Kindness

It is so easy to get captured in my own head and to believe that my pain is all that matters. My tears, my fears, my hurts...what you feel is what grabs your attention. In those moments of feeling lost and alone it is easy to believe that there is no pain greater than your own.

As an INFJ, it is very easy for me to see others' pain and to empathize, but even I sometimes put my pain first. Having been raised with the mindset that humbling means putting others first, I struggled to ever care for myself. Then, one day, I accepted that it was okay, it was even good to put myself first.

Your own pain and tears and fears are real. They matter. How I feel matters. Sometimes, I have to put myself first because not to do so would mean breaking down, falling to pieces, not functioning. Our bodies and our minds, our physical and spiritual beings need the attention and time to recover. I say this because I do not want you to feel that I am promoting NEVER putting yourself first. Because I'm not.

However. What I've discovered in this journey of self-healing and self-discovery and allowing myself to grow and mend, is that it is so easy to put yourself first all the time. To avoid things that cause you discomfort, even things that could help others.

I have realized that it is very easy to be kind only to yourself and redirect the annoyance and the grievances you once would push on yourself on to others.

Learning to love yourself, being kind, self-healing...it's not about pointing the hatred and the annoyance and the drive of perfectionism onto others. It's about disposing of these feelings altogether so that you are not filling your life with them or someone else's life.

It is easy to get into the habit of thinking, "I've had greater pain than she has and if I can pick myself back up, then she can too!" When you direct kindness inward, don't forget to direct it outward too. Clean out the hate, the vile feelings, but don't just push them out into the world. Throw them away.

It is hard to choose to be kind sometimes: to yourself and to others. What I don't always realize is that kindness is a choice. I don't want to lose the empathy I have as an INFJ, I don't want to lose my characteristic of always rooting and fighting for the underdog, I don't want to lose my sensitivity to others' pain and my urge to help those in need, no matter how great or small their need is. I also do not want to lose the art of being kind to myself, stop my practice of learning to forgive or accept myself. It is a hard balance to achieve. I want to blow out all my anger and self-hatred into a place where it cannot hurt, instead of redirecting it from myself to others.

I want to choose to be kind. Sometimes this means putting others before myself...sometimes all it means is being patient, even when I feel like people should suck it up. Sometimes, it means sucking it up myself. Whatever I do, wherever I go, whomever I become...above all, I want to be kind, the kind of kindness that God instilled in my personality. It's a choice, kindness is...so 2014, let's be kind: both to myself and everyone.

Words

In the film The Book Thief Max, a Jew in hiding, asks Leisl, his protector, to describe the day to him. She responds with a cliche answer and he corrects her...

If your eyes could speak, what would they say...

It's the best advice I believe every writer should apply to their writing. One of my greatest struggles with my novels is to capture the story in a way that shows my readers how I've envisioned it. I have a vivid imagination and see my stories as if they were films inside my mind. It is incredibly easy for me to get into the rut of thinking that people should just envision the same film as I've seen it in my own mind. Weirdly enough, it doesn't always work that way with just roughly describing the story. It takes a unique approach of writing to capture each scene as I've seen it unfold.

If my eyes could speak, what would they say? They'd speak the depth and hues of colors, the warmth and comfort of relationships, the pointed and prickly way words can stick on a person...

This year's inspiration for my novels is simple...to write what my eyes say.

Books

It's amazing how overwhelmed I feel with the variety of things I could do in my spare time, now that the semester is over.

Should I try a new recipe? Should I deep-clean my room? Sort my books? Watch a movie? Knit? Read?
I actually have the time to read!

As always, I have an enormous stack to read, too. So what is there in my stack to read? Quite a bit. The photo above is merely one of the stacks I have lined up. I was very tempted to try the whole Project 52, where you read a book per week throughout the year. However, I know that realistically it's impossible for me to read a book in a week what with everything else I want to accomplish and do this year. Instead, I'm going to just be lax where reading is concerned and make a point of trying to read as often as I can.

So what exactly do I have coming up? A lot of Young Adult novels, apparently. I never quite realize how often I frequent the Young Adult section at the library until I stack all the books together at home and the red YA stickers stick out.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling is a re-read. It is a well-written, interesting children's book. And I just felt like re-reading it. That's my excuse. ;)

I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Brene Brown was a bday gift and recommendation from my older sister. The only piece of non-fiction in my pile, currently, it is *fascinating* and thought-provoking. A book about how "We spend too much precious time and energy managing perception and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world..." A book abut how imperfections are okay, no one is perfect, and being vulnerable is not a weakness. Really good stuff here, people!

