S'all good...

Warm weather means one very important thing: working out.

I've restarted doing the couch to 5K plan and I am amazed at my mindset this year. While last year I would have to drag myself out of bed each morning, completely unwillingly...some mornings I'd just skip it...and while running, I constantly battled negative thoughts about how I couldn't make the mark or how horrible I was at it.

This year, I get up each morning I'm supposed to run, and I make myself do it. And as I run, I am filled with a totally different voice. This year it is all, "You can do this. You can even push a little farther than today's goal. Just do a little more, a little more..." And funniest thing of all, I find myself actually craving to go running on my "rest" days instead of just every other day. It's as if my body is craving the endorphins...and that beautiful feeling of becoming stronger each day and knowing that I *can* do this.

After I got off work today, I dragged my running shoes back on to meet my doll-face Gen-Gen for some walking.
"I don't want to do this," I grumbled. I thought of the car drive there, the walking, and the drive home and just wanted to be lazy. (Sorry, Gen.)

But once my shoes were on, my music blaring in the car, with the windows rolled down, and wind blowing in, I had to admit...it was good.

waiting for slow-poke gen-gen

I walked nearly 3 miles with my girly as we talked and spilled our guts to each other, ranging from deep conversation on life and our purposes to grumblings about periods and lack of cute guys in our lives. And it was good. Good for the mind and the soul, to connect to someone who feels as I do, who sees the world through a similar yet different perspective.

I stumbled on a rock down one hill and twisted my ankle, having to come to a complete stop until the jarring pain minimized. (Then nearly choked on a gulp of water when the girly made me laugh. We seriously are awkward.) 
Now here I am icing my ankle, praying it's not bad and that it'll be fine to go running on Friday. Because running...it has been good for me. So we're hoping it's all good so that I can be good to run good to feel good. S'all good.

Real

Lately, I have been having the most overwhelming amount of flashbacks to 17-year-old me. And a lot of what I remember makes me cringe and shudder. And sad. 

I was 17 and thought I had to be perfect. I had to be the perfect girl, who lived at home and "waited" for the perfect guy. 

Today when I look back, all I see is a girl who tried to squeeze herself into a box that was the wrong size. I squelched my personality to please each individual friend. I said what was proper, regardless if I truly believed it. I smiled when inwardly I felt sad. I swallowed feelings of anger and heartbreak when a "friend" turned her back on me, because the perfect friend never gave up, never became angry. I stayed at home, stomping on the desire to be someone else. I couldn't be anyone else. I had to be perfect. The idea of leaving, doing something differently, going to school...it was terrifying. And I fooled myself into believing that that's not what God had planned for my life. No. His plan was for me to be the perfect girl who waited for the perfect guy so that we could have a perfect wedding, a perfect life, then a perfect family. It would all be perfect. That's what I told myself. But I wasn't perfect. I told myself lies because I was lazy, but mostly because I was scared. I was scared of being real. I was scared of embracing who I really was, scared of admitting what I really wanted, scared of embracing the real desires God had implanted in me. Scared to use the talents He had given me. 

I remember growing up, hearing, "We need to be perfect as Jesus was perfect".  What I failed to understand was that my definition of perfect was different than what God expects of me. The idea I had in my head of "perfection" denied the very person I really was. It was a legalistic idea that had been created by fear and laziness and selfishness. In my pursuit of perfection, I became fake. I denied emotions, hid from dreams, stomped on talents, ignored wonderful opportunities, and wasted precious time. I remember the day perfectly when I wrote in my journal, I feel all wrong and just want to cry but I won't. I don't know what's wrong but I feel awful. God, please just make me happy. For real happy. 

I wasn't happy because I wasn't real. I'm no longer 17 and no longer obsessed with the idea of perfection I had somehow become fixated on. I no longer fight the right to feel emotions, I no longer squelch my talents, or try to make myself happy with what I thought I *should* be called to do. Today I strive to be the best version of me that I can be. I am not perfect, I fail every day...but every day, I try.  In writing my current novel, I found myself re-reading the words I had written: 

"I tried and it was never enough."
"You tried and that will always be enough."
- I Am Real

I fail every day, but the beautiful thing is, every morning I get up and I try again. I'm not trying to be perfect in a way that denies who God made me to be. I am trying to be me, trying to be real. 
And I love it.

