Learned Worthlessness

Girls are faced with Hollywood, photoshopped images, magazines, films, all of which pressure them about how they should look, giving them a basis of what women should be in this world.

Girls abuse themselves because they can't meet these standards.They're peer-pressured, socially pressured.

And then there's the girls of my world. We don't need the media or models or the world to tell us how worthless we are or how we don't meet standards when we get it from the one place that's supposed to be a safe place. The one place where we're supposed to learn unconditional love and forgiveness, we learn, instead, worthlessness.

I learned to hate myself in church.

I wasn't raised in an extreme fundamentalist world. I was taught about modesty, forced to give up my shorts once I hit puberty, and never wear clothing that showed off too much of my girlish body. But it wasn't as bad as the pressure on other girls. I had pretty dresses and plenty of jeans and tshirts. I was told I was pretty by my parents.

The trouble was from church, the one place where grace is the message above all messages. Grace! You can have grace! God gives you grace! He loves you even when you don't deserve love! Grace is the ever popular topic. I heard it all, I sang Amazing Grace along with the best of them.

The message that stuck with me, though, wasn't one about safety or grace or forgiveness. It was about me failing. Again. I remember hearing since I was little about how worthless we are without God, how we are as lowly worms in comparison to God's goodness, and without Him, we cannot hope to gain eternal life. It's a message of good news, isn't it? To hear that you can be raised, to be given grace and love from God? 

But what I heard was the constant berating..."You are worthless without God." "You have to humble yourself to be lifted up by God. And to humble yourself means putting all others before yourself. Anything less, and you're failing." And every time I mess up in life, I remember those words: "You are small compared to God. You are worthless without Him. You are but a mere human, and you failed *again*."

I live in a world where girls are expected to be pretty, sweet, skinny, and sexy...but I also live in a Christian world where I am expected to be godly and perfect as well. I am to be a light in this world, and all eyes are on me when I mess up. When I was human and made bad choices, I didn't just mess up. I let Christianity down, I made Christ look bad. I failed. I was worthless.

Churches will get their feathers ruffled up and glare at me in their godly anger, saying that I'm missing their point. Their point of how this worthlessness only exemplifies God's goodness! That it's because of His goodness that we can live our lives for Him.

It doesn't matter. As a girl already feeling uncomfortable in her skin, with the added pressure to be pure, modest, and never a stumbling block to boys, all I heard was the message that I was worthless...I wasn't worthy of love. It didn't matter that I was also told that I don't need to work for God's grace. Every time I messed up, I was reminded of my worthless state and I needed to try harder. The church says I don't need to work for my grace, but their eyes on my every move and their harsh disappointment tells me otherwise. The church took me as a naive, little girl, told me I was worthless, and as soon as it was ingrained in me, they tried to tell me my worthlessness can be taken away. The irony. The church taught me to hate myself and now judge me for doing so.

The pressure is on us girls to be perfect and without blemish. It's the kind of pressure that is on girls all over the world. The world teaches us to hate ourselves in the name of beauty. The church teaches us to hate ourselves in the name of grace.

Girls all over the world look in the mirror and say, "I can never be pretty enough. I'm worthless."

I look in the mirror and I say, "I can never be godly enough. I am worthless."

Life Adventures Pt. 2

When I started 2014 with the goal of becoming more daring, building my courage, refusing to let fear stop me from taking chances, I never once imagined it to be about taking chances with my mind.
Yes, I knew it'd be a mental battle to stop fear from overcrowding my mind. Fear is always a mental battle with me. I am the girl of "what-ifs" and "supposes".

"What if I fail?"Suppose I never recover?""What if this hurts me so much I fall back into depression?""Suppose I give in again?" "What if I give up, will people care?" 

I never once imagined that I could be as daring as I was this year. But I'm starting to see that out of everything it isn't the physical battles that are where I need courage. It's in daring to be myself, daring to love myself, daring to support myself, daring to stand up without falling back onto someone else.
For the longest time, I refused to let people in, stuck on the mindset that it was selfish to ask for help...somehow I was meant to be independent all the time. It took a black, sinking hole of despair to finally ask for help. Ever since, it's been addicting to always have someone to vent to, always have someone to go running to, it's been great to have someone to support me when I'm about to crash. It was so nice that I've put off standing on my own.
Over the summer, I didn't have quite so many crashes...it's easy to be happy and strong in the sunshine, with the boost of confidence given by succeeding in my job. However, when it comes to fall and winter, enclosed indoors and little sunshine and warmth, with the struggles of money and schoolwork, one feels one's confidence swirling down the drain.

