Living Life...

One could always come up with some perfectly adequate excuses for not having kept up with blogging...
one could say, "I've been swamped at work..."
one could say, "I've been dealing with family stuff..."
one could say, "I've been in the hospital. Dying."
one could say, "An alligator bit off my right hand..."
one could say, "I lost the password to my blog..."

Wait, let's go back to the alligator one. It's much more interesting. But if we're going to be completely honest with each other, I've simply been lazy. I really have no legitimate excuse, as I work part-time and have plenty of time to keep up with updating my blog.

Would some photos make up for the absence of newsiness? Yes? Okay, let's start with the prettiness.

In spite of the laziness of my life, I've filled my time with the little things of life that keep you occupied. Nothing particularly worth while to creating change in the world but little things that make your heart happy, boost your esteem, and fill your soul with vanilla-pudding kind of peace. (Smooth and creamy...now I'm hungry.)

Those little moments that we so often just glide by without even a second glance. Little moments of magic, moments that if we just stop long enough to capture with a capture, we'll see just how beautiful they are. This is my life at the moment...because in spite of going crazy with no school and only a part-time job to keep me occupied, I am also distracted by the little, good moments.

I'm taken back in time with the dance of a pen in my hand as it begins a letter with, "Dear Rose..." and the up and down loops of f's and g's and y's in my cursive. It's an old and well-loved motion, a piece of my life on a piece of paper. Enclosed in its envelope home, it'll fly it's merry way across waters to reach it's new destination. Magic. 

There's the moments where you come home and you hesitate over a book or a movie. But then your soul decides it needs some uplifting...no, it needs some spilling. And you let it pour out of you as music floods your soul and words drift onto the page of your journal. Sometimes it means exclamation points, italics as only a very Emily Starr soul can understand, and sometimes it means words all in caps and illustrations and word circles. Sometimes it means an EXPLOSION of words. From the comfort of your bed, from the vividness of your mind...you treat your soul to word therapy and you realize what this is. Magic. 

There are mornings when you drown yourself in cup after cup of tea, and you let yourself sink into the energy that flies from your fingertips. The snap of the shutter, the whir of the photos uploading onto your laptop. The excited breathing as you click through each photo, looking for the gem you made through a lens.
The excitement of multitasking as your fingers quickly ease over the keys, editing each photo, tweaking it just a skosh (Skosh: a form of measurement) to perfection, and figuring out your schedule. Making your photos while you cross each day that has slipped by, realizing you've not even come close to capturing enough of the moments in your life as each day goes hopping by. Magic. 

I may give in to my laziness of avoiding posting on my blog, but this doesn't mean I'm just letting my life slip by unnoticed or unappreciated. I am filled with love for these beautiful moments that I'm too lazy to always capture on my blog. Mugs of coffee, cups of tea, random photo shoots, music blaring, journal-, letter-, and novel-writing, spontaneous dance and tea parties with little sisters, movie nights with besties...I am living life and I am loving all these little moments of magic. 

The Traveling Girl vs. The Quiet Girl?

There's been a rush of popular blogposts floating around on my facebook newsfeed about dating or not dating a girl who travels. Friends have been raving and promoting these blogposts and after a discussion with friends, I feel compelled to write my own blogpost.

Don't Date a Girl Who Travels

Date a Girl Who Travels

I've always wanted to travel. I've had the green monster of envy as I watch my friends, even siblings get to see places I've always dreamed of seeing. I sigh with jealousy and daydreams as I go through the photo albums of people's journeys. It's not about hating those who travel, in fact, I envy them!

But.

I am not a fan of these kind of blogposts because while some can take them light-heartedly, and say how it's "so true!" and "this is me!", I don't see a message of light-hearted fun. I see a message promoting one kind of girl above all others. Let's take a look.

I find that these kind of articles imply that dating any other girl beside a "Traveling Girl" is lame, that the "Traveling Girl" is the *perfect* girl to date because she is adventurous, non-superficial, doesn't care about things like: shopping, or wasting money on things when you could use it to travel, and is also the prettiest, because she's interesting, and doesn't waste time over her appearance. Bottom line: a girl who travels is: more fun, more simplistic in life, more adventurous, prettier, independent: she is worthier of respect. she is worthier of attention. she is more FUN.

