Drowning

I wrote this...maybe a year(?), two years(?) ago, and never dared post it until now. I do so now for a friend who is being pressured and guilted because of her depression. You know who you are. This is for you. Know that your feelings are valid, your struggles are real, and you aren't the only one punished for things beyond your control by the people, Christians, who should be most forgiving, most loving, and most kind. 

2015

I had grand plans to be more involved in blogging this year.
Who are we kidding? Like that will ever happen. As it is, I was determined to get one blogpost completed by Monday this week, and look where we are, the weekend was a sea of homework, my evenings are a meltdown of relaxation as soon as I've finished working out, and last night I was in bed by 5:30 with a migraine.

After all, what would life be if it went the way we plan?


It's a new year, yay? Last year was all about being adventurous, trying new things, broadening my comfort zone. This year, it's much the same, but I think this year is going to end up all about being an adult. Have you noticed how as each year passes, the more choices seem to come up. When did all of this happen? How did I get to be 25-years-old and still wondering about my life? Isn't this the time where we're supposed to have life and shit figured out?

I feel like Julia Roberts from Runaway Bride, still figuring out what kind of eggs she likes.

But I'm not having to decide on something as trivial as breakfast food...I'm facing life decisions that involve my career, jobs, moving...the life of an adult.


That said, I want this year to be about creating. Don't get me wrong, I am planning my adventures and my responsibilities, but I also want to fill my every blue moon free moments with something a bit more meaningful. I want to do everything a little bit more: knitting, writing, photography,
journaling...

So, while I'm not crazy about New Year's Resolutions, I did compile a list of 2015 goals:

• a tattoo
• photography projects
• travel (we'll be seeing Kentucky several times)
• hiking, camping
• learning to swim
• read at least 52 books (wouldn't it be cool if I managed 100?)
• write 
• be open to new opportunities

I am dreaming and hoping and planning for a better year. 2014 was pretty good to me, here's hoping 2015 is even better. 

Learned Worthlessness

Girls are faced with Hollywood, photoshopped images, magazines, films, all of which pressure them about how they should look, giving them a basis of what women should be in this world.

Girls abuse themselves because they can't meet these standards.They're peer-pressured, socially pressured.

And then there's the girls of my world. We don't need the media or models or the world to tell us how worthless we are or how we don't meet standards when we get it from the one place that's supposed to be a safe place. The one place where we're supposed to learn unconditional love and forgiveness, we learn, instead, worthlessness.

I learned to hate myself in church.

I wasn't raised in an extreme fundamentalist world. I was taught about modesty, forced to give up my shorts once I hit puberty, and never wear clothing that showed off too much of my girlish body. But it wasn't as bad as the pressure on other girls. I had pretty dresses and plenty of jeans and tshirts. I was told I was pretty by my parents.

The trouble was from church, the one place where grace is the message above all messages. Grace! You can have grace! God gives you grace! He loves you even when you don't deserve love! Grace is the ever popular topic. I heard it all, I sang Amazing Grace along with the best of them.

The message that stuck with me, though, wasn't one about safety or grace or forgiveness. It was about me failing. Again. I remember hearing since I was little about how worthless we are without God, how we are as lowly worms in comparison to God's goodness, and without Him, we cannot hope to gain eternal life. It's a message of good news, isn't it? To hear that you can be raised, to be given grace and love from God? 

But what I heard was the constant berating..."You are worthless without God." "You have to humble yourself to be lifted up by God. And to humble yourself means putting all others before yourself. Anything less, and you're failing." And every time I mess up in life, I remember those words: "You are small compared to God. You are worthless without Him. You are but a mere human, and you failed *again*."

I live in a world where girls are expected to be pretty, sweet, skinny, and sexy...but I also live in a Christian world where I am expected to be godly and perfect as well. I am to be a light in this world, and all eyes are on me when I mess up. When I was human and made bad choices, I didn't just mess up. I let Christianity down, I made Christ look bad. I failed. I was worthless.

Churches will get their feathers ruffled up and glare at me in their godly anger, saying that I'm missing their point. Their point of how this worthlessness only exemplifies God's goodness! That it's because of His goodness that we can live our lives for Him.

It doesn't matter. As a girl already feeling uncomfortable in her skin, with the added pressure to be pure, modest, and never a stumbling block to boys, all I heard was the message that I was worthless...I wasn't worthy of love. It didn't matter that I was also told that I don't need to work for God's grace. Every time I messed up, I was reminded of my worthless state and I needed to try harder. The church says I don't need to work for my grace, but their eyes on my every move and their harsh disappointment tells me otherwise. The church took me as a naive, little girl, told me I was worthless, and as soon as it was ingrained in me, they tried to tell me my worthlessness can be taken away. The irony. The church taught me to hate myself and now judge me for doing so.

