INFJ Part 1

Growing up, I've always had a sense of conflict within me, personality-wise. I grew up deathly afraid and shy of people. I'm not sure why or how that sense of fear was instilled into me, but I remember being terrified as a toddler, and refusing to greet even my grandparents. As I grew older, I came slowly out of my shell. Soon I found it easy to talk to people, to start up a conversation, to enjoy the connection the socializing. 

The fear was gone. However, there were days when I found myself just completely opposed to interacting with people. The idea of just stopping in Dunkin Donuts to order a coffee from someone made me feel particularly crabby. I know many people assumed it was because I was shy and didn't want to make the face-to-face connection with a stranger.  But it wasn't. I just didn't *feel* like doing it. There's no other way to describe it. I went days feeling like I loved the world, only to switch to feeling completely withdrawn the next day.  Even within one day, I could go a whole morning chipper and exuberant and talkative...then suddenly in the afternoon, I hated people and just wanted to be alone. 

Slowly, as the years have gone by, I've discovered more and more about myself, learning exactly who I am and how my mind and personality actually work. I know I've changed somewhat as time has passed. When one of my best friends died two years ago, I withdrew into myself, a drastic shift that drew out more of my introverted side. Of course I denied being a full-on introvert. I couldn't possibly be an introvert. Not the way I was so people-friendly at times! Besides, being an introvert wasn't a positive thing. It meant you were scared and shy...and I wasn't scared or shy. I just liked to be alone a lot. 

I now know today that being an introvert is not a bad thing at all. And it doesn't mean you are either scared or shy at all! In fact, there are many different varieties of introverts. Just exactly who am I? 

I am an INFJ. What is an INFJ? Well, to begin with we INFJ's apparently make up only 1% of the population (I have no idea how true this is), which makes us a rare type of personality. 

I stands for Introvert. 

N stands for iNtuitive. 

F stands for Feeling. 

J stands for Judging. 

This personality is also known as The Protector. I am writing this to share with you what it is like inside my head. To help people understand why it is that I am so withdrawn sometimes, why I may appear to be snubbing someone when I'm really not...why I can become so distant, why I have odd quirks, and what it is that makes me tick. 

Let me begin with: 

Why I am an Introvert:

• I have limited energy. Every day I wake up with an amount of energy. Imagine a battery. Some mornings I wake up with my battery very full. And as my day goes by, I am using some of that energy for everything I do. Talking to strangers, interacting in class, helping patrons at my job, concentrating on homework, struggling to get an assignment done...everything uses a bit of this energy. Some days, the battery isn't as full when I wake up. This occurs when I haven't had sufficient rest for my physical body AND my mind. Both need to be fully charged and rested in order for my energy battery to be full. 
• I am a great listener.  I know there are many who look at me with disbelief when they hear me say this, because I am known to be quite a talker at times. But the way I work is, I go through spells of talking and spells of listening. Sometimes when people assume I'm being quiet because of shyness or fear, I'm really just taking a step back to listen and observe, taking in my surroundings. You'd be amazed just how much I listen. 
• I think quietly inside my head. You wouldn't believe what it's like inside my head. It is like a movie, with a narrator (me) talking to myself and viewing things. Perhaps this is enhanced by my photography training to see and note all that is around me. Either way, I think quietly and quite a lot inside my head. 
• I think then act.  I am a planner. I am so very uncomfortable when people make spontaneous plans with me or expect me to change at the last second or to make a decision contrary to original plans. Yesterday, I went for a drive with my best friend. Not knowing where we were going to end up had me flustered and starting to stress. I had to stop and say, "We are going here." just to settle my mind. I think, I plan before I act. 
• I feel comfortable being alone.  I know people think I am shutting myself off from the world, and I am. I know people think it is unhealthy for me to be alone so much. And I know some people don't understand why it is that I *enjoy* being alone. But if you only knew! The comfort of just having stillness. Of blocking out all the voices of other people, and just letting listening to *myself* for a change. Or just sitting quietly. It is my recharge time. It is when my energy battery is filling up. And as an introvert, who is in constant contact with other people, my battery runs out fast. I need as much time as I can possibly get to recharge. Otherwise it's like my system fails. I wish I could let you inside my mind to see how it can get with no energy. The chaos. The complete exhaustion and mixed up feelings. It is overwhelming. 
• I have good powers of concentration. So long as I can be left alone, I can work myself into a good concentration. It always helps when I have my earbuds in with music playing. I am not actually listening to the music the majority of the time, it is merely a way of blocking out distractions until my mind can get set into concentration mode. And then I become oblivious to those around me. It is key, however, for me to be able to work into that mode of concentration. I simply cannot just switch it on. I have to work up toward it. 
• I prefer to focus on one thing at a time. This is so true. I become easily flustered and mixed up when people try to make me consider various things at the same time. I work through one thing at a time. It is why I don't do so very well at debates in person. Because I don't have time to work things through in my mind and take each point one at a time. It stresses me out when I have to consider several things. This is why it is so easy for me to feel overwhelmed with my homework projects. I feel the pressure of all the work and have to remind myself to take one thing at a time. It's how my mind works. 
• I am self-contained and reserved. I do not like to show my emotions. If I'm sad or upset I don't like to talk about it. I tend to bottle things inside. It is only when I have been driven to a breaking point...when I'm over-the-top excited or mad or sad that things seem to bubble over. 

