Your Words Mean Nothing To Us

The thing about Facebook is that you cannot escape all the people posting things in your newsfeed, and reposting them. I've seen the same video pop into my newsfeed 9 times in one day. The same kind of status pop up 3 times in a row. One on top of each other.

And I have a wide variety of friends, half of whom would post an article to say, "LOOK! This is so GREAT!" while the other half was posting it saying, "I'm so DISGUSTED!" It can be very amusing.

However, today, there popped up into my newsfeed one article that has inspired quite a few debates, and I am here to post my personal concerns and opinions and ideas about it all.

It all started on this blog of some young, Christian guy, who was writing in the form of a letter to his future, unknown wife. Read here.

I found so many issues with this letter, including:

• Girls should not be just sitting, waiting around for a Prince Charming to show up...our lives shouldn't revolve around being found by and marrying some guy!...
• I want to see the day a good-looking guy who actually acts upon his words of "it doesn't matter what you look like, you're already beautiful because God made you" by not ignoring and walking past the over-weight or acne-prone girls. 
• Girls' bodies are *not* goodies. We are not objects to be compared to a treasured or favorite car. I dress the way I dress not because I'm dressing for my future husband, but for myself. Because I am a Christian young woman I serve God and as a result of that, I respect myself and I honor Him. I dress how I feel comfortable. Simple as that. My body is my own. It is not some unknown man's. If a man struggles with how I dress, it is on his shoulders to take care of his own feelings and thoughts. I am not placed on earth to meet each individual man's struggles. 

The young man ends his letter with the following, 

"I understand I might have written this a little late, but I don’t care who you were yesterday, I care who you are today and who you will be tomorrow.  Make a change if you need to.  Let us grow together.  It is not too late.  It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how many of these items you have missed, it just matters what you are going to do now!  You are beautifully and wonderfully made by the hands of a perfect Creator, live like it!"

My question is this: if it doesn't matter, then why also say,  "I’ll say that again, your goodies are always going to be good.  But, if everyone and my mom has a look at everything you’re showing off, I’m not feeling like as much of a lucky ducky.  So please, for me, keep your goodies packaged away."

Obviously, it does matter to him.

All of this aside. Yes, yes, I mean that: all of this aside...I want to get to the main point of my post.

Guys telling us we're beautiful. It's all well and good to tell us we're beautiful and that we're made in God's image. But I'm going to tell you right now. We're not going to believe you.

The thing about beauty and telling a girl she's beautiful and a letter like this is that guys are trying to convince us we're beautiful. If you think about the One Direction song, "What Makes You Beautiful" ...movie messages, book messages...all of which there are guys singing, saying, telling us girls that we're beautiful. Guys are trying to convince us that we're beautiful and that we don't need makeup and that who we are is enough. But. We still don't believe you. 

It's not exactly your fault, guys, though I will put a tiny bit of the blame on you. Guys, you tell us we're beautiful the way we are, to not cover up in makeup, to not care about how we dress...but the thing is, there is the sting when we try to believe your words and the guys still keep walking past us. So, forgive us if we don't believe your empty words.

What I believe is the most damaging message of all in this young man's blogpost and the dozens upon dozens...hundreds, even!...of blogposts and articles that spout the exact same thing, is this: men are telling us how to be beautiful. They are telling us how to live, how to BE women that will most attract Christian, godly men. But: our worth does not come from men. No matter what men tell us, we will never be content with it. It is one thing to be told we're beautiful and another to believe it. When a guy tells us we're beautiful, it's sweet and wonderful in the moment. But that's all it is: a moment.

Girls: it is wonderful when guys tell us we're beautiful. I know that special tingly, warm feeling we get when we receive compliments. But unless we truly believe it about ourselves, we will never be content. We will always be seeking for that contentment and fighting against the emptiness of feeling inadequate and not pretty enough. It's about self-worth and self-esteem. This idea of being a princess stuck in a tower, waiting, bases our self-worth and our happiness on someone else...on a guy. But here's the catch: guys are just as human as we are. And they cannot make us happy every minute of every day. A mere guy cannot make us worthy. I've been learning exactly how much I base my self-esteem on how others esteem me. But the fact remains, that once the compliments are gone, the briefest of moments where the spotlight is on me, then I feel just as empty as I did before. This is because I don't believe in myself and I do not think of myself as worthy unless others notice me. I am learning that to embrace who I really am, to accept how I look, I have to build my self-respect. Instead of being a door-mat allowing people to walk all over me, I am learning that I am worthy of happiness and respect from others without asking for it from them, without catering toward them. Author Nathaniel Branden of Six Pillars of Self-Esteem writes, "It is the conviction that our life and well-being are worthwhile and deserving of the respect of others; and that our happiness and personal fulfillment are important enough to work for." 