The pressure is on us girls to be perfect and without blemish. It's the kind of pressure that is on girls all over the world. The world teaches us to hate ourselves in the name of beauty. The church teaches us to hate ourselves in the name of grace.

Girls all over the world look in the mirror and say, "I can never be pretty enough. I'm worthless."

I look in the mirror and I say, "I can never be godly enough. I am worthless."

Life Adventures Pt. 2

When I started 2014 with the goal of becoming more daring, building my courage, refusing to let fear stop me from taking chances, I never once imagined it to be about taking chances with my mind.
Yes, I knew it'd be a mental battle to stop fear from overcrowding my mind. Fear is always a mental battle with me. I am the girl of "what-ifs" and "supposes".

"What if I fail?"Suppose I never recover?""What if this hurts me so much I fall back into depression?""Suppose I give in again?" "What if I give up, will people care?" 

I never once imagined that I could be as daring as I was this year. But I'm starting to see that out of everything it isn't the physical battles that are where I need courage. It's in daring to be myself, daring to love myself, daring to support myself, daring to stand up without falling back onto someone else.
For the longest time, I refused to let people in, stuck on the mindset that it was selfish to ask for help...somehow I was meant to be independent all the time. It took a black, sinking hole of despair to finally ask for help. Ever since, it's been addicting to always have someone to vent to, always have someone to go running to, it's been great to have someone to support me when I'm about to crash. It was so nice that I've put off standing on my own.
Over the summer, I didn't have quite so many crashes...it's easy to be happy and strong in the sunshine, with the boost of confidence given by succeeding in my job. However, when it comes to fall and winter, enclosed indoors and little sunshine and warmth, with the struggles of money and schoolwork, one feels one's confidence swirling down the drain.

I could give in to my fearful mental state, break down, and live each day only by clutching on by my fingertips again. Or I could step away from my crutches, as wonderful and helpful as they are, and dare to support myself. I could be dare to push my mind to be stronger.
Instead of having wonderful people telling me how great I am and can be, I dare to tell myself, "You can do this." I dare to push my mind to face the scary shit and say, "Screw this mindset. I am smart enough. I am good enough. I am worthy."

It's about having the courage to look at myself and see all that I've accomplished.

There's a saying that says, "You are what you think."
So, when I feel like giving up or being lazy, my mind tells me that I'm a lazy person who gives up.
In reality, in spite of these wishes, I still work hard to accomplish what's before me.
So, really, just thinking something doesn't make you whatever that is.
It's also how you act on these thoughts.

I hate working so hard in school and constantly think about just giving up or not doing my best work.
Did you know? I have made President's List three times, Dean's List twice? Did you know that I won Best of Category for my photography in the Spring Exhibit at my old school? Did you know that I won the Award of Excellence? Did you know that at graduation I had a GPA of 3.97? Did you know that because I work hard in building friendships with my kiddos in LEGO club that I'll have kids throwing their arms around me as soon as they come in? Did you know that my kiddos refuse to make funny comics about me because I am, "too nice" to them?

Sometimes I think we take the idea of teaching ourselves not to gloat about our accomplishments too far. Worried of appearing arrogant, we shove aside our victories and forget to understand what they mean. Let's revel in these accomplishments. Let's understand that these things mean that we don't always fail, that we actually do good, that we actually don't always give up, that we do work hard, that we CAN overcome fear and succeed when we try!

My mind is being daring when it says, "Elementary Education is HARD. Harder than anything else you've done in school...but if you can write an A paper in three hours, you can do this test", "Putting yourself out there in a new situation is tough, but if you can jump out of a plane, you can do this", "If you can push yourself to hike up a mountain, you can face new things"...it's being daring enough to believe yourself when you say, "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for." 

Don't just take what your friends say for granted. Look around yourselves...our accomplishments are right there where we left them. Understand them, look at them closely, see what these mean. They mean we are stronger, better, smarter, more driven than we ever actually believe.

C'mon, dare to change your mental traps of fear. Stand on your two feet and dare to be. It's like Bastille says,

"Your albatross, let it go, let it go."

Life Adventures pt. 1

It was January 1st, 2014, 12:01 a.m. I was watching Supernatural, fed up with the world, tired. All I wanted was for it to turn the new year so that I could crawl into bed. And that's what I did. As soon as the fireworks started exploding at the neighbors', I turned off my laptop and went to bed. Before I fell asleep, I promised myself, "That's it. 2014 is going to be a better year. I will be adventurous." 