Next time...iNtuitive.

It's a weekend.  A spring weekend. 

Homework is all (well, okay, fiiiiine, nearly done) done.

One final taken. I think that calls for a celebration...the kind of celebration that finds you outside, wearing shorts and t-shirt, kicking off your blue flip-flops and settling back in a beach chair that has been set in the sun. Earbuds plugged in, Pandora playing the Lumineers, and The Mockingjay opened up to page 88.  And when the sun becomes too warm, you dig out the popsicles with help from the kiddos and have contests to see who can finish their's first. (I really don't think it's fair for them to bite and chew their popsicles when it huuuurts my teeth to do so! Popsicles were made to be sucked not chewed!)

I sat in the sun, tanning my much-too-white legs and breathing in the addictive scents of dirt and grass and fresh air.  The lil girls brought me bouquets of dandelions and violets, which sat on the arms of my chair (until hornets came-a-visiting, upon which I shuddered and accidentally-not-at-all-maliciously brushed the flowers to the ground). 

I settled back in my chair, content to not move a muscle, my book opened but ignored as I just sat and thought. It's been a semester of plans and preparing for changes...changes for this summer, where I plan to be busier than ever, but mostly plans and "what-ifs" for my future, starting this fall. Fall 2013 contains my last semester of working toward my Associates Degree.  And the question that has arisen this past semester has been, "What are you going to do after you graduate? Are you going to transfer? Are you stopping at your Associates? What kind of photography are you going to pursue? Going to start your own business?" 

And the answers are all a bit hazy, even now.  When I started school, I wanted to run my own photography business...that is until I discovered that business and I don't particularly love each other. Or even like each other. The hazy plans, the ideas, possibilities...they can be so overwhelming. And for someone, like me, who loves set plans, knowing what she's going to be doing tomorrow or the next day, or even next year...it's intimidating, it's daunting! I look ahead on the various paths I could take, and for each path I envision all the hard work and challenges that could and most likely will face me, should I take one of those paths. 

So much hard work and challenges that it's enough to scare me...especially knowing that whatever I choose, I won't ever be able to predict what will happen. If I choose one path, what if it's harder than I ever imagine? What if I can't take it? What if it's the wrong path? 

Today, sitting in the sun, enjoying that short moment of peacefulness and contentment, I realized...whatever path I take, each challenge will come one at a time. Life is like that...troubles and challenges and hard work are spread throughout life, not all lumped into ONE moment. I just have to take it all one moment at a time. Yeah, each path before me seems daunting and scary and HUGE...but whichever path I choose, it'll just be one  moment at a time. And I know, somehow I know, that I can do it. I will grow stronger through each moment I walk through. I can do it, one challenge, one moment at a time. 