I could give in to my fearful mental state, break down, and live each day only by clutching on by my fingertips again. Or I could step away from my crutches, as wonderful and helpful as they are, and dare to support myself. I could be dare to push my mind to be stronger.
Instead of having wonderful people telling me how great I am and can be, I dare to tell myself, "You can do this." I dare to push my mind to face the scary shit and say, "Screw this mindset. I am smart enough. I am good enough. I am worthy."

It's about having the courage to look at myself and see all that I've accomplished.

There's a saying that says, "You are what you think."
So, when I feel like giving up or being lazy, my mind tells me that I'm a lazy person who gives up.
In reality, in spite of these wishes, I still work hard to accomplish what's before me.
So, really, just thinking something doesn't make you whatever that is.
It's also how you act on these thoughts.

I hate working so hard in school and constantly think about just giving up or not doing my best work.
Did you know? I have made President's List three times, Dean's List twice? Did you know that I won Best of Category for my photography in the Spring Exhibit at my old school? Did you know that I won the Award of Excellence? Did you know that at graduation I had a GPA of 3.97? Did you know that because I work hard in building friendships with my kiddos in LEGO club that I'll have kids throwing their arms around me as soon as they come in? Did you know that my kiddos refuse to make funny comics about me because I am, "too nice" to them?

Sometimes I think we take the idea of teaching ourselves not to gloat about our accomplishments too far. Worried of appearing arrogant, we shove aside our victories and forget to understand what they mean. Let's revel in these accomplishments. Let's understand that these things mean that we don't always fail, that we actually do good, that we actually don't always give up, that we do work hard, that we CAN overcome fear and succeed when we try!

My mind is being daring when it says, "Elementary Education is HARD. Harder than anything else you've done in school...but if you can write an A paper in three hours, you can do this test", "Putting yourself out there in a new situation is tough, but if you can jump out of a plane, you can do this", "If you can push yourself to hike up a mountain, you can face new things"...it's being daring enough to believe yourself when you say, "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for." 

Don't just take what your friends say for granted. Look around yourselves...our accomplishments are right there where we left them. Understand them, look at them closely, see what these mean. They mean we are stronger, better, smarter, more driven than we ever actually believe.

C'mon, dare to change your mental traps of fear. Stand on your two feet and dare to be. It's like Bastille says,

"Your albatross, let it go, let it go."

Life Adventures pt. 1

It was January 1st, 2014, 12:01 a.m. I was watching Supernatural, fed up with the world, tired. All I wanted was for it to turn the new year so that I could crawl into bed. And that's what I did. As soon as the fireworks started exploding at the neighbors', I turned off my laptop and went to bed. Before I fell asleep, I promised myself, "That's it. 2014 is going to be a better year. I will be adventurous." 

And I did. I had adventures. I climbed mountains, tried new food, read wonderful books, soaked up sun, reached out to children, jumped out of a plane, and opened myself up to people. I was strengthened, I was empowered, I was incredibly hurt, I was happy, I was invigorated, I was inspired. 

Since the end of summer, I hit a kind of road block. With the end of summer came responsibilities. It meant no more time for all fun adventures...it meant a busier schedule, it meant classes starting, and it meant worries and stress and late nights and being over tired. Fall, in spite of how beautiful it is and how much I love it all, has been bittersweet for me in the last few years. Fall and winter are when I am most strained. I adore my sunshine and warmth, which I am deprived of throughout fall and winter. I struggle against the worries of money, work, and school. I struggle with the old me...it's hard to shrug off the worries when they come out in hundred-fold, desperate to land on your shoulders again. When you have lived in fear just once, it is ten times easier to give into the fear again. Part of me so desperately wants to give in...it's tiring to battle all the time. 

Then in my mind I tasted the colors of giving in. The greys, the dullness, the metallic flavor of despair. I could see the heavy doors, open but ready to slam shut against hope as soon as I stepped through them. Instead of the neon Exit sign above them, Fear was written. Is fear really how I want to live? 

