Only Human

I covered it's been hard for me to embrace who I really am. In fact, I think I should admit that I still have no bloody idea who I am exactly. I'm attempting to discover myself, the person, the girl I am deep underneath the layers and layers of nature and nurturing I've acquired over the years of my life. Asking the questions, 

"Is this really me? Or is it a remnant of who they wanted me to be?" 

"Do I really think like this, or is this left-over from the fake me?" 

"What *is* my style?" 

"What do I think genuinely about this?" 

I find myself wondering who the hell I really am. I attempt to extend myself grace as I learn the little things about myself. I attempt (and fail) to love myself. As I ask these questions, however, I sometimes forget that this self-discovery is just not that: self-discovery. It is more. It is the discovery of who I am to the world as well. It is the discovery of who I am to other people while finding myself.

Am I the girl who loves herself only to forget to extend that love to others? Or does it make me more susceptible to extend grace and love? I find myself struggling to take in grace and to give it.

I am harsh with myself, loathing of all the negative qualities that seem to consume my life. But not

only that but I am also not as giving as I could be when it comes to others and the negativity I face 

from them. 

I think of my best friend and the qualities about her very self that tend to rub me the wrong way. There's nothing wrong persay with what she does, but it annoys me and as a result I look at these actions as offensive, my sensitive mind glaring at her because she's late and I'm early, she's stubborn in the moments

where I am not and I am stubborn where she is not. You'd think we balance each other out quite nicely, and we do. Normally I just smile and roll my eyes because we are best friends and that's just what best friends do. We irritate each other. 

However there are the days where I am just not easily amused and want to speak harshly.

And while I don't, because I'd feel much too guilty to say anything, I do tend to lock these feelings up inside, harboring them. What good is there in harboring feelings? When, one day, I was faced with a sudden realization that I was the one being completely unreasonable and selfish in my expectations of those who surround me in life. 

I was reading John Green's Paper Towns. And a friend of the main character says to him: 

“You know your problem, Quentin? You keep expecting people not to be themselves. I mean, I could hate you for being massively unpunctual and for never being interested in anything other than Margo Roth Spiegelman, and for, like, never asking me about how it's going with my girlfriend - but I don't give a shit, man, because you're you. My parents have a shit ton of black Santas, but that's okay. They're them. I'm too obsessed with a reference website to answer my phone sometimes when my friends call, or my girlfriend. That's okay, too. That's me. You like me anyway. And I like you. You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually.” 

This is my problem. I keep expecting people to not be themselves.

How can I expect the world to accept me, the real me when I am unable to accept others for who they are? 

Real acceptance isn't about embracing the likable parts. It isn't about accepting the bits we like about each other. It is about accepting each other as wholes. Not a part of me, not a part of you, not halves, not pieces: all of each other. Taking the good with the bad, extending grace to one another for the screw-ups, showing forgiveness for the hurts, acting kindness for the mistakes, and above all being loving through the moments when we least feel like it. 

I have written on my hand, "Only Human", because I am that obnoxious girl who writes on her hands.

But also because it is the reminder I needed this week. The reminder that I am only human not only as I struggle to find and understand myself, but also as I learn to grow and live with those around me. I want to remember that not only am I human, but so is the rest of the world. I do not live in a bubble, I do not live alone, nor do I want to be alone. And because of this fact, I want to remember that those around me?
They are only human too.

Books

It's amazing how overwhelmed I feel with the variety of things I could do in my spare time, now that the semester is over.

Should I try a new recipe? Should I deep-clean my room? Sort my books? Watch a movie? Knit? Read?
I actually have the time to read!

As always, I have an enormous stack to read, too. So what is there in my stack to read? Quite a bit. The photo above is merely one of the stacks I have lined up. I was very tempted to try the whole Project 52, where you read a book per week throughout the year. However, I know that realistically it's impossible for me to read a book in a week what with everything else I want to accomplish and do this year. Instead, I'm going to just be lax where reading is concerned and make a point of trying to read as often as I can.

So what exactly do I have coming up? A lot of Young Adult novels, apparently. I never quite realize how often I frequent the Young Adult section at the library until I stack all the books together at home and the red YA stickers stick out.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling is a re-read. It is a well-written, interesting children's book. And I just felt like re-reading it. That's my excuse. ;)

I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Brene Brown was a bday gift and recommendation from my older sister. The only piece of non-fiction in my pile, currently, it is *fascinating* and thought-provoking. A book about how "We spend too much precious time and energy managing perception and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world..." A book abut how imperfections are okay, no one is perfect, and being vulnerable is not a weakness. Really good stuff here, people!

Demonglass - by Rachel Hawkins is the 2nd in the Hex Hall series. Tale of a girl, who thought she was a witch when she was sent to Hex Hall, a reform school for witches, fairies, werewolves, and other mythical creatures. There she discovers she's in fact a demon and her crush is working for a group set out to wipe out all of her kind. Interesting yet not quite as well-written as I'd like. A bit too predictable, Sophie feels like a bit of a whiner to me. ;)

Rose Under Fire by Elizabeth Wein is the sequel to Code Name Verity. I am in awe of Elizabeth Wein's writing style with its depth and intrigue. I am excited to crack this book open and it will balance nicely amongst all the fluff I have in this stack without feeling like a chore.

A Brief History of Montmaray by Michelle Cooper is the first book in a series. In journal format, we discover the world of Sophie, member of the royal family on the tiny island of Montmaray just before the outbreak of WWII. I do love a good journal-format novel and Sophie is relateable while her little sister is hilarious and her cousin is fascinating.

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins is yet another re-read. Seeing the film Catching Fire called for a re-read of the entire series. I feel like every time I read this series, I learn something new and I relate so much more to Katniss.

Etiquette and Espionage by Gail Carriger was a recommendation from my co-worker, the Young Adult librarian at work. Apparently it is a novel about a teen girl sent to a very unusual finishing school.

The 5th Wave by Rick Yancey was a recommendation from a patron, a mom who has pretty good taste in novels. I'll admit I groaned a little bit when the library added this to their collection...there has been no end of dystopian and post-apocalyptic young adult novels since The Hunger Games, but I've become more willing to try this particular one since it was recommended by this particular patron. Here's hoping to some good reading success!

What about you, blog followers? What have you been reading and what do you recommend?