the true meaning of acceptance? Do we understand what it means to have someone close to us - like a best friend let's say, who is very different then us, and believes differently than us, who likes different things, who has a different personality, and be able to accept them for the person God made THEM to be. To accept them even when they drive us crazy or believe things that we don't. When they do things we don't agree with - do we know what it is not to judge them but to embrace that person and love that they ARE different from us?

I have a few girls who are my best friends - we are all totally different. And yet, somehow we stick together through it all. We can stick together because we love each other and accept each the other for who she is - not for who we think they SHOULD be. We don't try to change each other or judge the other when they believe differently or do something we don't agree with.

I want to talk specifically about one of my very best friends. You probably know her at least a little bit if you are reading this blog ;) But you probably don't really know her like I do - so I'll introduce you - her name is Sam. NOT Sammy (If looks could kill I'd be dead right now for the looks I've gotten for calling her this one ;)). Sam is an awesome person and friend - she has been there for me through a lot of stuff. We met when I was about 16-years-old and she had just graduated from high school. I was very legalistic and she and I believed very differently - about pretty much everything. Looking back neither of us were comfortable in our own skin, but we both were trying to pretend we were. I'm dead certain God was the One who made us friends because otherwise how could two people so different end up being such good friends? Sam was a godsend to a girl who barely had any friends, who didn't have her own real opinions on things yet. 

Like I said - Sam and I are very different - throughout the years we have grown up a lot and we believe a lot more alike now then we ever did, but most of our friendship I would say we have disagreed on beliefs. We even disagreed on movies (still do - I often like movie's she likes but she often hates movie's I love ;)). Yet somehow we can tell each other everything, and even when we were young we accepted each other - we'd disagree but underneath it all we always know that the other one will still love us. 

That doesn't mean we don't have hard times in our friendships or that we don't drive each other crazy. Honestly, sometimes she makes me want to pull my hair out. There was even a time when I didn't know if our friendship was going to make it - and honestly I felt like crying every day during that time. And yet looking back at even that time I realize that God brought us through that for a reason - I know He was teaching her stuff and He taught me a LOT about accepting and loving a friend - being a best friend - even when I wasn't sure some days. To make me realize to be best friends means that sometimes you have hard times - but you stick through it and accept the other person no matter how different then are. During that time she changed rather fast, I felt like I couldn't keep up - granted I changed a lot over the last several years, but my changes I felt were slower (maybe because I was living them?) - she changed faster and I have to re-learn things about her and her personality and beliefs that weren't there before - or that I hadn't been able to see before. Yet when we came out of that time of learning and changing we both still were there - Sam was still there. We had never abandoned each other. We were different, but we were still ourselves - in fact we now are more ourSELVES then we ever were before. Because of what we went through it made us stronger and closer. 

We now can encourage and accept each other when no one else seems too. We know the other won't judge us by the movies we watch, the songs we listen too, the words we use. If we are mad or hurt or upset and need to rant - we know we can go to each other because it doesn't matter what we say or do - the other person will still be there. We can be ourselves. When we are going through hell in our lives at the end the other person will be waiting. 

We are so different, but that's good - we sharpen each other. We have a blast with each other and it's ok we are different. 

We are so different but underneath it all we LOVE each other like crazy - I can't imagine life without her. And when you love someone it makes it easy to accept them because you get excited to see how the other person is changing and finding themselves. You get excited when they come to you with some new thing they love (even if you hate it personally like *cough cough* HP ;)). 

Learn to accept each other, because God made each of us differently. But He also made us to need each other. Knowing Sam has taught me so much. She taught me to branch out - to let go of legalism. To become my own person. To do what I wanted to do in life. Being her friend taught me to accept others for who they are and to love the gifts God has given them.

Do I always understand her or why she does certain things or believes certain things? No. But I accept her. I'm proud of her. I love her no matter what. And I know she does too (because if she didn't we'd be in trouble cause I'm really quirky and weird once you get to know me ;)). 

Love you Sam - I have no clue what I'd do without you and I'm glad God gave us the grace to stick through our friendship because my life would suck without you! 

Watch for Part 3: I Am Loved