I am not going to tell you how to acquire self-esteem. I can't address the issues in your lives, girls. I can only look into my own life and see where I allow a low self-esteem to drag me down. I am learning to embrace the fact that I have a tiny yet tall body which makes it difficult to dress. I am learning to love the fact that my hair is curly and has a mind of its own. I am learning that it's okay to have days where I don't like my curly hair and to tame it's wildness by straightening it to a silky smoothness. I like my hair both ways. Not because some guy told me it was pretty, not because my friends told me that I look better with my hair curly. I like it both ways because of how both ways make me feel. I wear skinny jeans that show off my butt to its best advantage, not because I want to attract guys' attention but simply because I like how it looks, how it makes me feel. I wear makeup and I love it. I like the smoother appearance of my face when I cover up blemishes. I like the way my eyes are emphasized when I throw on the tiniest bit of liner and mascara. This isn't me not accepting how I was made...it is me making the most of how I was made and feeling beautiful in who I am. I am not changing my body...I am enhancing it.  It makes me confident and happy with my body, with how I was made. It is me accepting my body shape without having anyone tell me I look good.

Self-esteem, girls, it's important. More important than sitting around, waiting for guys to come along and finally tell us we're beautiful in their eyes after having one or two or a hundred guys just walk right past us.
Every guy may not think I'm beautiful, but I am learning to be happy with who I am, and how I look because I am building my self-esteem.


Guys, I am not here to tell you to stop telling us beautiful. But I am. Confusing? Let me explain. Do, do tell us we're beautiful. But do not tell us HOW to be beautiful. Do not come to me and say, "You are beautiful as you are, with the body God gave you, you don't need to wear makeup" then proceed to swagger right past me to flirt with the prettier girls. Guys, your words mean nothing to me. It is like Eliza Doolittle of My Fair Lady says, "Show Me". Your words are empty without actions. Guys, don't tell me I'm beautiful then proceed further into your blogpost by telling me how I need to be, what I need to do, and who I should be in order to be worthy of your love and attention. I am worthy without your opinion, attention, or words.

Guys, if you want me to believe you when you say I'm beautiful, show me by respecting me, including every life decision I make, including the way I act, speak, and dress. Give me the respect I deserve as a person, by not comparing me to a car, by not treating my body as an object and labeling it as goodies. Guys, if you want me to believe you when you say I'm beautiful, don't talk down to me, don't stuff me into a box and tell me to wait for you. I am a person, not your object. I am worthy to go out into this world and do something and not make you the center of my universe. Guys, if you want me to fall for you, don't tell me that the sole purpose of my life is you. Remember this, guys, the next time you're tempted to write a letter to your future wife: your words mean nothing to us.

Women of Strength: Part 3

Women of strength in  movies is great and all, and I definitely find encouragement to be more kickass, to pursue my dreams, to live life to the fullest, to not take crap from others, to laugh off the criticism, and to never falter even when people frown. I am encouraged to stand up for what's right, even in standing up to what I believe are damaging blog posts.

We've already covered women of strength in movies...what about the strong women in real life?

I look around me and admire the women I see around me. While, yes, I have those people in my life that talk down to women, believe they're subjected to men, and should "submit" and be "controlled" by men...I also am surrounded by the encouraging, wonderful, beautiful, strong women who are forging a path, whether it be side by side with a husband or on their own. They are true to themselves, never demeaning themselves to a man's wishes. And it is so incredible to see how their lives are good, encouraging, and doing good in this world! Who are these women who have impacted our world?


