Living Life...

One could always come up with some perfectly adequate excuses for not having kept up with blogging...
one could say, "I've been swamped at work..."
one could say, "I've been dealing with family stuff..."
one could say, "I've been in the hospital. Dying."
one could say, "An alligator bit off my right hand..."
one could say, "I lost the password to my blog..."

Wait, let's go back to the alligator one. It's much more interesting. But if we're going to be completely honest with each other, I've simply been lazy. I really have no legitimate excuse, as I work part-time and have plenty of time to keep up with updating my blog.

Would some photos make up for the absence of newsiness? Yes? Okay, let's start with the prettiness.

In spite of the laziness of my life, I've filled my time with the little things of life that keep you occupied. Nothing particularly worth while to creating change in the world but little things that make your heart happy, boost your esteem, and fill your soul with vanilla-pudding kind of peace. (Smooth and creamy...now I'm hungry.)

Those little moments that we so often just glide by without even a second glance. Little moments of magic, moments that if we just stop long enough to capture with a capture, we'll see just how beautiful they are. This is my life at the moment...because in spite of going crazy with no school and only a part-time job to keep me occupied, I am also distracted by the little, good moments.

I'm taken back in time with the dance of a pen in my hand as it begins a letter with, "Dear Rose..." and the up and down loops of f's and g's and y's in my cursive. It's an old and well-loved motion, a piece of my life on a piece of paper. Enclosed in its envelope home, it'll fly it's merry way across waters to reach it's new destination. Magic. 

There's the moments where you come home and you hesitate over a book or a movie. But then your soul decides it needs some uplifting...no, it needs some spilling. And you let it pour out of you as music floods your soul and words drift onto the page of your journal. Sometimes it means exclamation points, italics as only a very Emily Starr soul can understand, and sometimes it means words all in caps and illustrations and word circles. Sometimes it means an EXPLOSION of words. From the comfort of your bed, from the vividness of your mind...you treat your soul to word therapy and you realize what this is. Magic. 

There are mornings when you drown yourself in cup after cup of tea, and you let yourself sink into the energy that flies from your fingertips. The snap of the shutter, the whir of the photos uploading onto your laptop. The excited breathing as you click through each photo, looking for the gem you made through a lens.
The excitement of multitasking as your fingers quickly ease over the keys, editing each photo, tweaking it just a skosh (Skosh: a form of measurement) to perfection, and figuring out your schedule. Making your photos while you cross each day that has slipped by, realizing you've not even come close to capturing enough of the moments in your life as each day goes hopping by. Magic. 

I may give in to my laziness of avoiding posting on my blog, but this doesn't mean I'm just letting my life slip by unnoticed or unappreciated. I am filled with love for these beautiful moments that I'm too lazy to always capture on my blog. Mugs of coffee, cups of tea, random photo shoots, music blaring, journal-, letter-, and novel-writing, spontaneous dance and tea parties with little sisters, movie nights with besties...I am living life and I am loving all these little moments of magic. 

Photography Journey: Part 4

Photography Journey: 2008-2014

2008:

2008: one of the first photos I ever took with my new camera. 

2008: Portraits were fun!

2008: Juji as a baby was a popular subject.


2009

2009: blurry is artsy!

2009: New Hampshire is just naturally beautiful!

2010:

2010: One of my first gigs: shooting my cousin's Senior Portraits!

2010: Another Senior Portrait session!

2011:

2011: Engagements were awesome fun to shoot!

2011: A lil bokeh, a heart...how cliche can I get? 

2012:

2012: Balloons! This was the year all about COLOR!

2012: Have I mentioned how much I *love* engagements?

2012: Piano & color, two of my fallbacks for school assignments!

2012: The portrait that won me Best of Category in the Spring Exhibit!

2013:

2013: Engagement Ring

2013: Freedom From Fear - a school project.

2013: Freedom of Worship - a school project.

2013: Books are magical

2014:

2014: Self-portrait

2014: Tea cups are my thing.

I kinda chuckle as I look back over the years and see how my photography was so horrible when I first started out. But then I also smile and feel a sense of accomplishment as I see how far I've come as well.
It's been one hell of a journey and I've grown! I love that. I love the looking back and seeing how
I've changed and how my photography has changed. I love seeing my techniques expand and

change as the years go by. It's only been 6 years (only??) but I'm excited to see where my 

photography takes me in the next 6 years. 