I texted someone, wanting something to lean on instead of balancing myself. The response I got hit my mind, the words emblazoned.

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for." 

It's one thing to have someone hold you up, but if you cannot train yourself to stand up on your own, you will never be able to walk. I want to be fearless. And it hit me that just because summer is over doesn't mean the adventures have stopped. They may not be as interesting or fun, but adventures are the things that test you, push you. Summer was for the physical adventures, fall is for the mental ones. Because it is my mind that needs to be daring now.

To be continued...

Apple Pie of My Eye

My mom makes this Apple Crumb Pie that is pretty spectacular...the best kind of buttery-cinnamony goodness topping, but, in my opinion, nothing beats a two crust pie.

After our trip to the apple orchard, it was time to pull out my own baking skills to make what I consider to be one hell of a great pie.

Cooked to perfection, I add just a bit more cinnamon than the recipe calls for and bake only til the crust is the perfect kind of flakiness.
Want to try your own hand at it?

Better Homes and Gardens Plain Pastry Crust
 For two single-crusts

2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup shortening
5 to 7 tablespoons cold water

Sift flour and salt together.
Cut in shortening with fork until pieces are the size of small peas.
Sprinkle in a tablespoon of water a time, tossing mixture with fork, adding a tablespoon at a time to mixture until dough forms into ball.

Cut dough in half, roll each half into pie crust form until both fit pie plate.


Better Homes and Gardens Apple Crumb Pie (minus the Crumb topping)

                                                        2/3 cup sugar

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
            6 to 8 apples, pared, cored and sliced.

         Combine first 3 ingredients; stir into apples.
            Line 9-inch pie plate with pastry. Fill with apple mixture.
               Adjust top crust, cutting slits for escape of steam; seal.
             Bake at 400* for 45-50 minutes or till done.


And the result is this heavenly piece of perfection!

New England in the Fall

Just as Lorelai Gilmore raves about her first snow of the season, I feel a special sensation about the beginning of our wondrous New England autumns.

It's the kind of weather that makes you pull out the plaid flannel, cups of tea, go apple picking, exchange the shorts with skinny jeans, and, of course, watch Gilmore Girls.

I always think of fall as starting with the first day of school, but it doesn't truly feel like fall until the first apple picking excursion. The family piles into the van (which has shrinked in considerable size over the years) and drives the 5 minutes to the apple orchard that we've visited ever since I was a little kiddo myself. It's interesting to note the changes that have sprung up at the farm over the years, but also to see how it really hasn't changed and being able to share the same kind of experience with my lil punk of a sis. It doesn't matter that it's an expensive visit...in a way, it's worth the picturesque experience.

Apple soda makes you feel so grown up, even if it doesn't taste quite as good as it would seem. 

It's hard to remember there's a world outside to enjoy when you start to become consumed with homework. It sometimes takes effort to stop, look up and see that autumn doesn't change in its beauty. For once it feels like the world has the chance to stop and see into the mind of a synesthete. The colors surround you, even in the shade of light that is starting to cool in color this time of year. You won't be disappointed with the wispy blues, vivid reds, and fading greens. 

So here's a little piece of advice from me to you:

1. Travel to New England in autumn
2. Stop and look at the sky once in a while
3. Take a selfie, let the world mock what it will.
4. Pick an apple
5. Watch some Gilmore Girls.

Guaranteed to make your life better. 

And a happy autumn to you too! 

Adventures

I was determined to make this year a better year.

My year started out with the huge decision of deciding what would be my next step.

Should I find a full time job? Should I continue on in school?

If I do go back to school, what do I major in?

All these questions required answers, none of which were easy to make.

Having made the decision to go back to school to acquire a Bachelors in Elementary Education, 

I suddenly realized that I'll have spent the majority of my 20s pushing myself to the limit and killing myself

over school. It's not the life I wanted. I don't want to look back on my 20s and see that the only accomplishments I made were in school. I don't want to look back and grimace at my 20s.

I don't want my life to be just about school. I want to live.

2014...a brand new year, brimming with possibilities, and welcoming us with the fresh pages of ideas and activities and newness to fulfill. I didn't want to waste this year, this opportunity.