Demonglass - by Rachel Hawkins is the 2nd in the Hex Hall series. Tale of a girl, who thought she was a witch when she was sent to Hex Hall, a reform school for witches, fairies, werewolves, and other mythical creatures. There she discovers she's in fact a demon and her crush is working for a group set out to wipe out all of her kind. Interesting yet not quite as well-written as I'd like. A bit too predictable, Sophie feels like a bit of a whiner to me. ;)

Rose Under Fire by Elizabeth Wein is the sequel to Code Name Verity. I am in awe of Elizabeth Wein's writing style with its depth and intrigue. I am excited to crack this book open and it will balance nicely amongst all the fluff I have in this stack without feeling like a chore.

A Brief History of Montmaray by Michelle Cooper is the first book in a series. In journal format, we discover the world of Sophie, member of the royal family on the tiny island of Montmaray just before the outbreak of WWII. I do love a good journal-format novel and Sophie is relateable while her little sister is hilarious and her cousin is fascinating.

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins is yet another re-read. Seeing the film Catching Fire called for a re-read of the entire series. I feel like every time I read this series, I learn something new and I relate so much more to Katniss.

Etiquette and Espionage by Gail Carriger was a recommendation from my co-worker, the Young Adult librarian at work. Apparently it is a novel about a teen girl sent to a very unusual finishing school.

The 5th Wave by Rick Yancey was a recommendation from a patron, a mom who has pretty good taste in novels. I'll admit I groaned a little bit when the library added this to their collection...there has been no end of dystopian and post-apocalyptic young adult novels since The Hunger Games, but I've become more willing to try this particular one since it was recommended by this particular patron. Here's hoping to some good reading success!

What about you, blog followers? What have you been reading and what do you recommend?

I'm Not a Sad Story

I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll become somebody's Mom or Dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening...I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. 

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

I've had moments in my life where I feel sorry for myself, feeling lost and alone and wondering why I'm always a victim. Is it because I choose to be a victim? Is it because I was a victim and it's hard to shake that mentality off?

I've gone through a lot in my life. I'm not special or especially unique in that I'm alone in pain. I have baggage like everyone else, prying my fingers one by one off the handles.

I flip through the pages of my journals from over the years. The words: lost, alone, scared, exhausted, worthless, fear...sad stand out from the pages. If I get too close to the pages, all I can see is the struggles and I can fool myself into thinking that my life is a sad story.

If I step back from the pages, remove my magnifying glass perception and see the journals stacked, one on top of each other as tall as a tower, and examine them as a whole, I see a live story.

My story isn't sad. It holds sad moments, a lot of sad moments, but that's a page or two or a hundred in a complete story. If I step forward again, examining the separate pages of my journals, this time the word: full, joy, peace, forgiveness, love, brave, strength...happy also grace the pages.

I've stood in front of these books, filled with moments and I wonder at them. These moments are happening, they are live and real. When I touch these journals, I touch moments...the feeling of emotions flowing through me, the tears and the laughter, and I stand in wonder of my story.

This one moment when you realize you're not a sad story. You are alive. 

I Am Not Who I Used To Be

Jan. 1, 2013. 

2013 was a long and hard year, full of self-discovery and struggles. I can see how I am still the same person I was on Jan. 1st, 2013 but I also see the changes, the growth. 

I'm not who I used to be. 

While I feel like in some ways I took two steps back for each step I took forward, I know that I've learned so much in 2013, about life, about myself.

I learned it's okay to love myself, that I don't have to be perfect in everything to still be worthwhile.

I learned it is far easier to ask forgiveness than to grant it, which is sad.

I learned that I am strong, I am smart, and I am worthwhile.

I learned that it's okay to be different...I am not the girl who wants to go out and party and have the same experiences as most adults in their 20s. I am quiet, I like being alone, I am bookish, nerdy, a planner, and not as spontaneous as some people wish me to be. And that's okay. 

I learned that it is not always easy to love others, but it is worth it.

I learned that the hard things, the struggles make the triumphs even more valuable.

I learned that opening myself up, being completely vulnerable is as scary as hell, but sometimes life calls for me to be vulnerable to those around me.

I learned that I make a difference in people's lives. Even though it is in the smallest ways, I do matter. 

I learned life's never going to be easy but fighting my way through the world transforms you into the person you were meant to be.

In spite of everything, I've learned that no matter how many hours, days, weeks, months, seasons, years go by...

I am still me.

Jan. 1st, 2014. 

I am Sam. 

And for the first time in forever, I love being me, imperfections and all.

2013: Looking Back

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before? 
I worked at a summer camp & fell in love with working with kids like I've never done before. It made me rethink my life goals. 

