Life Adventures pt. 1

It was January 1st, 2014, 12:01 a.m. I was watching Supernatural, fed up with the world, tired. All I wanted was for it to turn the new year so that I could crawl into bed. And that's what I did. As soon as the fireworks started exploding at the neighbors', I turned off my laptop and went to bed. Before I fell asleep, I promised myself, "That's it. 2014 is going to be a better year. I will be adventurous." 

And I did. I had adventures. I climbed mountains, tried new food, read wonderful books, soaked up sun, reached out to children, jumped out of a plane, and opened myself up to people. I was strengthened, I was empowered, I was incredibly hurt, I was happy, I was invigorated, I was inspired. 

Since the end of summer, I hit a kind of road block. With the end of summer came responsibilities. It meant no more time for all fun adventures...it meant a busier schedule, it meant classes starting, and it meant worries and stress and late nights and being over tired. Fall, in spite of how beautiful it is and how much I love it all, has been bittersweet for me in the last few years. Fall and winter are when I am most strained. I adore my sunshine and warmth, which I am deprived of throughout fall and winter. I struggle against the worries of money, work, and school. I struggle with the old me...it's hard to shrug off the worries when they come out in hundred-fold, desperate to land on your shoulders again. When you have lived in fear just once, it is ten times easier to give into the fear again. Part of me so desperately wants to give in...it's tiring to battle all the time. 

Then in my mind I tasted the colors of giving in. The greys, the dullness, the metallic flavor of despair. I could see the heavy doors, open but ready to slam shut against hope as soon as I stepped through them. Instead of the neon Exit sign above them, Fear was written. Is fear really how I want to live? 

I texted someone, wanting something to lean on instead of balancing myself. The response I got hit my mind, the words emblazoned.

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for." 

It's one thing to have someone hold you up, but if you cannot train yourself to stand up on your own, you will never be able to walk. I want to be fearless. And it hit me that just because summer is over doesn't mean the adventures have stopped. They may not be as interesting or fun, but adventures are the things that test you, push you. Summer was for the physical adventures, fall is for the mental ones. Because it is my mind that needs to be daring now.

To be continued...