Day128:

He's such a tourist.

Day 129:

There's the cat again! It was under the bell!

Day 130:

Whaaaaaaaa?

Day 131: 

Truth

Day 132:

Good read

Day 133: 

Running...chilly but sunny morning

Day 134: 

Happy Birthday

Day 135: 

Bringing the sunshine into work.

Day 136:

Love my bestie 

Day 137:

This made my day. Made my semester. 

Day 138: 

American coffee in an English mug

Day 139: 

haha!

Day 140:

I have many talents.
Jon says this is not necessarily a good thing.

Day 141:

It'll happen.

Day 142:

Some people call it bird food. I call it breakfast.

Day 143: 

This is what happens when you forget to take a photo til the last minute. 

Guest Post

Guest Post from Amy

Greetings,

Jesus said through James, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..." 

We took this to heart and Yesu Asobola Ministries was born.

Yesu Asobola is a ministry whose goal is bringing hope to the children of Uganda through care, education and Christ.

Yesu Asobola means this: Jesus is Able. 

We believe this with our whole hearts.

Yesu Asobola is a Community Based Organization located 20 minutes outside of Soroti, Uganda in a village called .

This remote village has hundreds of children who are unable to attend school and many who are orphaned by HIV/AIDS and displaced because of the war (LRA). There are elderly grandmothers caring for 12 orphans with no income, and young teen girls who care for multiple siblings. There are children who have been abused by their stepmother's so severely that they have had to run away - at a young age - or have become handicapped. Some of these children live in the bush. We met one little boy who wanders the street - his teeth are rotted and he tells people he goes to school but he doesn't. These children are hopeless and in need. (Please check out our website - yesuasobola.org for pictures and stories of theses children).

Our vision of opening a school (primary and trade, with an orphanage for the estimated 200-400 orphaned and needy children of a village located in the Soroti District of Uganda) grew as we sat outside talking about the great need- then we found out there was already land being provided for this very purpose by a generous donor. We couldn't turn our faces away.

We will be starting a Christian school, which will act as a home for the orphans and a day school for the needy children of the community. We will offer primary education through grade 7, Bible, dance, and music classes- as well as farming. For the older children who do not wish to go through primary education, but wish for a future in which they can provide for themselves, we will offer 6 month trade skill programs. We will also sponsor older children to attend high school if they wish to continue their education. Our hopes are to eventually be able to provide a medical clinic and church that will be open to the community, as well as parenting and health education for the parents. We hope to hire widows in the area to care for the children in the orphanage, as well as good teachers to teach them. 

There are many ways you can help.

We have approximately $300,000 to raise by August. It's a lot. We know that- but through Him all things are possible!

We are asking you to do one simple thing - Go to our website at yesuasobola.org and donate $10 - just $10! 

In this small way you can help us reach the estimated 400 orphans in Soroti, Uganda! FOUR HUNDRED children who we have an opportunity to serve. 

Most importantly we need all the prayer we can get! You can be a part of this incredible ministry the Lord has begun! 

In Christ,

Amy Patterson & Kristianna Puckett

Co-directors

yesuasobola.org

facebook.com/yesuasobolaministries

yesuasobola@yahoo.com

Guest Post

A huge thank you to my friend, Amy, for the following guest post that she wrote on friends. You can find her own blog here: http://quitenormalormaybenot.blogspot.com/



True friends are beautiful things, and are a rare breed of people. Anyone can find a friend - maybe even someone they would call a "best friend" and yet, a true friend is hard to find. A true friend is someone who is there for you - even if they can't be right next to you they keep in contact, listen, pray, give advice, and give or send a hug. They are good listeners, they share, they tell and keep secrets, they know that "love covers over a multitude of sins" so they forgive. They are open about their feelings, they sometimes can be tough but always in love, they are loyal, they stick up for you and believe in you even when no one else does. They can laugh and cry with you all in the same conversation, and you never feel like they are going to dump you as a friend - because they aren't. They are there forever.