Photography Journey: Part 2

2011: Boston. Shadows were intriguing!

I was very lazy and had no idea what a photography business entailed when I so proudly (and stupidly) announced I was going to run my own photography business. Sure, I had some photo shoots...a couple of them even paid! But they weren't polished, they were for "fun" and I made no effort to build my business. I never networked, I never bought studio equipment or went out looking for work...I just assumed it'd come to me. And the more I waited, doing nothing, the more nothing happened. I fooled myself thinking that shooting my friends was "building up my porfolio" and would help bring in business. I think if I could go back, I'd pat myself on the head.

It was a friend of mine who changed my mind. He was always talking to me about school, pushing and encouraging me to go. And in the end, I did decide to go, all because of the advice of this friend. Through his eyes, I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere and school would help me get somewhere. Even if it didn't help me with the photography, it'd be something to do while waiting for my business to get up and running. Plus, if I wanted my own business, I should probably know a little more about the business side of things.

I remember the day I told my parents I was going...and I remember asking my dad, "What do you think about me going?" I can't remember his exact reply but he told me I had his support but that he and mom were worried that school would change me. I assured him quite confidently that it wouldn't. What is it about being 20 and being so sure of the world?

2011: Oh selfies. And oh, what lighting. 

That same morning, as I was talking of school plans, my friend...the same one who encouraged me to go to school...died. I've talked about my friend's death on here before, hinting at the depression that I struggled with. And I only bring it up again because of the impact it had when I began school and because it was partially because of this friend that I am where I am today, that I am who I am today. 

2011: "Twins" assignment for class. 

The day I went into school to meet with an adviser and set up classes is very memorable for me. After a little mix-up about who was supposed to sit down with me, I finally got a meeting with the man who would become my photography professor. I'd already decided that if I were going to school then I wouldn't leave without a degree, even if that meant I had to major in Business since there was no degree in Photography. After discussing things, however, I discovered that the school was just beginning to offer a photography program where one could earn an Associates degree in photography, rather than just a certificate. Eagerly, I signed up for the first 5 classes listed. "Intro to Mass Media", "English 101", Math, Intro to Photography, and "Designing Business Graphics".

It was a hell of a semester. I had no idea what I was getting into. 5 classes was overwhelming and a heavy load on top of everything in my life. I came home from my first day of classes, called up a friend and burst into tears, bawling that I just couldn't do it. It was the attitude I had all semester long, under the pressure, I was just a basket case. Half-way through the semester, I remember feeling like I was a complete failure and always tired...school, depression...it was hard. My parents suggested perhaps I should drop out and go back to school at a later time. I refused, unable to bear the idea of going back to school and going through it all again. I plugged on and felt relief when the semester was over. In a way, my first semester was the most difficult but I survived.

I just didn't realize how long and hard the rest of school would be, as well as fun and memorable. 

Photography Journey: Part 1

2008

I remember the day I got into photography...I was 18, bored, and it was a rainy day. I picked up my mom's little Canon point&shoot camera and walked around the house with it. I just looked for anything "interesting" (I seriously question my idea of interesting!) and shot anything and everything.
I shot a photo of one of the little girls holding...a bouncy ball. Yeah. A pink and white stripedy bouncy ball. It was as lame as it sounds. My composition was all about dead-centering everything and never knowing when to zoom in or NOT to zoom in!, lighting was provided by on-camera flash (aaaah the red eye days!), and I had no idea what the hell exposure, white balance, ISO, and all that "mumbo-jumbo" meant! Auto was my tool. Heaven forbid!  But I loved it. So much that I bought my beloved Booth, a Canon Rebel, who will be turning 6 in April.

2008: Raindrops didn't need to be in focus: artsy!

As before, I shot on auto, no idea what I was doing, but I was happy doing it. Raindrops on leaves was an especial favorite. Doesn't matter if they were in focus or not...blurry just meant artsy, right? (Hahahahahahahaha).