Jael. Yes, I am using an example from the Bible. This woman seriously was awesome. Little is written about her but what was written is pretty cool. First of all, she is linked to a story involving another awesome woman: Deborah! Because Barak wouldn't carry out God's plans unless Deborah went him, God allowed a woman to "save the day", so to speak.  While being chased by Barak and his men, Sisera made his way to Jael's tent. There she enticed him in, gave him something to drink, and allowed him to fall asleep in her own tent. Once he was asleep, what did this woman do? She defeated him. She nailed a tent peg into his head. She conquered the enemy and God so wished it. Instead of delivering Sisera into the hand of Barak, God allowed a woman "take down" the enemy. It's amazing how "Christians" will criticize fictional women in movies for "taking down" the enemy, instead of allowing the "heroes" do the work. God allowed a woman to have the credit of taking down an enemy that was being pursued by a man. Funny how that worked out. Jael was brave and strong and defeated the enemy because she could. 

Harriet Tubman. What a woman. Raised as a slave, born to a like of submission and being controlled being owned by a man, Harriet managed to escape. Having experienced the torture of slavery, Harriet returned not once not twice to help other slaves escape but 19 times, helping hundreds of fellow slaves. As a child, she had been beaten by her masters and been injured in the head. Because of her injury, she suffered from seizures, black-outs, and headaches. In spite of that, and in spite of the fact that she faced torturous punishment, even death, as a result of helping slaves escape, she heard a calling and listened. Harriet listened to the calling for her life and it wasn't staying at home or being protected by a man. Instead this strong woman protected and saved others. She saved lives at the risk of her own. You cannot find a more encouraging and brave example of a woman.

Irena Sendler. This woman was yet another that stood strong in the face of pain and death in order to save lives. When the Warsaw ghetto was built during WWII, Irena managed to smuggle more than 2500 children out of the ghetto and relocated them with various families who hid and cared for them. Not only that, but Irena managed to keep track of each child, writing down their names and where she had them placed. She stored all their names in a jar, which she buried to find at a later time. Captured by the Nazis, Irena was tortured...her legs and arms were broken and she was beaten. In spite of this, she revealed nothing and the children she had managed to smuggle out were saved. After the war, Irena was able to help reunite the children with their families.
This woman did what it took to stop the enemy from killing the innocent. She did what needed to be done, even when tortured. She was a woman, strong and determined against the enemy. She didn't sit back and let men do the saving...she saw the opportunity to do good and did it.

Dorothea Lange. I don't think many people view Dorothea as a woman of strength but she truly was a heroine. As a photographer, Dorothea saw how damaging the Great Depression was and stepped into the streets to capture the real life among the homeless and jobless. Through her photography, the reality of the Great Depression was placed before the public and impacted society into creating a change.  This woman faced the heaviness of the Great Depression. Her photographs didn't depict happy circumstances. Instead, this woman stood strong, capturing reality as it was: hard, heart-breaking...starving families, jobless men and women, mothers desperate to feed their children...Dorothea didn't stay inside her studio, creating a living for herself. She went out into the world and faced the horrible truth that few wanted to see. She was strong in revealing the truth when the truth needed to be revealed.


Like the movie heroines I listed in my previous post, these real-life heroines faced the odds, danger, pain, even death to do what was right. They didn't sit at home, letting the burdens of the world fall to the men. They pursued what they felt they needed to do. They took down the enemy when it was in their power to do so, the chose to do what was right when it was hardest to do so. I see these women and I feel empowered, encouraged, and inspired. If these women can create a life for themselves, pursue their dreams, choose to do right even when it was hard, who is there to say I cannot do the same? Who can be against me, when I have a calling? God gave me gifts, He gave me strengths, He gave me intelligence and the power to learn. With these gifts, strengths, intelligence...with all of these powers, I have the opportunity to become a woman of strength.
I was not born to just sit around and let men save the day. I was not born to become merely a man's instrument. I was made for more. I was made to serve and worship God in everything! I have a calling and I am called to be a woman of strength. No man, no woman, no one is going to take that away from me. For who is against me, when He is for me?

Women of Strength: Part 2

There is a lot of criticism out there about the women movies depict these days. I find it rather funny...because while there are many in Christian circles that criticize them, I am excited by them. I am encouraged, I am driven to be strong myself...

My theory is this...men in some Christian circles are scared by the idea of strong women.

I'm sure I've raised quite a few eyebrows with my words yesterday...

"Boys, I don't need you."