Adventures...it's what I wanted, and it's what I've been accomplishing.

I wanted to see new places, so I took up hiking. 3 mountains down, how many more to go??

I wanted to push myself, so I tried rock climbing & discovered the wonderful puzzle it is, both mentally and physically.

I wanted to fly, so I went skydiving.

It's only June and here I am filling my days to the overflow! I feel alive, I feel adventurous, I feel happy...I feel real. But what I've learned is that adventures don't come to you...you have to pursue them, you have to push for them, you have to *find* them. And adventures aren't easy -- nor should they be! Adventures are simply that, adventures, because they aren't easy! It isn't just the satisfaction you get from accomplishing something that makes it an adventure, it is the process, the hard work, the energy, the sweat that makes it the adventure. I'm pushing myself and I love it. Suddenly I'm seeing myself as a totally different person. It's 2014 and all about the adventures.

What adventures are you seeking?

Only Human

I covered it's been hard for me to embrace who I really am. In fact, I think I should admit that I still have no bloody idea who I am exactly. I'm attempting to discover myself, the person, the girl I am deep underneath the layers and layers of nature and nurturing I've acquired over the years of my life. Asking the questions, 

"Is this really me? Or is it a remnant of who they wanted me to be?" 

"Do I really think like this, or is this left-over from the fake me?" 

"What *is* my style?" 

"What do I think genuinely about this?" 

I find myself wondering who the hell I really am. I attempt to extend myself grace as I learn the little things about myself. I attempt (and fail) to love myself. As I ask these questions, however, I sometimes forget that this self-discovery is just not that: self-discovery. It is more. It is the discovery of who I am to the world as well. It is the discovery of who I am to other people while finding myself.

Am I the girl who loves herself only to forget to extend that love to others? Or does it make me more susceptible to extend grace and love? I find myself struggling to take in grace and to give it.

I am harsh with myself, loathing of all the negative qualities that seem to consume my life. But not

only that but I am also not as giving as I could be when it comes to others and the negativity I face 

from them. 

I think of my best friend and the qualities about her very self that tend to rub me the wrong way. There's nothing wrong persay with what she does, but it annoys me and as a result I look at these actions as offensive, my sensitive mind glaring at her because she's late and I'm early, she's stubborn in the moments

where I am not and I am stubborn where she is not. You'd think we balance each other out quite nicely, and we do. Normally I just smile and roll my eyes because we are best friends and that's just what best friends do. We irritate each other. 

However there are the days where I am just not easily amused and want to speak harshly.

And while I don't, because I'd feel much too guilty to say anything, I do tend to lock these feelings up inside, harboring them. What good is there in harboring feelings? When, one day, I was faced with a sudden realization that I was the one being completely unreasonable and selfish in my expectations of those who surround me in life. 

I was reading John Green's Paper Towns. And a friend of the main character says to him: 

“You know your problem, Quentin? You keep expecting people not to be themselves. I mean, I could hate you for being massively unpunctual and for never being interested in anything other than Margo Roth Spiegelman, and for, like, never asking me about how it's going with my girlfriend - but I don't give a shit, man, because you're you. My parents have a shit ton of black Santas, but that's okay. They're them. I'm too obsessed with a reference website to answer my phone sometimes when my friends call, or my girlfriend. That's okay, too. That's me. You like me anyway. And I like you. You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually.” 

This is my problem. I keep expecting people to not be themselves.

How can I expect the world to accept me, the real me when I am unable to accept others for who they are? 

Real acceptance isn't about embracing the likable parts. It isn't about accepting the bits we like about each other. It is about accepting each other as wholes. Not a part of me, not a part of you, not halves, not pieces: all of each other. Taking the good with the bad, extending grace to one another for the screw-ups, showing forgiveness for the hurts, acting kindness for the mistakes, and above all being loving through the moments when we least feel like it. 

I have written on my hand, "Only Human", because I am that obnoxious girl who writes on her hands.

But also because it is the reminder I needed this week. The reminder that I am only human not only as I struggle to find and understand myself, but also as I learn to grow and live with those around me. I want to remember that not only am I human, but so is the rest of the world. I do not live in a bubble, I do not live alone, nor do I want to be alone. And because of this fact, I want to remember that those around me?
They are only human too.