The qualities of a true friend remind me of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a which talk about love - 

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
Of course, Jesus is our ultimate true friend, and human true friends aren't perfect and make mistakes themselves, but I believe God gave certain people the gift of how to be a true friend - a friend after Jesus' own heart. A friend who has this gift is one to cherish and love back.

I, personally, have been blessed with several really true and best friends in my life. Each are so different and unique which just shows how God makes each person so different and amazing. One of these friends is there whenever I need to get out of the house, share an ice cream, have fun, rant, laugh, have a random movie night or go to a new movie together, or just text and see how each other's days are going. Another one of these friends is where I go to when I need to get away for a couple days and just talk, have heart to hearts, watch sappy movies, rant, or just be there for each other. My other friend shares my love of travel and mission work, when we talk she is encouraging and always knows just what to say, we rarely see each other but when we do we have so much to tell each other and we always walk away feeling encouraged and loved.

If you are lucky enough to have a true friend, or maybe several, like I am don't ever take them for granted - they are hard to find. Don't forget to be a true friend back to them, because chances are they need one just as much as you do.

Books

Ever since the semester ended, I've been going a lil book-crazy. I've currently managed to get my book pile down to 11 books. Mostly fluff with a few with more depth to them. But which ones do I recommend?

Elizabeth Wein has showed how much a genius she is with her book Code Name Verity.  I'm a sucker for anything WWII and anything to do with enigmas and code-breakers...spies, personal stories whether it be fictional or nonfictional...it's all incredibly fascinating. And Code Name Verity doesn't disappoint.  It is so well-written and detailed that it is not difficult to get wrapped up into the story. Julia and Maddie are two characters you fall for. You cannot get more kickass women than those who do their bit for the war. I read this wonderful book and felt empowered as a woman to do something, something I love. Brilliant stuff, Elizabeth Wein.

Just One Day was a book I finished several weeks ago, but it still sticks in my mind.  It was such a refreshing read and completely inspirational for my own novel that I'm currently working on.  Unlike most YA books it's not cheesy, and while maybe it is a little cliche in its plot, it holds something that similar books lack: charm. Allyson is a character that I can completely relate to.  A girl searching for herself, taking chances, falling in love, and finally pushing past denial to pursue what she loves instead of what is expected of her.  Complete with travel, this book won me over and pushed me to explore the possibilities of different paths my own novel can take.

Photojournalism and Today's News by Loup Langton is a book I read a couple months ago for my big class project on photojournalism.  When I was told I would have to write a research paper on something related to my degree, it was hard for me to decide which aspect of photography I wanted to write about. I sat, notebook on my lap, and I began to create a list of what it is about photography that I love. The one thing that kept popping up on the list was: Impact. I love the impact of photography. And that led to the question of what kind of photography creates an impact on our world. The answer was obvious: photojournalism.
I was worried when I started researching that I would be unable to find the sources I'd need to explore the photography aspect of Photojournalism vs. the journalism side. This book was amazing. If I ever should one day find myself in the field of photojournalism, some of the credit definitely goes to Loup Langton for his inspiring book.  Photojournalism is explained and detailed so well in this book with photos as examples and wonderful, expressive quotes and stories from various photojournalists, explaining how their job change society, represent stories, and impact us all.

There are moments in spring that are just like music. 

Sunshine on green leaves is just like Arwen's Vigil by The Piano Guys. 

365

Day 109:

Writing letters

Day 110: 

Epic music for epic dreams

Day 111:

My bestie brought me a smoothie *heart* d'aww. 

Day 112:

I'd been waiting for this one for a while!

Day 113:

PR shots include borrowing Bob's coat...then using clamps to make the coat fit. :P 

Day 114: 

I won Best of Category for the Digital Photography category in my school's Spring Exhibit. #squee

 Day 115: 

The things I do to her...

Day 116: 

Juji wrote it, so it must be true.