I decided I wanted to take photography lessons, because I finally discovered that my Canon Rebel did not only have an Auto function but, believe it or not!, it also had a manual function where some interesting words like exposure and lighting and f-stop were a true photographer's second language. It was like being in a club and I wanted to be in that club. I looked into taking private lessons from a photographer, even emailing him about what he charged and how such a lesson would occur. The parents vetoed my taking lessons alone with a guy, so I turned to the internet. I managed to find a photography course and paid $90 for the class. 

2009: Rule of Thirds? I really wasn't as clever as I thought.

I think I completed...3? lessons worth before I discovered how rubbish it all was. So I went back to just snapping photos as I liked em. I even discovered the "non-flash" function and how it sometimes worked better than flash! Oh and placing the subject of my photo in other "sections" of the photo instead of dead-center? I thought I was so clever and unique to compose differently.

As I grew older, I realized that reality was drawing nearer and the fact that I would have to eventually support myself was finally dawning. Marriage wasn't happening any time soon...so what better solution than to start my own photography business??

2010: I realized I loved photography!

My first real photography "gig" was my older brother's engagement photos. With my mom as a "partner", I shot photos of my brother and his fiancee in the lovely town of Amherst. I shot and shot, taking hundreds of photos (did I mention, I just snapped and snapped and snapped without stopping? It seemed much more professional to me if you could hear the shutter repeatedly clicking!), and the more I clicked, the more excited I became. I LOVED shooting. I loved the interaction, the posing, the capturing of so many pretty photos. This shoot was the first time I realized that photography was definitely what I wanted to pursue in my life. It was the first time I felt passion, the first time I loved doing something.

After that, I tried to fill my days with photo shoots, a mixture of senior portraits and engagement photos amongst my friends and family. I told everyone I was going to start my own business. I was warned that in order to succeed, I should probably go to school, but laughed and shook my naive little head. Why go to school when I could just start a business on my own? Why spend all that money and leave my comfort zone to just take some stupid classes? I thought I knew everything at 20. 

2010: I thought I knew everything.

I'm Not a Sad Story

I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll become somebody's Mom or Dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening...I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. 

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

I've had moments in my life where I feel sorry for myself, feeling lost and alone and wondering why I'm always a victim. Is it because I choose to be a victim? Is it because I was a victim and it's hard to shake that mentality off?

I've gone through a lot in my life. I'm not special or especially unique in that I'm alone in pain. I have baggage like everyone else, prying my fingers one by one off the handles.

I flip through the pages of my journals from over the years. The words: lost, alone, scared, exhausted, worthless, fear...sad stand out from the pages. If I get too close to the pages, all I can see is the struggles and I can fool myself into thinking that my life is a sad story.

If I step back from the pages, remove my magnifying glass perception and see the journals stacked, one on top of each other as tall as a tower, and examine them as a whole, I see a live story.

My story isn't sad. It holds sad moments, a lot of sad moments, but that's a page or two or a hundred in a complete story. If I step forward again, examining the separate pages of my journals, this time the word: full, joy, peace, forgiveness, love, brave, strength...happy also grace the pages.

I've stood in front of these books, filled with moments and I wonder at them. These moments are happening, they are live and real. When I touch these journals, I touch moments...the feeling of emotions flowing through me, the tears and the laughter, and I stand in wonder of my story.

This one moment when you realize you're not a sad story. You are alive. 

2013: Looking Back

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before? 
I worked at a summer camp & fell in love with working with kids like I've never done before. It made me rethink my life goals. 

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not sure if I actually made any New Year's resolutions...I'm sure if I did that I didn't fulfill them so much. I'm terrible at keeping resolutions. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not in 2013 but someone will be in 2014! I'm to be an aunt for the first time! 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God. 

5. What countries did you visit?
Sadly none. I think the only times I left the state were to hit the beach in Maine and to visit friends in Connecticut. 

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked this year?
Less anxiety/stress more happiness. More love for myself and others, more of everything. I hope for a much fuller year. 

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Many unpleasant ones but also December 19th, the day I finished my last exam for my Associates degree. And April 25th, the day I won Best of Photography at school! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finishing my Associates degree! The first life-changing step I took began in fall 2011 and was completed winter 2013. I survived!