So horribly feminist of  me! However, this isn't about being a feminist. In fact, I rather love males. I have some terribly good male friends, I love dates, I love hanging out with guys, and I desire marriage someday. Guys, this is nothing personal. Obviously, we need guys in order to keep up the human race, and they're awfully useful to have around, not to mention fun and interesting. But as I keep saying...this isn't about feminism or belittling marriage or even about belittling guys. This series of post is about strong women, and only strong women.

As I've mentioned, girls, we don't need men/boys to be strong. We don't need boys to save us if we can do it ourselves. This is why I believe women of strength in movies are needed. Shall we take a look at how and why these women are great?


Katniss Everdeen. Oh, yes, you knew she was coming. What better place to start? She's all the rage right now, due to the series being turned into movies.
Katniss is a young teenage girl, living in a time of horror. Her country is needlessly killing off her peers in order to control the people. Not wanting to get involved and intent on watching over her fatherless family, Katniss keeps her head down, careful not to draw attention. Then the day comes when her little sister's name is drawn...drawn for almost certain death.
Katniss is a woman of strength...she shows the power of sacrifice and love by taking the place of her sister. Her love for her family is so strong she is willing to do what most people would not do...she faces death.

Natasha Romanoff/The Black Widow. Why are weak women in need of being rescued so desirable in the Christian world? Because in belittling themselves, they stroke a boy's ego, they make men seem more masculine, they cause men to appear strong...when in reality, by portraying all women as weak and incapable of strength, boys merely become lazy. While, yes, boys may tend to be physically stronger than some women, it should  not be a reason for women to slack off and remain weak. Natasha Romanoff is an example of a woman who fights for good, who doesn't let men domineer over her or belittle her. She has a purpose, a belief she stands for, and she is willing to be strong and fight for it. Yes, she takes down men, she conquers evil...I'm not sure why this is viewed as a bad thing? Since when has it become wrong to take down bad guys? Natasha Romanoff kicks ass. I love her character because I see how with a strong mind and a strong will, I can defend what I believe, too. I can strengthen my own skills, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to face a world of horrible things. I can fight to defeat evil.

Amelia Pond. Amy Pond from Doctor Who demonstrates strength in incredible ways. The woman who fights tooth and nail for her husband and daughter. The girl, who although so in love with the life of traveling and helping the Doctor save the world, didn't even hesitate to stay with her husband. The woman who learned that in order to stay with him, she would have to give up everything else she loved and actually have to face her greatest fears...and yet, she chose to. She chose to give everything up, to face her fears, all to be with her husband. Her strength is something to imitate.

Sam. What? Of course I had to choose a strong female character who shares my name! ;) Sam from The Perks of Being a Wallflower is not the obvious strong woman that most people notice. She is weak in the sense that she allows guys to use her. As she and Charlie discuss...

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?
Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

Sam originally accepts the love she thinks she deserves. But because of her friendship with Charlie (oh, my goodness, here I am again actually saying something *good* about a guy!) and his influence, Sam chooses to be strong. She chooses to reject those who held her down, the guys who belittled and used her. Instead, she chooses to reject that she's not good enough. She works hard to get into college, she chooses to stop dating the wrong kind of guy, and chooses to believe in something more than the love she believed she'd deserved. Her strength in choosing to leave weakness, to be strong, is inspiring.


What is it that all these fictional movie characters have in common? They chose to be strong...they defied the odds, they defied being held down by people who would belittle them. They chose to leave weakness and become strong. This is exactly the kind of example I love to see in the movie world. It is exactly the kind of imagery we as women need to see, to be encouraged by, to practice ourselves.

We need this kind of message in a world that would tear us down. A message of: be strong and take courage.

Next time...
Women of strength meets real life...

Women of Strength: Part 1.

This morning, hanging out with my friend Amy, we were discussing a blogpost written by an uber-conservative boy, reviewing the movie The Avengers. We strongly disagreed on his take of the movie, but...you know, to each his/her own, right?

Then I read something extremely disturbing.