Day 117:

First popsicles of the year. Last year they were in March.

This year in May.

Day 118:

Woody is a Confederate.

In his undies. 

Yeah. This is what I get when I run LEGOS club. :P

Day 119:

Juji: "Saaaaaaam, my HAIR."

Sam: "You're too little to care about stuff like that."

Day 120: 

This is how we get finals DONE. 

 Day 121: 

We have excellent tastes.

Day 122: 

Small town...

Day 123: 

She still has it even a year later!

Day 124:

Spring writing

Day 125:

First time reading...man, that was a CRAPPY ending.

Day 126: 

Dogfight AND a childfight. Worst combo ever.

Day 127:

It's POURING out there. I didn't wanna leave my car...

INFJ Conclusion

INFJs continued...

Conclusion:

I have changed over the years...I have lost weight, I have become smarter, less naive, and just as I have changed physically and gained more knowledge, so has my personality grown and changed throughout the years. Not that long ago, I would take the Myers-Briggs quiz and receive a result of ESFJ, which is a much more extroverted personality. Today I receive a result of INFJ. I'm not saying that an INFJ is exactly who I am...I don't like the idea of being able to cram all of myself into one box with one specific label. I am a person and I am shaped and changed by my life as I grow older. I cannot hold myself back, even if I wanted to. I do change. These last few posts have not been so much a way of labeling myself, as it has been in trying to attempt to capture who I am in this moment, in this day. Next year who knows which personality type result I would receive. Perhaps I'll have grown more out of my shell of introvertism, or perhaps I'll be the same. I can't say.

I do hope that I have managed to portray myself and introverts well through these blogposts. I recently saw someone post a comment on Facebook saying, "Extroverts rule the world."
Maybe that's true...more extroverts are in leadership positions than introverts are. Extroverts are people who gain energy by interacting with people, introverts gain energy by spending time alone. This does not make us, the introverts, worse or better than extroverts. Being extroverted, being an extreme people person does not make you better or worse than me. We are not all the same, we all have variations in personalities...there are even different varieties of introverts and extroverts. Just like there's an INFJ, there is also an ENFJ. There are introverts that do find it difficult to make friends and to even interact with others. I do not find it difficult to make friends, nor to talk to people. I do find it difficult to trust and let people in my "safety bubble", and I find it exhausting to be around people for long long periods of time.

Not convinced that introverts can be great? Well, let me share with you a little more about INFJ personality types:

INFJs:
...are doers as WELL as dreamers.
...are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals.
...are genuinely interested in others.
...have strong empathy.
...have great self-expression, especially in writing.
...have clarity of vision, both internally and externally.
...hold deep convictions.
...are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden.
...are affable and sympathetic to all.
...are reasonable and creative.
...are good listeners.
...are dedicated to achieving goals.
...take commitments seriously.

Do any of those sound negative? Do you know what kind of jobs most INFJs strive for?
- Religious work
- Counseling
- Doctors
- Teachers
- Psychologists
- Musicians/Artists
- Child care
- Photographers

Introverts are often misunderstood, overlooked, and even snubbed...we are sometimes made to feel guilty for being the way we are. And often we feel miserable for wanting to be people we cannot be. Introverts are great people, even if we never are in a leadership position. We are people who can make a difference.  Today, I am proud to say I am an introvert and that is okay.



References:
http://www.typelogic.com/infj.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFJ_car.html

INFJ Part 4

INFJs continued...

Why I am a Judger...