Maybe I'm over-reacting to these articles, but coming from a girl who has been faced with so many guys who only want to date a "spontaneous/adventurous" girl, I find myself frustrated. "Fun" girls are so highly promoted today, and "fun" = daring, spontaneous, thrill-seeker, active girls. The girl that can go stride-in-stride with a guy on EVERY physical activity that he does.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for girls being free to pursue all the activities that a guy does. I don't like the idea, however, that a girl who doesn't pursue these kind of activities is less than those who do.

I am not spontaneous. I am a planner. I don't roll easily with the punches. I like staying home a lot, I like having a dependable job. We girls who aren't adventurous or thrill-seekers don't expect to be treated as glass dolls. Not all of us are superficial just because we don't like cliff-jumping. I don't expect expensive gifts. I don't like getting lost, so sue me. It doesn't make me a fun-hater, it just means I have a different idea of fun. Being something different than spontaneous is not a bad thing.

Let's take a look at what these articles say about "Traveling Girls"...

Chances are, she can’t hold a steady job. Or she’s probably daydreaming about quitting. She doesn’t want to keep working her ass off for someone else’s dream. She has her own and is working towards it. She is a freelancer. She makes money from designing, writing, photography or something that requires creativity and imagination. Don’t waste her time complaining about your boring job.

When I read this, my eyebrows raised. Why is stability, dependability, and hard work seen as a bad thing? How is not being able to hold a steady job a good thing? Why is working under someone suddenly not working your own dream? If I one day get a job as a photojournalist, I'll be working for someone, but I'll also be doing something that I hope is something good in the world, and that is my dream.
And since when is working a job outside of writing, photography, or designing...a non-creative job...so bad? If someone didn't do those jobs, where would we be? Those airlines a traveling girl rides? Be thankful, traveling girls, that the world doesn't all think and act like you. We Quiet Girls can also be travelers. Perhaps it's not our living, it's not our whole life, but we dream of adventures in far-off lands. Sometimes we even fulfill those dreams. So we have our maps and our schedules and plans, but it doesn't make it less adventurous or fun for us. Just the traveling alone is an adventure. So we don't jump off cliffs or hike up every mountain. It doesn't make us less fun or interesting. We find just as much activity in learning new skills and exploring libraries and museums. We aren't less creative, we love photography and writing just as much as the next person. We just find our adventures in different ways. Perhaps we even attempt the same kind of activities but in a slower, more planned manner. It just means we're cautious and careful, not boring. Don't turn your nose up at the rest of us.

Waste her time complaining about our boring jobs? She sounds like a supportive, understanding friend. Not all of us have the luxury of doing whatever we want or working the dream job/living the dream life.

Don’t date a girl who travels as she tends to speak her mind. She will never try to impress your parents or friends. She knows respect, but isn’t afraid to hold a debate about global issues or social responsibility. 

I'm a planner. I'm more at home than anywhere else. I speak my mind. It's not just the Traveling Girl who has opinions and voices them.

She will never need you. She knows how to pitch a tent and screw her own fins without your help. She cooks well and doesn’t need you to pay for her meals. She is too independent and wont care whether you travel with her or not. She will forget to check in with you when she arrives at her destination. She’s busy living in the present. She talks to strangers. She will meet many interesting, like-minded people from around the world who share her passion and dreams. She will be bored with you. 

Some of us like being needed. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't make us less independent. We may not need you, and yes, we know how to do things on our own. But some of us, some of us like the company of doing it together, working as a team. We are considerate of those around us, willing to take the moment to ease someone's mind about our well-being and where we are. We will meet many interesting people, as well, and we will enjoy talking to them one and all, no matter if they travel or not.

This is not about putting down the Traveler Girl. Traveling Girls, embrace your life, LOVE it, share it with me, tell me about your travels, show me your pictures. I love hearing your stories. Don't settle with a quiet, non-spontaneous man. But don't put him down. Don't put down the quiet, non-spontaneous girls. There's no reason to be snobby or feel defensive about your lifestyle. There's no reason for either side to put anyone down!

Men, we quiet girls may not be adventurous our spontaneous or a thrill-seeker. But we are dreamers, we are intellectuals, we are loyal and dependable, we are responsible, we are hard-working, we are accepting...just as beautiful and strong and courageous as Traveling Girls. If you're looking for adventurous girls, maybe we're not the ones for you. But don't put us down because we're not. It doesn't make us less worthy, only different. And different? It's not so bad.   Traveling Girls, Quiet Girls...we're all fabulous, just in our each, individual way. And my response to these articles?