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not sure if I actually made any New Year's resolutions...I'm sure if I did that I didn't fulfill them so much. I'm terrible at keeping resolutions. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not in 2013 but someone will be in 2014! I'm to be an aunt for the first time! 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God. 

5. What countries did you visit?
Sadly none. I think the only times I left the state were to hit the beach in Maine and to visit friends in Connecticut. 

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked this year?
Less anxiety/stress more happiness. More love for myself and others, more of everything. I hope for a much fuller year. 

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Many unpleasant ones but also December 19th, the day I finished my last exam for my Associates degree. And April 25th, the day I won Best of Photography at school! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finishing my Associates degree! The first life-changing step I took began in fall 2011 and was completed winter 2013. I survived!

9. What was your biggest failure?

Viewing myself as a failure too many times to count, giving in to my anxiety. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

The usual migraines, colds...two colds one on top of each other during a school semester? May we never have to relive!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new laptop! Such a blessing to finally be able to edit photos without the laptop crashing every hour or so! 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Genevieve & Amy, my two best friends, and Krista, my big sis. They love me still, after all this time. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many people for my own good. ;) 

14. Where did most of your money go?
Gas and school! 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My summer job, learning I'm going to be an aunt!, winning Best of Photography in the Spring Exhibit at school!, graduating! 

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

Just one? My life is full of songs, reminding me of moments, months, seasons, moods, emotions! There's not just one! However, Lana Del Rey's "Young and Beautiful", Frozen's "Let It Go", and Gym Class Heroes "There Goes a Fighter" all stick out in my memory. It's been a good year of music. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a). Both, b). Same as last year. c). richer, only the slightest bit and only because I don't have to pay for another semester quite yet. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I had written more, finished my novel. I wish I had done more, been more of a person, loved life more, been more daring!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying. 

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Relaxing on the couch, hanging with the kids, watching Veronica Mars, and eating yummy foodses. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
I fell in love with who I am. Wait, you mean love-love? ;) No, and I'm okay with that. 

22. What concerts did you attend this year?
None...not a concert person really. 

23. What was your favorite TV program?
It's been a good year for tv! Doctor Who, Community, Downton Abbey, Pretty Little Liars, Parks and Recreation, Supernatural...

24. Do you dislike anyone now whom you didn't dislike this time last year?
Oh, yes, sadly. 

25. What was the best book you read?

The Book Thief, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Just One Day...three books etched in my brain.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lana Del Rey...really the only new discovery I made...

27. What did you want and get?
My degree ;) , a job I loved, a new laptop, headphones...

28. What did you want and not get?

My own car

29. What was your favorite film of 2013?

Without a doubt, utterly and completely, Catching Fire. Best film I've seen in a LONG time. Followed closely by Frozen.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24 and spent the day at school and work, celebrating by eating pie with the fam in the evening. It was just another day in my life. Nothing exciting. 

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More strength. 

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

Skinny jeans, sweaters/hoodies, & boots for fall/winter and shorts, tshirts, & flipflops for spring/summer. Total casual. 

33. What kept you sane?
Linda, Krista, Amy, Gen, music, writing. 

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Jensen Ackles. Oooh la la, hotties. 

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I find political issues to be more annoying and usually a waste of energy to debate with others, so I keep my opinions to myself unless someone asks. 

36. Who did you miss?
Amy. Too many months of being apart. 

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Kathleen. :) The Katniss to my Rue, the very definition of "kindred spirit". 

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
It's okay to be imperfect, it's okay to screw up, it's okay to love yourself. 

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I've tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

365

Day 346:

Last class of the semester...

Day 347:

Unpacking in our new library!

Day 348:
Poor girl photographer - I use a canon rebel, tripod, reflector, and window light.

Day 349:
Studying my butt off for my psych exam. 

Day 350:
Birthday present from the grandparents!

Day 351:
Christmas gift from Madeline

Day 352:

Last study session of the semester...

Day 353:
Celebratory-I-just-finished-the-semester-and-survived-and-am-now-a-graduate coffee!!

Day 354:
Birthday package from Grace!

Day 355:
Truth

Day 356:
Juji: "I didn't cry ovah Frozen but I did do this..."

Day 357:
A night of writing

Day 358:

Bet my mug is cooler than your mug

Day 359:
There was one blonde and one brunette...

Day 360:

Sunset

Day 361:
I am who I am

Day 362:

 Krista & Gen took me out for my birthday to the cutest dessert place ever. 

Day 363:

 I like balloon animals. 

Day 364:
And we're open! Ready or not!

Day 365:

Sam: "Juji, how do we feel about the New Year?"

Juji: "Gaaaaah."

And there you have it. Project 365-Instagram is Complete!
Happy New Year!