And I did. I had adventures. I climbed mountains, tried new food, read wonderful books, soaked up sun, reached out to children, jumped out of a plane, and opened myself up to people. I was strengthened, I was empowered, I was incredibly hurt, I was happy, I was invigorated, I was inspired. 

Since the end of summer, I hit a kind of road block. With the end of summer came responsibilities. It meant no more time for all fun adventures...it meant a busier schedule, it meant classes starting, and it meant worries and stress and late nights and being over tired. Fall, in spite of how beautiful it is and how much I love it all, has been bittersweet for me in the last few years. Fall and winter are when I am most strained. I adore my sunshine and warmth, which I am deprived of throughout fall and winter. I struggle against the worries of money, work, and school. I struggle with the old me...it's hard to shrug off the worries when they come out in hundred-fold, desperate to land on your shoulders again. When you have lived in fear just once, it is ten times easier to give into the fear again. Part of me so desperately wants to give in...it's tiring to battle all the time. 

Then in my mind I tasted the colors of giving in. The greys, the dullness, the metallic flavor of despair. I could see the heavy doors, open but ready to slam shut against hope as soon as I stepped through them. Instead of the neon Exit sign above them, Fear was written. Is fear really how I want to live? 

I texted someone, wanting something to lean on instead of balancing myself. The response I got hit my mind, the words emblazoned.

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for." 

It's one thing to have someone hold you up, but if you cannot train yourself to stand up on your own, you will never be able to walk. I want to be fearless. And it hit me that just because summer is over doesn't mean the adventures have stopped. They may not be as interesting or fun, but adventures are the things that test you, push you. Summer was for the physical adventures, fall is for the mental ones. Because it is my mind that needs to be daring now.

To be continued...

Apple Pie of My Eye

My mom makes this Apple Crumb Pie that is pretty spectacular...the best kind of buttery-cinnamony goodness topping, but, in my opinion, nothing beats a two crust pie.

After our trip to the apple orchard, it was time to pull out my own baking skills to make what I consider to be one hell of a great pie.

Cooked to perfection, I add just a bit more cinnamon than the recipe calls for and bake only til the crust is the perfect kind of flakiness.
Want to try your own hand at it?

Better Homes and Gardens Plain Pastry Crust
 For two single-crusts

2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup shortening
5 to 7 tablespoons cold water

Sift flour and salt together.
Cut in shortening with fork until pieces are the size of small peas.
Sprinkle in a tablespoon of water a time, tossing mixture with fork, adding a tablespoon at a time to mixture until dough forms into ball.

Cut dough in half, roll each half into pie crust form until both fit pie plate.


Better Homes and Gardens Apple Crumb Pie (minus the Crumb topping)

                                                        2/3 cup sugar

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
            6 to 8 apples, pared, cored and sliced.

         Combine first 3 ingredients; stir into apples.
            Line 9-inch pie plate with pastry. Fill with apple mixture.
               Adjust top crust, cutting slits for escape of steam; seal.
             Bake at 400* for 45-50 minutes or till done.


And the result is this heavenly piece of perfection!

New England in the Fall

Just as Lorelai Gilmore raves about her first snow of the season, I feel a special sensation about the beginning of our wondrous New England autumns.

It's the kind of weather that makes you pull out the plaid flannel, cups of tea, go apple picking, exchange the shorts with skinny jeans, and, of course, watch Gilmore Girls.

I always think of fall as starting with the first day of school, but it doesn't truly feel like fall until the first apple picking excursion. The family piles into the van (which has shrinked in considerable size over the years) and drives the 5 minutes to the apple orchard that we've visited ever since I was a little kiddo myself. It's interesting to note the changes that have sprung up at the farm over the years, but also to see how it really hasn't changed and being able to share the same kind of experience with my lil punk of a sis. It doesn't matter that it's an expensive visit...in a way, it's worth the picturesque experience.

Apple soda makes you feel so grown up, even if it doesn't taste quite as good as it would seem. 

It's hard to remember there's a world outside to enjoy when you start to become consumed with homework. It sometimes takes effort to stop, look up and see that autumn doesn't change in its beauty. For once it feels like the world has the chance to stop and see into the mind of a synesthete. The colors surround you, even in the shade of light that is starting to cool in color this time of year. You won't be disappointed with the wispy blues, vivid reds, and fading greens. 

So here's a little piece of advice from me to you:

1. Travel to New England in autumn
2. Stop and look at the sky once in a while
3. Take a selfie, let the world mock what it will.
4. Pick an apple
5. Watch some Gilmore Girls.

Guaranteed to make your life better. 

And a happy autumn to you too!