Traveling Girls are awesome. But so are Quiet Girls. It's not a case of who's better than who, Traveling Girl versus Quiet Girl. Neither one is better than the other.

Photography Journey: Part 4

Photography Journey: 2008-2014

2008:

2008: one of the first photos I ever took with my new camera. 

2008: Portraits were fun!

2008: Juji as a baby was a popular subject.


2009

2009: blurry is artsy!

2009: New Hampshire is just naturally beautiful!

2010:

2010: One of my first gigs: shooting my cousin's Senior Portraits!

2010: Another Senior Portrait session!

2011:

2011: Engagements were awesome fun to shoot!

2011: A lil bokeh, a heart...how cliche can I get? 

2012:

2012: Balloons! This was the year all about COLOR!

2012: Have I mentioned how much I *love* engagements?

2012: Piano & color, two of my fallbacks for school assignments!

2012: The portrait that won me Best of Category in the Spring Exhibit!

2013:

2013: Engagement Ring

2013: Freedom From Fear - a school project.

2013: Freedom of Worship - a school project.

2013: Books are magical

2014:

2014: Self-portrait

2014: Tea cups are my thing.

I kinda chuckle as I look back over the years and see how my photography was so horrible when I first started out. But then I also smile and feel a sense of accomplishment as I see how far I've come as well.
It's been one hell of a journey and I've grown! I love that. I love the looking back and seeing how
I've changed and how my photography has changed. I love seeing my techniques expand and

change as the years go by. It's only been 6 years (only??) but I'm excited to see where my 

photography takes me in the next 6 years. 

Photography Journey: Part 3.

My second semester was an improvement over the first, mostly because I was more in-depth in my photography classes, surrounded by other photographer-wanna-bes, and finally feeling like I was being initiated into that club I so wanted to be a part of. That second semester, I made friends, slowly and quietly found myself entering a small group within the photography classes where inside jokes were born and where we all worked hard alongside each other, the competition absent and instead a sense of encouragement for one another and acceptance. We didn't see each other as "the competition"...we were in it together, we were friends. It made school so much more bearable.

The classes weren't easier or the work load smaller, but working with others made it easier in a way.
And I threw myself into my photography classes. They only reassured me that I was where I was supposed to be. I loved every part of it (except perhaps those damn tool caddy assignments!).
The more I learned, the more I became part of that club. My first class in-studio was
extremely intimidating. The more advanced students knew wherever went, and how to set everything up, while I stood to the side, helpless and feeling very much the part of a newbie. But I also remember the semester where I, too, walked into that studio, the pro. As my friend Kate stated, "For once we're the pros and not the newbies..." Such a good feeling, let me tell you!

2012: we weren't competitors. We were friends.

School still wasn't without its share of tears. The studying was a killer. Late nights...the night I sat up until 3am, bawling over math because I had a test the next day...the headaches, migraines over studying....the notes galore, the photos I snapped...it all went into the days of school.

Along came my required Business class. I went into it still determined to have my own photography business one day. Then the class came and smacked me across the face. Who knew that to run one's own business, one has to devote 99% of her time to business and only 1% to photography in order to be successful? While some can be passionate about both photography and business and easily combine them, I just cannot. Business is NOT a passion and I decided there was no way I could start my own business. Perfect. I knew I loved photography but now I had no idea what I wanted to do, outside of perhaps work in a studio. The class made me question my priorities...did I love photography enough? I did, it turned out.

I entered 2 photographs into the Spring Exhibit at my school and one of my photos was chosen to hang in the exhibit. I was *thrilled*. Imagine my nervousness as I sat in the school cafeteria for the honor's night. One photo from the exhibit would be chosen as Best of Category. Would mine make 2nd place? I sat, surrounded by my family, barely noticing all the other awards being handed out for all the graphic design categories. Finally it was time. I heard my name. I heard the applause. I saw the blur of people and the floor and the walls as I got up and walked to the front. My photography teacher stood there, his hand outstretched and a grin on his face as he shook my hand and handed me the certificate.

For the first time in my life, I was proud of me. 

For my last semester, instead of taking just my last, four, required classes I decided to add a fifth class: photojournalism. Just as my first semester was hell, so was my last one in a way. Between the mixture of tough classes, confusing teachers, and mix-ups involving my classes and graduation, I found myself feeling very discouraged. On top of that, all the friends I'd made had graduated with their certificates in Photography the prior semester. I told a friend, "School can't let me leave without a fight." This past fall was difficult. I studied my butt off, feeling like it was never enough. Still feeling like a failure even though I hadn't acquired a grade lower than an A- in the past. My GPA was high, and yet I still felt like I had to fight to accomplish anything. The last 6 weeks of classes felt like they dragged on forever. And then finals came. And then. They were over. Time has sped by since then. And then, the other day the mailman dropped a white, thick envelope in the mail. I ripped it open and pulled out that little black book with the tiny piece of paper inside.