Speaking of the Black Widow/Romanoff (played by Scarlett Johansson), this boy, named Gabriel Hudelson, wrote:

I wanted to conquer her, to remind her that I'm a man, and she's a woman, and she can't 'take me'.**

I've grown in a circle of friends where everyone looks down on tough women.  A girl who takes down guys? Sinful. Feminist. Unchristlike. These are the words attached to these women. But what this boy has written about this character goes beyond that. The thought this boy has portrayed implies an excuse to rape.  When has Christianity come to this? Belittling women and their strength? Where boys have to "conquer" women in order to prove their masculinity...where boys are so insecure and lazy that strong women scare them.

They should be scared. Maybe it'll scare the laziness out of them.

Just because a woman is strong, doesn't mean she isn't in alignment with God or rejecting femininity. Strong female characters are what the movie world needs.

As a woman, I don't need a man to save me. I don't need, nor want, a "knight in shining armor" to save me. Boys, I don't need you. The only person who can save me is God. Beyond that? Myself. This is not a post to promote feminism (though I am very much a supporter of feminists, in the sense that I seek equal rights)...this post is about women of strength.

God created me as an individual, to be strong and gifted and able to serve Him. To rely on Him. To be strong in Him. This means, I will be strong even when boys are weak, insecure, scared, lazy...I will not belittle myself, lower myself, pretend to be weak in order to boost a boy's ego. Who I am is not defined by a boy. I, myself, and my God define who I am. I prove my worth by following the calling of God, by using my God-given gifts to worship and serve Him, not boys. 

Do you notice how I keep using the word boy? I say this because only a boy would be insecure enough to implicate rape as a means of keeping women in control.

Women are not in need of being controlled. In fact, we are in need of being raised higher, our strengths being recognized and acknowledged and encouraged. We are strong because that is how we are meant to be, there is a need for strong women because the world needs to see, to understand, that women do not need men to be a strong person.  It is not a sin to be single and strong.

This is not to belittle marriage or a strong relationship between a husband and wife, where they support and encourage and lift each other up. This post is solely about the fact that women are meant to be strong and should never pretend to be weak when they are not. All for the sake of a boy.

Be strong, girls. Take courage, take initiative...create a life for yourselves! Do not rely on boys to define you. That is not how God has created us! Be who you were created to be, be strong because that is how He meant for you to be.


Next time...
Women of strength in movies are needed...

**Full blogpost found here:
http://allauthority.blogspot.com/2012/10/review-avengers.html

Part 1: I Am Judged

I am judged.

Wherever I go, I run into people who place judgments on me. I run into people who believe it is their "duty" to bash a Bible over my head, who feel it's "right and good" to shame and guilt me...to place me inside a box and tape the lid over my head. I run into people who take it upon themselves to implicate that I am not a Christian.  That because I live my life differently, then I am in sin.

The other day, I had a friend message me to tell me I was shameful for pinning photos of girls in bikinis on my Pinterest. "Supporting girls who dress slutty like prostitutes gives people an impression of yourself."   
I am judged for photos. And for the way I dress.

I've been told it is dangerous to read certain books. I am judged for reading Harry Potter, Pride & Prejudice and Zombies, Narnia, Lord of the Rings.
I am judged for what I read.

I've been told music with any kind of beat is of the devil. And I have been told that listening to Katy Perry, Rihanna, Avril Lavigne, and other such "godless feminists" only encourages me in a life away from God.
I am judged for the music I listen to.

I've been told I will no longer be pure if I use "swears" such as "hell" and "shit" and "damn".
I am judged for words.

I've been told that to watch a movie with a PG-13 or higher rating means that I am filling my life with filth.
I am judged for what I watch.

I receive emails, letters, private messages from girls (and guys) telling me that I appear "too blunt", "as a feminist", "too out-spoken". As a woman, I am supposed to be soft-spoken, demure, quiet, and just keep my mouth shut.
I am judged for who I am.

I have been told I live a legalistic life...I've been told I'm much too liberal, that I am not living my life according to God's way. I have been told out-right I am in sin, I have been told underhandedly that I need to rethink my life.
I am judged for what I believe.

That is what life is...

I have gone through my life feeling like I don't fit in, that I SHOULD fit in. As a teen, I felt like my very nature was all wrong. I felt that I was too loud, too obnoxious, too opinionated...and that people didn't like it. So I gave in, I tried to fit myself into other people's boxes. I tried to be quiet, and keep my mouth shut, and reject what I truly believed. I tried because I was a people pleaser. But it never stuck. Always, my true personality would make it's way out...I am not a quiet person when it comes to stating my opinion, and I am very opinionated. And when I believe something, I believe it hard.