On April 15th, two bombs were set off at the Boston marathon. 3 people died and more than 100 people were injured...many of those lost limbs. Runners lost legs. 3 families lost someone. 

I know for some people, the bombings are just a story in a place called Boston...not so close to home. But this was close to home for me. I had friends there. Friends, whom I thought of immediately and worried about whether or not they were alive. My friends may have been okay, but there are so many people out there whose friends and family were not okay. This is traumatic, this is painful, this is REAL. 

Mere days, a mere week and a half AFTER the bombings, an image popped up onto my Facebook feed 3 times that compared the number of abortions that are ignored to the attention of the injured and 3 deaths in the Boston bombings. Images like this one really drive me crazy. And this time around it made me more than upset. It brought to mind the week of the Newton school shooting, where a similar image was posted a lot on my feed...one that compared abortions to the deaths in shootings. 

1. Why is it okay to demote one tragedy to bring attention to another tragedy? Why is there a comparison game?

2. Standing for what you believe is really great, but when you belittle another tragedy to support your cause, that does nothing to help your cause. If we truly believe in something and decide to do something about it, let's not just sit around in front of our Facebook posting images and that's it. That's the easy option...the lazy option. Instead of posting images that are insensitive to other tragedies, why don't we get out there and DO something.

It is all well and good to get a message out there, but to what extent are we going to go to get that point out there? Are we going to make a competition out of tragedies? It is great to stand for something but what will that stand cost us? Is it only going to be a stand where we post images? Especially images that demote something that is painful for others...an image that could very well cause greater pain to someone who is genuinely impacted by the tragedy that has been demoted.

 Just like this image here:

...when is it okay to belittle the fact that families LOST their children in a tragedy to promote the fact that there are abortions? 

I am not saying all this to belittle abortions or those who stand against them.  If you stand against it, then do so!  

But don't drag down other tragedies to try to support or promote your cause.  I really don't think people realize what they're actually saying when they post images like this one. Especially when they weren't near the tragedy the images are belittling. But, please, let's just pay attention to what we're posting on Facebook. Let's pay attention to what we're promoting and be aware that maybe we could do something so much better instead of just posting images. 

If you don't know what it was like, there are so many REAL photographs of the Boston bombing that will help you understand: it was REAL. There are images of the families outside of the Newton school, the kids that survived standing outside...the grief, the fear...it was REAL. Let us remember that abortions and school deaths (or bombings) are two very different tragedies and in no way should be compared.

The love and faithfulness is so deep, 

that the forgiveness and joy 

is so easy to give. 

Last night, I sat at a table across from my friend, looking at her grinning at me with huge excitement. My name was called and I stood, walked to the front of the room, shook my professor's hand and accepted the certificate he gave me. I had just won Best of Category for one of my photographs.  I returned to my seat, and there, my friend was sitting in positive giddiness.

We left the building to celebrate. But it wasn't the going out to eat junk food and talk and giggle that was the celebration. The celebration was the bond of immense love and excitement and giddiness and clamors of, "Let me take your picture with it (the certificate)!!" It was the joy that my friend felt for me. In that moment, as I stood, my back to the sunset, facing my friend as she pointed my iphone at me, I realized that I was blessed.  Not because I had won some contest, but because my friend stood before me, literally jumping up and down because she was happy for me. 

I've had so many friendships throughout my life time that have ended. Some just quietly fell apart, as we each grew into the people we are today, changing in personalities and interests and goals. Some broke apart badly, hurt words and feelings. Some friendships died off on one end of the relationship...leaving the other to feel rejected. 

Then, I have and have had the friendships where the relationship status is still "friends", but the friendship is shallow, built on fake promises, smiles, and air. 

These friendships are the kind where someone, every once in a great while, contacts you with requests to hang out. You respond enthusiastically but then...there's no reply. 

There is no "ship" with this "friend"...no real relationship. It is made out of air. No depth. 