9. What was your biggest failure?

Viewing myself as a failure too many times to count, giving in to my anxiety. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

The usual migraines, colds...two colds one on top of each other during a school semester? May we never have to relive!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new laptop! Such a blessing to finally be able to edit photos without the laptop crashing every hour or so! 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Genevieve & Amy, my two best friends, and Krista, my big sis. They love me still, after all this time. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many people for my own good. ;) 

14. Where did most of your money go?
Gas and school! 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My summer job, learning I'm going to be an aunt!, winning Best of Photography in the Spring Exhibit at school!, graduating! 

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

Just one? My life is full of songs, reminding me of moments, months, seasons, moods, emotions! There's not just one! However, Lana Del Rey's "Young and Beautiful", Frozen's "Let It Go", and Gym Class Heroes "There Goes a Fighter" all stick out in my memory. It's been a good year of music. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a). Both, b). Same as last year. c). richer, only the slightest bit and only because I don't have to pay for another semester quite yet. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I had written more, finished my novel. I wish I had done more, been more of a person, loved life more, been more daring!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying. 

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Relaxing on the couch, hanging with the kids, watching Veronica Mars, and eating yummy foodses. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
I fell in love with who I am. Wait, you mean love-love? ;) No, and I'm okay with that. 

22. What concerts did you attend this year?
None...not a concert person really. 

23. What was your favorite TV program?
It's been a good year for tv! Doctor Who, Community, Downton Abbey, Pretty Little Liars, Parks and Recreation, Supernatural...

24. Do you dislike anyone now whom you didn't dislike this time last year?
Oh, yes, sadly. 

25. What was the best book you read?

The Book Thief, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Just One Day...three books etched in my brain.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lana Del Rey...really the only new discovery I made...

27. What did you want and get?
My degree ;) , a job I loved, a new laptop, headphones...

28. What did you want and not get?

My own car

29. What was your favorite film of 2013?

Without a doubt, utterly and completely, Catching Fire. Best film I've seen in a LONG time. Followed closely by Frozen.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24 and spent the day at school and work, celebrating by eating pie with the fam in the evening. It was just another day in my life. Nothing exciting. 

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More strength. 

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

Skinny jeans, sweaters/hoodies, & boots for fall/winter and shorts, tshirts, & flipflops for spring/summer. Total casual. 

33. What kept you sane?
Linda, Krista, Amy, Gen, music, writing. 

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Jensen Ackles. Oooh la la, hotties. 

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I find political issues to be more annoying and usually a waste of energy to debate with others, so I keep my opinions to myself unless someone asks. 

36. Who did you miss?
Amy. Too many months of being apart. 

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Kathleen. :) The Katniss to my Rue, the very definition of "kindred spirit". 

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
It's okay to be imperfect, it's okay to screw up, it's okay to love yourself. 

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I've tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

365

Day 323:
Light through a bottle

Day 324:
This is what happens when I pack boxes...

Day 325:
Unicorns! Squee!

Day 326:
I look like a frikkin cyberman.
"You are incompatible, you must be deleted."

Day 327:
Sam: What do you think about this pic of you?
Juji: It's good. And creepy. Like really creepy. But good too.

Day 328:
This is what we think of each other

Day 329:
I have two hearts. That makes me the Doctor, right?

Day 330:
Missing a friend, starting a trend

Day 331:
Every. frikkin. morning.

Day 332:
Happy 1st night of Hanukkah!

Day 333:
Happy freaking Thanksgivingkah from us!

Day 334:
Sunset lighting and window reflection

Day 335:
Twinkle lights are up!

Day 336:
Behind the scenes of a photo shoot!

Day 337:
Wicked.

Day 338:
Results of above said photo shoot

Day 339:
I ride to school in comfort. Btw, Catching Fire was an AMAZING film.
Best film of the year for me! Saw it twice so far...hope to make it a third time!

Day 340:
Just chilling with coffee on a rocking chair in a packed up temporary library space!

Day 341:
Hello there new children's room!

Day 342:
Love this movie to pieces. Can we just say how wicked cute Josh Hartnett is??

Day 343:
C. S. Lewis

Day 344:
Children's books on the new children's room book shelves! Making progress!

Day 345:
My classmate Jon printed some of my photos for me!

Day 346:
If I don't dream about finals tonight, it'll be about these damn red boxes.