I am told I'm not spiritual enough. My spiritual walk is just that. Mine. It is special, it is unique, it is personal. It is mine. What I discuss with God, what He says to me...it is treasured. And I don't need to share everything with the world. I've had people tell me to read certain Bible verses, listen to certain sermons, certain songs, read certain books...all because they doubt my Christianity, doubt that I am strong in my faith.

It is hard. And it wears me down.  My sister told me, "Right now, I think you need to be loud, but it does have a downside. You attract the judgers as well as people who agree." 

"Friends"...those of you who judge me, I have something I want to share with you.

I love God with my whole heart. Just because I listen to certain music, read certain books, watch certain movies, say certain words, believe certain things...just because I am different from you, doesn't mean God loves me less. 

I want you to know, I am not easily swayed. When I believe something, it is because I considered it long and hard. God is very much present in my life decisions.

I want you to remember...I am human. Yes, I fail in my walk with God. Yes, I mess up. But I am only human. Words and actions and judgments still hurt. You have no right to try to change me. It is not your place. I know I can fail and judge others too. I am guilty of it myself. But I want to share with you the quote that I constantly remind myself.

"When I think of my own failings, it allows me to look at others with tolerance and acceptance and forgiveness." 

I am not asking you to agree with me on my lifestyle or the choices I make. I am asking, if you are trying to be a true friend, put forth tolerance and acceptance. And I will extend you the same courtesy. In fact, I will try to extend the same courtesy even though you don't extend the same to me.

I know I will always be judged. It's what happens when someone publicly says or does anything differently. I expect it. But today I want to encourage tolerance and acceptance. I want to encourage grace.

I am judged but it's not going to change me.  I am who God made me to be.  I am where He wants me to be.  I am working on the woman He created me to be.  And I have accepted that.  Can you?




Watch for Part 2: I Am Accepted

Create a Life

I recently got into a discussion about single young women. And one girl said something that stuck out particularly to me.

"We need a life to share with someone else instead of waiting for a guy to come along with all the put-togetherness."

How true is this? I come from a conservative background where books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and When God Writes Your Love Story and Boy Meets Girl, as well as the ideals of courtship were promoted. I had friends who preached the necessity of a girl living at home until she was married and the evils of working outside as a single girl.

To this day, in conservative circles, the idea that a girl should stay at home and assist her father and brothers in pursuing their dreams is heavily pushed upon every young woman. I reject these ideas because this implies that God has created robot women, each one exactly alike with the same exact talents and gifts to be used in the same exact way. I believe in a God that created individuals not just genders or gender roles.

That having been said, I believe in creating a life for myself, based on the calling God has for me. If a girl sits around doing nothing with her life while waiting for a man who may never show, then she has wasted a perfectly good life. If a girl was meant to wait for a man to begin her life, then why wasn't she born the day of her wedding? The fact is, a man doesn't need to put together a life for himself AND then create a life for the girl he loves in order for him to marry her.  A girl doesn't need a man to create a life for her. She has the tools and gifts to do so for herself right at her fingertips. If a man cannot fit into the life that a woman has built for herself according to the calling God has led her on, then he is not. worth. it. A woman needs a man whose life is compatible with her own. God didn't create us to place man, a husband, as the center of our lives. He didn't create us to place a man and his life above all else, above the gifts and calling God has given to us individually. And while some say that this can fit into the form of a housewife and homemaker and mother, it doesn't always. Some women aren't called to that life.

Waiting to build a life around a husband is a waste. It is creating an idol out of  a husband. We can have absolutely marvelous lives if we'd only stop sitting around, waiting for a man who could possibly never show up on our doorsteps. I am an individual, a woman called to do something with her life. And if a man wants to enter this life, he has to be compatible with it, just as my life needs to be compatible with his. And in this way, I am not wasting my life away nor am I obsessing over an idol of a man, a husband.

If we create a life for ourselves, this does not mean that all men will be scared away nor that there won't be any room for a husband. Yes, perhaps it won't work out with the lives of a lot of men, but as Amy March said, "You don't need scores of suitors. You only need one. If he's the right one." Create a life that you're called to create...a life you can share not give up.