I did it. Two and half years of tears, fears, heartaches, headaches, constant tiredness, struggling, fighting, killing myself, feeling like a failure...and a tiny piece of paper saying it was all worth it. I'm not a failure. I accomplished something. I did this. I DID this. In spite of everything, in spite of the times where I felt like I couldn't, the times where I felt worthless and felt like giving up...there's a tiny piece of paper saying that I made it and that I did well. A friend asked me, "How do you feel to be DONE?" It feels...weird. It feels...great. But on one hand, it feels like...it's not done...it feels like just one step up a staircase. It just means I'm facing the next step. But I'm not worrying about that now. I'm taking delight in the fact that I'm done! I'm graduated! I've finished this chapter!

I did it.

Photography Journey: Part 2

2011: Boston. Shadows were intriguing!

I was very lazy and had no idea what a photography business entailed when I so proudly (and stupidly) announced I was going to run my own photography business. Sure, I had some photo shoots...a couple of them even paid! But they weren't polished, they were for "fun" and I made no effort to build my business. I never networked, I never bought studio equipment or went out looking for work...I just assumed it'd come to me. And the more I waited, doing nothing, the more nothing happened. I fooled myself thinking that shooting my friends was "building up my porfolio" and would help bring in business. I think if I could go back, I'd pat myself on the head.

It was a friend of mine who changed my mind. He was always talking to me about school, pushing and encouraging me to go. And in the end, I did decide to go, all because of the advice of this friend. Through his eyes, I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere and school would help me get somewhere. Even if it didn't help me with the photography, it'd be something to do while waiting for my business to get up and running. Plus, if I wanted my own business, I should probably know a little more about the business side of things.

I remember the day I told my parents I was going...and I remember asking my dad, "What do you think about me going?" I can't remember his exact reply but he told me I had his support but that he and mom were worried that school would change me. I assured him quite confidently that it wouldn't. What is it about being 20 and being so sure of the world?

2011: Oh selfies. And oh, what lighting. 

That same morning, as I was talking of school plans, my friend...the same one who encouraged me to go to school...died. I've talked about my friend's death on here before, hinting at the depression that I struggled with. And I only bring it up again because of the impact it had when I began school and because it was partially because of this friend that I am where I am today, that I am who I am today. 

2011: "Twins" assignment for class. 

The day I went into school to meet with an adviser and set up classes is very memorable for me. After a little mix-up about who was supposed to sit down with me, I finally got a meeting with the man who would become my photography professor. I'd already decided that if I were going to school then I wouldn't leave without a degree, even if that meant I had to major in Business since there was no degree in Photography. After discussing things, however, I discovered that the school was just beginning to offer a photography program where one could earn an Associates degree in photography, rather than just a certificate. Eagerly, I signed up for the first 5 classes listed. "Intro to Mass Media", "English 101", Math, Intro to Photography, and "Designing Business Graphics".

It was a hell of a semester. I had no idea what I was getting into. 5 classes was overwhelming and a heavy load on top of everything in my life. I came home from my first day of classes, called up a friend and burst into tears, bawling that I just couldn't do it. It was the attitude I had all semester long, under the pressure, I was just a basket case. Half-way through the semester, I remember feeling like I was a complete failure and always tired...school, depression...it was hard. My parents suggested perhaps I should drop out and go back to school at a later time. I refused, unable to bear the idea of going back to school and going through it all again. I plugged on and felt relief when the semester was over. In a way, my first semester was the most difficult but I survived.

I just didn't realize how long and hard the rest of school would be, as well as fun and memorable. 

Photography Journey: Part 1

2008

I remember the day I got into photography...I was 18, bored, and it was a rainy day. I picked up my mom's little Canon point&shoot camera and walked around the house with it. I just looked for anything "interesting" (I seriously question my idea of interesting!) and shot anything and everything.
I shot a photo of one of the little girls holding...a bouncy ball. Yeah. A pink and white stripedy bouncy ball. It was as lame as it sounds. My composition was all about dead-centering everything and never knowing when to zoom in or NOT to zoom in!, lighting was provided by on-camera flash (aaaah the red eye days!), and I had no idea what the hell exposure, white balance, ISO, and all that "mumbo-jumbo" meant! Auto was my tool. Heaven forbid!  But I loved it. So much that I bought my beloved Booth, a Canon Rebel, who will be turning 6 in April.