• I like to have things settled. Oh, gosh, yes. I hate not having a plan...I hate not knowing what to do, what to say, where to go, and how to do something BEFORE I have to do, go to, or say it. It makes me highly uncomfortable. In fact, I often act out scenarios in my head in order to prepare myself. Imagining how someone will respond and vice versa. 
• I take responsibilities seriously. Very seriously. If I have a job to get done, I am going to work HARD at it to get it done perfectly. Deadlines are not guidelines persay, they ARE THE RULE. I do not take responsibility lightly. I have a deathly fear of failure. 
• I pay attention to time and am usually prompt. Very much so. If I have an appointment, no way in hell am I not constantly looking at the time to make sure I don't have to leave yet. And I usually make a point of leaving somewhat early in order to arrive about 10 minutes ahead of time. Just in case...traffic's bad, or someone can take me in early...I like having 10 minutes of extra time, just in case. 
• I prefer to finish projects. Yes, indeed. I hate half-finished things. It makes me very antsy. I have notebooks of started novels that I'm still saving to finish one day. The idea of just giving up on them entirely ruffles my feathers. Even if they are crappy. This is not to say I haven't entirely given up on something, I have. It's just harder for me to. It's hard for me to let go completely. I am loyal, consistent, and stubborn. Finished things make me feel satisfied and complete. That's why I get so upset if something doesn't end well. 
• I tend to work first, play later. YES. I do not understand the people who "eat dessert first" or go out then spend their evening cramming their homework and studying in. It would nag at my mind to know I have unfinished work...and this would cause me to be unable to enjoy my "play". Work and responsibilities first...get them done efficiently and well and I can "play" quite contentedly. This is one reason I hate having assignments that you can't actually work on til a certain time or day. It's like, "I have free time NOW and I wanna get the work done!!" 
• I see the need for closure. Just as I like having finished projects, I have this strong need for closure. And it is hard for me to accept things without closure. It was hard for me to accept my friend's death, friendships and relationships that end crappily. I need a good, peaceful closure in order to feel "right". If I don't get a good sense of closure, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty and regretting things and just plain miserable. 
• I see the need for most rules. Haha, I am a rule follower. I like rules. I like guidelines. It helps in getting things done RIGHT and WELL. I have to be careful, though, not to become too legalistic when it comes to rules. Some rules aren't good and I try to realize that. 
• I like to make and stick to plans. I don't know how many times I will say this. :P I LOVE plans. I like the knowing what will happen. I am not very spontaneous. *sheepish* I like consistency and order. I wish sometimes that I didn't. I'd like to be able to loosen up and just go with the flow sometimes. I think my fiction writing is my release in this way. When it comes to essays and blogposts, I try to follow a structured form. (Bullet points anyone? :P) But when it comes to novels, I just write what NEEDS to be written. It comes out as it comes out...often that's messily. 
• I find comfort in schedules. How else will you know if you have enough time each day for everything you have to do? 

Many people view the J letter in a negative light...they see "Judger" or "Judging" and think it means that a person is very judgmental or negative about others. This is not true. In this case, it simply means we make decided judgments/decisions in life and follow through with them. We make plans, we prefer structure and schedules. This has nothing to do with other people, merely how an individual's mind works. 

Next time...Conclusion. 

INFJ Part 3

INFJs continued...

Why I am a Feeler:

• I decide based on feeling. How do I judge something? Much like my intuitive nature, I base decisions on feelings. Shopping: Do I like this top? No. Yes. Hardly ever is it maybe. I either like it or I don't. However, on the other hand, I have a very reasonable mind. Or rather, I try to curb my feelings and not allow them to control me. As a girl it is very easy for me to give in to my feelings and hormones, but at the same time I have a reasoning mind that conflicts with the emotions. 
• I appear warm and friendly. Depends who you're talking to. My besties tell me I am very cool and standoffish...the Ice Queen. But then, there are friends at school who tell me they sat next to me in a class or approached me because I seemed nice. I am the girl who is forever approached by friends and strangers for help or just a listening ear. It really is funny how people confide in me in so short of a time. I don't *try* to invite it, particularly, and yet it happens. I'm told I'm much too sympathetic. 
• I am convinced by how I feel. Sometimes. A lot of the time when I don't like someone or something, it's because I just have a *feeling*. And it can be hard for me to reason why. For instance...I, as an introvert, do NOT like being touched. It is hard for me to put into words *why*. The only person whose hugs I enjoy are my 5 year old sister's. Everyone else's make me highly uncomfortable. A lot I put up with because it is expected. But there are times when just the thought of being hugged makes my mind completely cringe and get all anxious. It is just incredibly uncomfortable for me. And like I said, it's hard to reason why. It's just a feeling. A sense of discomfort that I have.
• I am diplomatic and tactful. I try to be at least. Generally speaking, when writing something controversial I tend to write and rewrite it at least 2-3 times before I post it. And when debating a subject, I try to NOT get someone mad at me. I hate hate conflict. Oftentimes, however, I get caught up in my own passion that I forget about the other person. This creates conflict and I have to backpedal quickly. :P 
• I value harmony and compassion. So true. I will do whatever it takes to avoid conflict and controversy and confrontations. (Those evil C words). I much prefer peacefulness and getting along. I tend to drop things when I sense myself getting too angry. Or I try to. I am unsuccessful a lot of the time. I much prefer harmony to fighting, though. I realize, however, there are some battles that must be fought. Especially when putting up boundaries. Compassion is very close to my heart. I am the girl who roots for the underdog, who cries over photographs of pain and suffering, who desires more than anything to make something better...I hate when my 5 year old sister feels uncomfortable or in pain or scared. Stories of child abuse, the sex slave trade...stories of tragedy...they totally get to me and break my heart. 
• I take things personally. Ouch. Yes. It is hard for my ego when someone snaps my pride in half. Or when someone laughs at me. Or when someone points out some fault in my life. As a perfectionist this is REALLY hard for me to accept and I *do* take it personally. It's a struggle in my life to understand that some comments people make are meant to be taken as personally as I take them. I have to remind myself of the speaker and intent behind a comment, rather than the words themselves. 
• I am quick to compliment others. I'm not entirely sure about this...I mean, I try to. Probably more so to acquaintances/friends than those closest to me, mainly because I take those around me for granted. Shameful but true. 
• I am motivated by appreciation. Oh yes. Especially in the form of words. A praise makes my day! I take people's words too personally so it is very easy to encourage or discourage me through words. A praise, however, motivates me to continue on and to do better. 
• I avoid arguments and conflicts. Ugh, yes. It makes me highly uncomfortable. There is nothing I hate more than verbal screaming matches. Scares the hell out of me.

Because I am such a feeler I have a tendency to love and hate people. There is a strong desire to help those who are hurting, and yet, there are times when I just LOATHE being around people. As a feeler I want to save the weak, yet as an introvert I just want to be left alone.                                       Also, as a feeler...I find it hard to trust people. I have to fully trust a person in order to feel completely comfortable around them, in order to allow them to fully know me. And it takes an ever rarer type that I enjoy having touch me in the form of a hug. As I said, at the moment, it is only one person, which is hard to explain why. It's just the way it is. 

Next time...Judger. 

INFJ Part 2

INFJs continued...

Now that we've skimmed what it's like for me as an Introvert, it's time to move onto the next letter...

Why I am iNtuitive:

