Coffee

Coffee

It deserves its own blogpost, don't you think?

I have a love-hate, bitter-sweet, half-n-half (hahaha) relationship with coffee. It gives me some very high highs and some very low lows. It's been known to make me the most loving, most friendly, most awesome person on the planet. And it's been known to make the most annoying, the most loud, the most dead person on the planet. It gives me energy or it gives me a migraine. I never quite know how my body is going to react to the caffeine. Is it worth the risk? Probably not, but it tastes so damn good.

Can we talk about the amazing coffee? My favorites? I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a huge Dunkin Donuts fan (what can I say? you can't drive 5 min. without running into one here, whereas you have to go into the cities to search for a Starbucks!)...their Pumpkin Spice lattes are *amazing*. All those cracks about girls going berserk in the fall for the pumpkin spice lattes? Well, I'm that cliche. I could drink them all year round.

Now that winter has set in, however, the peppermint mocha coffees (hot, preferably, though iced is not insane for a New Englander in the middle of the winter...it tastes amazing either way) are fabulicious.

Does this mean I have the $$ to blow every day at DD? Sadly, it doesn't. So I have to resign myself to making a cup at home. I like to brew a cup of DD's myself but lately I've been guzzling the wondrous delights of a Dark Chocolate blend that a friend sent me. Sadly, I can't remember what brand it is, but normally I find that the funky flavors aren't as good when you make them at home. This time was an exception. It is delicious!

My bestie Genny occasionally runs out to grab me a coffee and knows exactly how I love it. As she puts it, "Lotsa cream and VERY sugary." Such a girl. And it may seem like the cliche thing to be the photographer that walks around with her camera in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, but that's okay. I like being the cliche. :) There's a reason why I'm called CoffeeGirl.

Here's to many more years of a rocky relationship with coffee!

To Laugh

Do you know what I loved about my job at summer camp? Who I was.
Not to say I was someone other than me, that I had switched personalities or anything...on the contrary, I was simply me. The beauty about my job was that, it didn't matter what I wore, how how I looked...the kids still loved me. They still hung out with me, they didn't give me weird looks, they didn't expect me to look polished. All they wanted was my attention, for me to laugh at their jokes, to spin the jumprope for them, to hold hula hoop contests with them, to draw pictures with them, to talk to them, to connect with them, to be silly, to joke, to smile, to make silly faces, to laugh...

I was more me than I've ever been on any job. And the beautiful thing was, being around those children made me confident that who I am, as a person, is okay. In fact, it's more than okay...I'm great as me. These children boosted my confidence in ways that no one else could!

Tiny hands slipping into mine as they said quietly with ease, "I love you, Samantha." *heartmelt*

Strong, small arms gripped around my waist as they yell, "HUG TIME!"

Sneaky grins as they shout, "Heads up!" and throw frisbees at my head.

Bursts of giggles as they watch me demonstrate the hula dance moves we learned...very, very awkwardly.

So much patience as they taught me to hula hoop properly.

But best of all, shared laughter as we proved just how silly we could be, how silly *I* could be. The fake voices, the idiotic dances, silly songs, fish faces, and the confidence and self-esteem to pull it all off without once feeling self-conscious.

Because with my kiddos, it didn't matter. There was no feeling self-conscious with my kids. They saw me for who I was, whether or not I looked a wreck or looked awkwardly dorky. And they still loved me for it. They probably loved me all the more because of it. And instead of feeling incredibly self-conscious or embarrassed, I found myself laughing. Not really at myself or at anything in particular...just laughing because there was the love to laugh all around me.

At camp I found that life is surrounded by opportunities of laughter. When you feel like a dork, when someone does something silly, even when nothing is particularly funny but you feel a surge of happiness you just laugh.

Shyness, tears, loneliness, grumpiness...it's all taken away when you sit down next to a child and begin to talk, to share stories, to grin, make silly faces...all leading to laughter.
Those kiddos of mine showed me how wonderful it is to be me.

They taught me to laugh.

Silly Girl

My closest friends will tell you...

I am loud. I am passionate. I can be obnoxious. I am opinionated. And I am not afraid of sharing those opinions.
I can be bitchy and have my off days where I seem to make everyone angry at me.

My friends show me grace because they know I'm better than my bitchy moments. They hold me back when I'm tempted to say more than I should. They tell me when I'm crossing a line and when I really should rethink how I approach people.

But.

They also know, I take life seriously. My opinions? My loudness? My passions? Nothing is formed lightly. I think through things. Over and over and over. I am a perfectionist. I work hard and and try to perfect myself. When I see how I am wrong, I try to refocus. I may be bitchy at times but I never take serious matters lightly. While I may not always come right out and say exactly what it is I believe, I am an open book to anyone who asks me. I have nothing to hide when it comes to my beliefs, my faith, my morals. I realize that anything I write on this blog is out there for the public to see. And yes, it's made me re-think posts, it's made me hesitate. I go with my gut instinct. If I feel a hesitation, then I generally take the post back. I trust  my intuition. And if I feel I may be crossing a line, I run the posts across a best friend...several best friends sometimes.

I know some people come to my blog and see it merely as a silly girl's blog, a silly girl's pointless words, a silly girl acting all bitter toward men and promoting feminism, a silly girl shouting into the wind.

Maybe I am silly. Maybe I am shouting into the wind. But I am serious. I think hard about things, I try to understand things, and I write about things because writing is how I best express myself.
If I see something I strongly disagree with out there in the world then I do not belittle those concerns or fears. I think about them, I try to understand them, and then if I still feel strongly, I write about them.

I won't lie and say I don't care what people think about me. But the fact is...unless a person genuinely cares about me, and me about them, then I really don't care. The opinions of people who don't know me don't upset me.

I used to care, I used to form myself into a different girl for each friend, suiting my personality to each person. I wasn't myself. I am through with that and I will no longer hide when I feel strongly about something. People, if you feel something is right, then don't hide from it.

Silly, I may be, but I am not a girl. I am an adult. I am a woman. I am my own person, forming my own opinions. I am under the authority of no one but my God. I am me. Sam. I am not just a human being. I am a person. I am serious, loud, obnoxious, bitchy, concerned...and I'm done hiding it.