It takes two people to build a relationship, to keep it going, to strengthen it, to make it better, to build it. Perhaps this is where people go wrong...believing that a friendship occurs naturally and stays naturally. Friendships may occur naturally, but like any relationship, it is going to have its rough patches and moments where you have to work. 

I can get all "spiritual" and quote you verses on friendships and about "iron sharpening iron"...but I think the words that hit close to home for me are: 

Encourage one another and build one another up... 

- 1 Thes. 5:11

Build.  What goes into building? Work. Time. Sacrifice. Effort. 

I struggle with impatience and annoyance because of the friendships I have where I feel like I'm the only one who makes an effort, who struggles to try to make the friendship work, where I sacrifice...the moments where I have to come up with the time and place and details of a visit...the nagging I have to do in order to get a friend to commit or even just to respond to me, even after they first contact me. The impatience of agreeing to a commitment of writing and realizing that friend is never going to respond to my letter. 

Last night, I sat across from my friend...the friend who left straight from work without stopping to tidy up or change just so that she could be there for me. The same friend who insisted we go out to celebrate afterward, buying me pizza. The friend who insisted on driving me home after, just so that we could spend more time together and my brother could use our (the bro's and mine) car. The friend who was GIDDY with excitement because I had won something. The friend who sat with me when I was hurt by someone's words and hugged me tight. The friend who came to pick me up and take me out when my car broke down, leaving me home on a weekend. The friend who bought me coffee, drove all the way to my town to bring me a smoothie. 

And then, there is my other friend. The dear sweet friend who drives up the 2 hours every other month or so to spend the weekend with me, because I cannot make the drive myself. The one who never, never, fails to keep a commitment, whether it be: text, PM, IM, phone call, late night chat, or get-together. The friend who I know will NOT just ignore my texts, who will NOT just brush me aside when I suggest a visit, who will do ANYTHING to be there for  me. Even if she's not immediately available, this friend never forgets to contact me when she has a free moment. The friend who calms my ruffled feathers and talks me out of doing something stupid, and yet has the patience and good humor to listen to my every rant. The friend who tells me "Love you!" every time we talk. 

Friendship is not just a natural process. It is built...and it is not always easy. But it is worth the effort because of the love, the faithfulness, the loyalty, the unspoken joy we share with each other, my two best friends and I. Because no matter what, we know we can count on each other. There is no moment of jealousy or dislike. We annoy each other, as any people can, we disagree, we mess up, but we build each other up. The love and faithfulness is so deep, that the forgiveness and joy is easy to give. 

Friends build each other. And I am blessed with two friends who build me up. 

Day 94:

Last beam in place for the new library.

Day 95:

Truth

Day 96:

Happy Sunday morning!

Day 97: 

Who the heck does this to the toothpaste??

Day 98: 

Cah-ute new shoes

Day 99:

Best evening eveh.

Day 100:

100 days and I've only missed 2 of em so far! w00t!
*ahem*

This is small town life...

Day 101:

Where the heck is spring??

Day 102:

Haha, this is why I love her. XD

Day 103:

Creeeeeppy-Voldemort-looking-creepy-clouds

Day 104: 

We aren't too sure how we feel about goin to the beach in April!

Day 105: 

Pray for Boston. 

Day 106: 

Bookmark made by girl scouts!

Day 107: 

Nom nom

Day 108: 

Writing

What can you write about tragedy?  When it hits close to home, all you can do is sit there and ask, "Why?"

And worry about those who you know are there.  And cry for those who were hurt or killed, because you can understand loss and pain.

And you pray as hard as you can, because there is nothing else you can do.

Pray hard for Boston.

Day 83:

Spring

 Day 84: 

Love it

Day 85: Haha

 Day 86: 

Studying while working on homework AND listening to class lecture at the same time

Day 87: 

HP marathon!

Day 88: 

Walk with Genny

Day 89: 

writingish sort of night

Day 90: 

April Showers Bring May Flowers

Day 91: 

Knitting socks

Day 92: 

Books

Day 93: 

Reminder