• I focus on the big picture & possibilities. I have this tendency to plan ahead. And while yes, that can sometimes mean zoning in on the details, oftentimes, I am contemplating a big picture. This is a bit harder to describe. It is like...I contemplate the idea of going into a career of photojournalism. This is huge. It's life-changing! Once I have this big picture in my mind of me as a photojournalist, I then explore the possibilities and paths I have laid out before me in order to get to that big picture. Perhaps this is a trait of my synesthesia, but in my mind this is laid out very much like a big circle with various lines sticking out of it, like paths. I have to choose one of those lines/paths to lead into the big circle. 
• I admire creative ideas. Creativity amazes me. Crafts, art, the way my prof. comes up with all these makeshift gadgets to replace actual equipment in the photography studio. Seriously...tin foil? Easy-peasy...it's a barn door OR it's a reflector. 
• I notice anything new or different. Oh, yes, do I ever. One day before I got to work, my boss switched a bookcase around. It was a small bookcase, one that really wasn't that noticeable and it really wasn't too huge of a change. And yet, as soon as I walked in the door, I noticed it. It's like an unconscious PING! on my disturbance radar. Something sayin, "Hey, hey, something's different here...someone messed up the pattern!" 
• I think about future implications. All. the. time. I am the girl that thinks, What if. I am constantly exploring what could happen if I did such and such a thing. "If I get this assignment done early, I can do such and such tomorrow..." "What would happen if I..." It's the never ending question in my head. I'm starting to realize that I may over-think more than most people...
• I trust my gut instincts. If something feels wrong, then something is WRONG. Not always, but it's a feeling I cannot shift. Again, my synesthesia seems to play a part in this. If someone has a bad color, generally, at the same time I have a "bad feeling" about them. I go with my gut instinct and avoid them. If I feel like something is a bad choice but cannot express a reason why, then I prefer to not do it. If I feel like something is a good choice but cannot express a reason why, then I prefer to do it. I don't know how many times I've said, "Just because..." annoying the heck out of someone. It can't be just because! They may say. But sometimes that's just how it is. It's my gut instinct. 
• I like to learn new skills. If I like a skill, I wanna learn it. To this day, I would love to learn: a second language, to play guitar, to dance, to shoot a firearm, to garden, to make films...I have this love/hate relationship with learning. I *love* the satisfaction of learning to do something *well* but I do not always enjoy the work it takes getting there. 
• I like to figure things out for myself. This is not completely true. I best learn by imitation. But I also learn best by getting my hands on whatever I'm learning and just trying it out myself. So all I need is for someone to show me how and then give me the time and patience to try to imitate. 
• I work in bursts of energy. So so true. I tackle projects. I say to myself, "Okay, we're going to get this done." Then I put ALL of me into it and get it done as quickly and efficiently and well done as I possibly can. I sat down and spent 6 hours straight working on my big paper. Remember how I have to work myself into concentration mode? If I break that concentration mode then I have to work back into it. Seems like such a waste. Which is why breaks only come once I've finished a project. 
  

Perhaps this is where I may get to say, "It's my woman's intuition." This is where a lot of the inner-conflict comes in. I like reason, I like knowing the details and the how and what and why. I like understanding. But I also have an instinct. And this instinct conflicts with my desire to know WHY. I had an English teacher who pulled me aside after I had finished her class and told me I have a really great insight when it comes to people and writing. At the time I shrugged it off because it just comes easy for me to guess the how and why behind a character's feelings and actions in an essay or short story. But perhaps this is my intuition. 

On the downside, I prefer to trust myself rather than other people...and in order for me to change my mind about something, someone has to be very convincing in a differing opinion. Backed up by facts and reason. I'm trying to be much more open to considering differing opinions, especially since I know I was so wrapped up into being right as a teenager. And now that I believe much differently than I did as a teenager, I know that I have to be open to change. 

Next time...Feeling. 

INFJ Part 1

Growing up, I've always had a sense of conflict within me, personality-wise. I grew up deathly afraid and shy of people. I'm not sure why or how that sense of fear was instilled into me, but I remember being terrified as a toddler, and refusing to greet even my grandparents. As I grew older, I came slowly out of my shell. Soon I found it easy to talk to people, to start up a conversation, to enjoy the connection the socializing. 

The fear was gone. However, there were days when I found myself just completely opposed to interacting with people. The idea of just stopping in Dunkin Donuts to order a coffee from someone made me feel particularly crabby. I know many people assumed it was because I was shy and didn't want to make the face-to-face connection with a stranger.  But it wasn't. I just didn't *feel* like doing it. There's no other way to describe it. I went days feeling like I loved the world, only to switch to feeling completely withdrawn the next day.  Even within one day, I could go a whole morning chipper and exuberant and talkative...then suddenly in the afternoon, I hated people and just wanted to be alone. 

Slowly, as the years have gone by, I've discovered more and more about myself, learning exactly who I am and how my mind and personality actually work. I know I've changed somewhat as time has passed. When one of my best friends died two years ago, I withdrew into myself, a drastic shift that drew out more of my introverted side. Of course I denied being a full-on introvert. I couldn't possibly be an introvert. Not the way I was so people-friendly at times! Besides, being an introvert wasn't a positive thing. It meant you were scared and shy...and I wasn't scared or shy. I just liked to be alone a lot. 