2008: Raindrops didn't need to be in focus: artsy!

As before, I shot on auto, no idea what I was doing, but I was happy doing it. Raindrops on leaves was an especial favorite. Doesn't matter if they were in focus or not...blurry just meant artsy, right? (Hahahahahahahaha).

I decided I wanted to take photography lessons, because I finally discovered that my Canon Rebel did not only have an Auto function but, believe it or not!, it also had a manual function where some interesting words like exposure and lighting and f-stop were a true photographer's second language. It was like being in a club and I wanted to be in that club. I looked into taking private lessons from a photographer, even emailing him about what he charged and how such a lesson would occur. The parents vetoed my taking lessons alone with a guy, so I turned to the internet. I managed to find a photography course and paid $90 for the class. 

2009: Rule of Thirds? I really wasn't as clever as I thought.

I think I completed...3? lessons worth before I discovered how rubbish it all was. So I went back to just snapping photos as I liked em. I even discovered the "non-flash" function and how it sometimes worked better than flash! Oh and placing the subject of my photo in other "sections" of the photo instead of dead-center? I thought I was so clever and unique to compose differently.

As I grew older, I realized that reality was drawing nearer and the fact that I would have to eventually support myself was finally dawning. Marriage wasn't happening any time soon...so what better solution than to start my own photography business??

2010: I realized I loved photography!

My first real photography "gig" was my older brother's engagement photos. With my mom as a "partner", I shot photos of my brother and his fiancee in the lovely town of Amherst. I shot and shot, taking hundreds of photos (did I mention, I just snapped and snapped and snapped without stopping? It seemed much more professional to me if you could hear the shutter repeatedly clicking!), and the more I clicked, the more excited I became. I LOVED shooting. I loved the interaction, the posing, the capturing of so many pretty photos. This shoot was the first time I realized that photography was definitely what I wanted to pursue in my life. It was the first time I felt passion, the first time I loved doing something.

After that, I tried to fill my days with photo shoots, a mixture of senior portraits and engagement photos amongst my friends and family. I told everyone I was going to start my own business. I was warned that in order to succeed, I should probably go to school, but laughed and shook my naive little head. Why go to school when I could just start a business on my own? Why spend all that money and leave my comfort zone to just take some stupid classes? I thought I knew everything at 20. 

2010: I thought I knew everything.

Coffee

Coffee

It deserves its own blogpost, don't you think?

I have a love-hate, bitter-sweet, half-n-half (hahaha) relationship with coffee. It gives me some very high highs and some very low lows. It's been known to make me the most loving, most friendly, most awesome person on the planet. And it's been known to make the most annoying, the most loud, the most dead person on the planet. It gives me energy or it gives me a migraine. I never quite know how my body is going to react to the caffeine. Is it worth the risk? Probably not, but it tastes so damn good.

Can we talk about the amazing coffee? My favorites? I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a huge Dunkin Donuts fan (what can I say? you can't drive 5 min. without running into one here, whereas you have to go into the cities to search for a Starbucks!)...their Pumpkin Spice lattes are *amazing*. All those cracks about girls going berserk in the fall for the pumpkin spice lattes? Well, I'm that cliche. I could drink them all year round.

Now that winter has set in, however, the peppermint mocha coffees (hot, preferably, though iced is not insane for a New Englander in the middle of the winter...it tastes amazing either way) are fabulicious.

Does this mean I have the $$ to blow every day at DD? Sadly, it doesn't. So I have to resign myself to making a cup at home. I like to brew a cup of DD's myself but lately I've been guzzling the wondrous delights of a Dark Chocolate blend that a friend sent me. Sadly, I can't remember what brand it is, but normally I find that the funky flavors aren't as good when you make them at home. This time was an exception. It is delicious!

My bestie Genny occasionally runs out to grab me a coffee and knows exactly how I love it. As she puts it, "Lotsa cream and VERY sugary." Such a girl. And it may seem like the cliche thing to be the photographer that walks around with her camera in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, but that's okay. I like being the cliche. :) There's a reason why I'm called CoffeeGirl.

Here's to many more years of a rocky relationship with coffee!