I now know today that being an introvert is not a bad thing at all. And it doesn't mean you are either scared or shy at all! In fact, there are many different varieties of introverts. Just exactly who am I? 

I am an INFJ. What is an INFJ? Well, to begin with we INFJ's apparently make up only 1% of the population (I have no idea how true this is), which makes us a rare type of personality. 

I stands for Introvert. 

N stands for iNtuitive. 

F stands for Feeling. 

J stands for Judging. 

This personality is also known as The Protector. I am writing this to share with you what it is like inside my head. To help people understand why it is that I am so withdrawn sometimes, why I may appear to be snubbing someone when I'm really not...why I can become so distant, why I have odd quirks, and what it is that makes me tick. 

Let me begin with: 

Why I am an Introvert:

• I have limited energy. Every day I wake up with an amount of energy. Imagine a battery. Some mornings I wake up with my battery very full. And as my day goes by, I am using some of that energy for everything I do. Talking to strangers, interacting in class, helping patrons at my job, concentrating on homework, struggling to get an assignment done...everything uses a bit of this energy. Some days, the battery isn't as full when I wake up. This occurs when I haven't had sufficient rest for my physical body AND my mind. Both need to be fully charged and rested in order for my energy battery to be full. 
• I am a great listener.  I know there are many who look at me with disbelief when they hear me say this, because I am known to be quite a talker at times. But the way I work is, I go through spells of talking and spells of listening. Sometimes when people assume I'm being quiet because of shyness or fear, I'm really just taking a step back to listen and observe, taking in my surroundings. You'd be amazed just how much I listen. 
• I think quietly inside my head. You wouldn't believe what it's like inside my head. It is like a movie, with a narrator (me) talking to myself and viewing things. Perhaps this is enhanced by my photography training to see and note all that is around me. Either way, I think quietly and quite a lot inside my head. 
• I think then act.  I am a planner. I am so very uncomfortable when people make spontaneous plans with me or expect me to change at the last second or to make a decision contrary to original plans. Yesterday, I went for a drive with my best friend. Not knowing where we were going to end up had me flustered and starting to stress. I had to stop and say, "We are going here." just to settle my mind. I think, I plan before I act. 
• I feel comfortable being alone.  I know people think I am shutting myself off from the world, and I am. I know people think it is unhealthy for me to be alone so much. And I know some people don't understand why it is that I *enjoy* being alone. But if you only knew! The comfort of just having stillness. Of blocking out all the voices of other people, and just letting listening to *myself* for a change. Or just sitting quietly. It is my recharge time. It is when my energy battery is filling up. And as an introvert, who is in constant contact with other people, my battery runs out fast. I need as much time as I can possibly get to recharge. Otherwise it's like my system fails. I wish I could let you inside my mind to see how it can get with no energy. The chaos. The complete exhaustion and mixed up feelings. It is overwhelming. 
• I have good powers of concentration. So long as I can be left alone, I can work myself into a good concentration. It always helps when I have my earbuds in with music playing. I am not actually listening to the music the majority of the time, it is merely a way of blocking out distractions until my mind can get set into concentration mode. And then I become oblivious to those around me. It is key, however, for me to be able to work into that mode of concentration. I simply cannot just switch it on. I have to work up toward it. 
• I prefer to focus on one thing at a time. This is so true. I become easily flustered and mixed up when people try to make me consider various things at the same time. I work through one thing at a time. It is why I don't do so very well at debates in person. Because I don't have time to work things through in my mind and take each point one at a time. It stresses me out when I have to consider several things. This is why it is so easy for me to feel overwhelmed with my homework projects. I feel the pressure of all the work and have to remind myself to take one thing at a time. It's how my mind works. 
• I am self-contained and reserved. I do not like to show my emotions. If I'm sad or upset I don't like to talk about it. I tend to bottle things inside. It is only when I have been driven to a breaking point...when I'm over-the-top excited or mad or sad that things seem to bubble over. 

Next time...iNtuitive.